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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP for financial support on mat leave?

280 replies

BraveLilBear · 03/02/2014 11:43

I'm going back to work in a few weeks when DS is 7 months old. After a decent maternity package, I'm now on SMP only and frankly struggling.

DP earns a little more than I do. He has no debts and pays 200 a month in maintenance for his other son.

I have spent the last few years living on the absolute minimum in order to reduce my debts. In the last month before DS was born I paid off two loans to reduce my outgoings by 250 a month.

We each pay a similar amount into the joint account every month (tho I have always paid around 20 more).

For the first 4 months of mat leave, I paid in 100 extra a month to save up for this time and we have a significant amount in the joint account.

However, DP still expected me to pay in. I paid in half, which leaves me with 250 to cover my personal outgoings. Unless I use my overdraft (trying not to as took ages to clear before) I therefore have NOTHING left over.

We both use a budgeting system whereby we work out how much disposable income we have and divide it by number of weeks. By this system, he regularly has 100 left over at the end of the week that goes into his (personal) savings and is able to spend whatever he wants on himself - clothes, PS4, etc

Am I being unreasonable to think this is ridiculous? During a row yesterday I asked him for 100 so I could get a months' worth of shopping and he yelled why should he have to pay for everything.

I know I have left this late but how can I reasonably appeal to him for assistance?

OP posts:
Wantsunshine · 03/02/2014 12:56

He treats you to a meal out but you pay for it in turns?? So if he does treat you you have to return the favour.. Odd.

He wanted you to go back to work early and pay for childcare rather than you looking after your child. Doesn't sound like he has much respect for you but does like to have your income.

Dahlen · 03/02/2014 12:57

If I was going to be nice about him and give him the benefit of the doubt here Hmm, I'd say he's got stuck in the DP mindset of finances, rather than the "we're a family" mindset. Before children and before marriage, rigidly dividing things 50/50 seems the fairest way to go, and often is.

Once you have a child, however, everything changes.

A child has no income of its own and comes with significant financial costs. If you wish to maintain entirely different finances, you would need to divide in two every single cost associated with that child and pay accordingly. As a lot of those costs are not directly financial (e.g. the effect of loss on earnings), that is completely impractical and why most people simply adopt the approach of treating the family as one economic unit, where people give and take according to need and ability on the understanding that you are a team that works to everyone's advantage.

It's irrelevant whether or not you have separate bank accounts for this, as there are good reasons for maintaining those in many situations. What counts is the principle of economic interdependence with transparency about money and equal access to it.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 03/02/2014 12:59

I don't get these threads at all. How did it jump from being stepford to so damn single that even kids can't break the ice? Did boys get told not to let gold diggers in? Account for every penny and always be self sufficient? Did beyonces records cause young girls to put up with this flip side too? ( light hearted but genuinely bemused)

You're a family not single entities anymore. I'm so so sorry op. I hope it works out long term...

expatinscotland · 03/02/2014 13:01

Bet you London to a brick the house is in his name. . .

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 03/02/2014 13:04

For you op sort this out in your head. What do you want? How do you want life to be? Argue for a vision not just £. Do you want to be at home? Til when? Nursery at 2.5? School? What would the ideal be and where can you get to?

You get one go with them at this age. You can't get it back. If going full time and saving is the dream that's great, make it happen! Just be careful of regrets. Having a second won't absolve them either as it's a different child. Do what works for your family.

Have you worked that out?

shewhowines · 03/02/2014 13:05

It's an alien world to me as well. Family expenses should come from family money. Anything left should be jointly allocated and decided on. Equal spending money allowed.

Do you have a say in these home improvements or is he choosing and deciding on everything because he is paying.

Madness!

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 03/02/2014 13:06

Bravelilbear, you asked AYBU?

Yes, you are being VVU.

Your DP who earns a bit more than you should obviously pay for the expenses that put a roof over his head and feed him, but he should have all of his residual money after that to do as he pleases.

You should pay 'your half' of all the expenses regardless of whether you are at work earning, in hospital having his child, or looking after said child and home. You should bear all the responsibilities for raising the child you have together.

There you go.

Now.
Does that sound at all reasonable to you? What would you reply to anyone who posted that scenario? Hmm

I'm surprised you even asked to be honest. What is it about the words partnership and family that some men (usually men by the threads here) don't seem to understand.
FWIW DH and I have never questioned that we work as a partnership each contributing what we can, whether that's financial, childcare, decision making and bearing responsibilities etc.

You must feel very isolated.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 03/02/2014 13:06

Half each on childcare may not work. It could decimate your salary. What else are you responsible for?

TamerB · 03/02/2014 13:08

It always astounds me that people live like that! Bill him for meals, cleaning and childcare for his child etc.

delilahlilah · 03/02/2014 13:11

I hope he pays all the car costs himself then. What a selfish fuckwit. Sorry op, he is totally taking the piss.

glasgowsteven · 03/02/2014 13:12

Do you go 50% on the rent and council tax,

does he have his own shelf in the fridge

Does he ask to borrow milk until he can get to the shop.

seperate toothpaste

Your flatmate seems a nightmare!

we have one account, everything gets paid into that everything gets paid out of that

Original poster
BraveLilBear · 03/02/2014 13:13

House is in both our names. I paid his ex off with help from my dad when DP was (guess what?) unemployed.

