To ask DP for financial support on mat leave?

[BraveLilBear]

I'm going back to work in a few weeks when DS is 7 months old. After a decent maternity package, I'm now on SMP only and frankly struggling.

DP earns a little more than I do. He has no debts and pays 200 a month in maintenance for his other son.

I have spent the last few years living on the absolute minimum in order to reduce my debts. In the last month before DS was born I paid off two loans to reduce my outgoings by 250 a month.

We each pay a similar amount into the joint account every month (tho I have always paid around 20 more).

For the first 4 months of mat leave, I paid in 100 extra a month to save up for this time and we have a significant amount in the joint account.

However, DP still expected me to pay in. I paid in half, which leaves me with 250 to cover my personal outgoings. Unless I use my overdraft (trying not to as took ages to clear before) I therefore have NOTHING left over.

We both use a budgeting system whereby we work out how much disposable income we have and divide it by number of weeks. By this system, he regularly has 100 left over at the end of the week that goes into his (personal) savings and is able to spend whatever he wants on himself - clothes, PS4, etc

Am I being unreasonable to think this is ridiculous? During a row yesterday I asked him for 100 so I could get a months' worth of shopping and he yelled why should he have to pay for everything.

I know I have left this late but how can I reasonably appeal to him for assistance?

I don't think you need to start an argument OP, I think you need to sit down and be rational and fair. The you is a plural you.

Tell him straight that you work out a fair budget now or he'll find himself paying monthly maintenance to another ex and DC.

My DH's parents didn't live a family life like we live, but we live the kind of life that suits us two and that's what you need to be able to do too.
Bringing up a child and working is hard enough as it is without the father adding to the stresses.
Tell him from us to cut the hard done by crap and remember he's a partner and father.

I hope other people learn from these depressing threads that all this needs to be discussed before you live together/get married/have a child, and if you can't reach a general agreement about what will happen 'in sickness and in health' 'on maternity leave' 'in case of unexpected unemployment' etc etc then don't saddle yourself

We've been married 10 years, during that time who earns more has changed, DH has been unemployed, I've been on mat leave, I've worked full time and part time, we've had different childcare costs, we've contributed differently financially and to the running of the household and childcare. The principle that everything we earn is held jointly for any family expenses, with a small and equal amount of 'pocket money' to spend as we please, has served us well in all circumstances. It's about being a team.

I think you need to look at it like this - are you suffering more financially because you have had a child? Neither partner should suffer 'more' than the other one - the hit financially must come from both of you.

I also can't understand this way of living, splitting the cost of groceries, or 'buying' each other dinner. me and my partner share money - we dont have a joint account but its not really relevant - we just dont worry about things like this. I use my money to survive and when I need more I ask him, because he earns more - I am part time while doing part time childcare.

If you want to work part time rather than go back full time you need to sit him down and explain that as well, don't feel pushed into a decision you don't want to take.

re. house repairs etc, perhaps all of this would be much easier if you just split your income? Take all your money, put into joint account - take out weekly groceries, add up annual spending for house improvement - then work out how much you get in spending money.

remember your professional career will take a hit from being off work - and that will affect your earnings for years to come.

I just don't know how you can go into a future with a man who behaves like this - as your children grow, all the spending on them has to be shared - they will become more expensive!

I know somebody in rl who lives like this and it makes for a miserable life. Surely once you are a family your money becomes joint money and if there is anything left at the end of the month then you both get a bit for treats. I really cannot get the 'his money' and 'mymoney' when you live together and have a life together. Surely any money coming in becomes 'family money' and gets spent by whoever on things you need to spend it on.

I would hate it and seriously could not live like the op.

Agree with all those others saying it should be family money

A friend of mine is struggling with this type of scenario and there was an audible clunk as my jaw hit the floor. (Older children)

Not sure what you can do if he is set in his ways, hope it works out for you

This is worse than I thought. You borrowed money of your Dad to pay his debts to his ex and now he is chavelling about supporting you on maternity leave?

FWIW it is not the working class thing does explain a bit. The idea that a working man has his money after he has contributed to the housekeeping and the woman goes out to work and uses hers to support the household is not uncommon.

My wife comes from a very working class background and worked as a Saturday girl on the tills at the Co Op supermarket and saw many a husband and wife arguing over who paid for the milk last time.

brave As you know, my DH is a SAHD at the moment but I would never, ever see the money that I earn as anything but family money. He has full equal access to all of it.

While your DP was unemplyed, did you expect him to pay half of all the costs? Did he?

I'm sorry OP but he sounds really mean.

It must be very hard to consider LTB with such a young baby, I appreciate that.

DH and I shared mat leave. We pooled all our money, worked out our estimated disposable income after bills during the full year, and allocated equal amounts to be our play money accordingly. All DS-related expenses were joint, unless eg I wanted to buy him a toy or outfit he didn't really need ;) we are now living on the same amount and put any excess into savings.

By the way if you want to have longer on leave or want to work part time, you bloody do it! You only get one life, don't let your H dictate what you do any more.

Op, do you recognise that you are presently in a financially abusive relationship?

You need to. Sorry to be blunt. But this is not anything else.

Tell your parents the truth.

When he was unemployed we weren't living together. I lent him 100 or so in a lump sum which he paid back in full after