We're in the process of remortgaging to pay my dad back. Part of this may be that he resents the fact that he's paying a small portion of the mortgage twice.

He has said many times 'why should I pay for your debts'. Which I suppose is fair enough.

He has no good male role models and is from a very traditionally working class background - not invoking a class war here but his family were very much dad earned the most (altho the women always worked).

He also doesn't have many female role models in his family so can't empathise with 'how would a woman I love feel...' scenarios.

He's notoriously selfish and I have considered leaving. Thing is, I'm stubborn as fuck and know that he could be better. I've pointed out to him that me leaving means me moving a long way away to my mums with DS. Since doing so he has started to up his game with DS but he's still being an arse about money.

OP posts:
ArgyMargy · 03/02/2014 13:15

He should pay for your debts because you are partners. Otherwise you are just housemates.

expatinscotland · 03/02/2014 13:17

Classic! YOU paid off his ex and he turns it round to make it your fault. There's being stubborn and being ridiculous. This person can't be better because he thinks he's just fine.

He's a prick.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 13:17

Your stubborn nature is doing you down

You can't make a person change their fundamental nature

And just a minute, if you borrowed off your dad to pay his ex off why is it your debt ? Confused

Dahlen · 03/02/2014 13:18

I paid his ex off with help from my dad when DP was (guess what?) unemployed.

We're in the process of remortgaging to pay my dad back. Part of this may be that he resents the fact that he's paying a small portion of the mortgage twice.

He has said many times 'why should I pay for your debts'. Which I suppose is fair enough.

Huh? Confused Your debts? Surely he owes you in this case?

Many a bad relationship is held together by one person's belief that the other person can be nicer/more loving/more responsible/etc as long as long as I do x, y, z. It's fallacious thinking. Quite frankly, I think you're being financially abused here.

squoosh · 03/02/2014 13:19

You and your Dad paid off his ex when he was unemployed and he's now giving you grief about a few quid for necessities??

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 13:19

Sweetheart, this man is in debt to you

Bloody hell, he's done a number on you.

morethanpotatoprints · 03/02/2014 13:20

I don't understand neither.
Family income, surely.
I have never worked since dc, I manage all the money and we have both always considered it as such.
I have never felt like I had to ask him for anything.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 03/02/2014 13:21

We're all debating this OP, but you obviously know the score anyway.

*I paid his ex off with help from my dad when DP was (guess what?) unemployed.

We're in the process of remortgaging to pay my dad back. Part of this may be that he resents the fact that he's paying a small portion of the mortgage twice*

So he thought it was perfectly fair and reasonable to take from his new DP's family to pay of his ex DP? Hmm

I don't get the paying twice business? Unless of course what he's saying is that his debts are joint and yours are your own?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/02/2014 13:22

What a fucking sad state of affairs that you are having these conversations before your first baby is even a year old.

OP this is nothing to do with you 'being stubborn'. You cannot exert willpower on his behalf, he has to want to fully engage with your relationship and become a family.

What puzzles me about these threads always, is how the bloody hell do you get around to deciding to have a baby together when you can't even decide how to run your household finances? Utterly bizarre.

Original poster
BraveLilBear · 03/02/2014 13:22

Lol glasgow had to chuckle. We share toothpaste.

The car is mine but he pays upkeep, insurance split down middle paid out of joint account.

Home wise I get some say but he is more stubborn than me. So he probably 'wins'.

If someone else posted this, I know what I'd say. But this is my messed up life and I'm in danger of Stockholm syndrome. With sleep deprivation on top, my perspective is fuzzy. So I thought I'd check before starting another row first...

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/02/2014 13:27

This isn't really a partnership as I would understand it. He is not sharing. It isnt family life. Why people don't sort this out long before they reach the stage of having children I don't know. Sorry you are having to deal with this. It must be very difficult.

Original poster
BraveLilBear · 03/02/2014 13:29

The equity in the house was his once upon a time. We are both having to pay my dad back as we're selling equity to get the remortgage therefore it's a joint responsibility.

The joint billing account was our discussion when we moved in together.

I know I've made a huge mess here.

OP posts:
OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 03/02/2014 13:29

At first I thought, well, give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he just hasn't thought it through (not great, but can be turned around), but now I just think he's a selfish, grasping a*sehole... "he resents the fact that he's paying a small portion of the mortgage twice"? No you're not pal, you're paying off your debt to your partner's dad!

And you know why this subject always ends in argument with him don't you? Because it doesn't suit him to see your side. Everything's gravy for him. As someone further up the thread has pointed out, you're actually paying more money than him at the mo even though you're on maternity leave.

Sorry OP, I've never even met the bloke and he's giving me the rage Sad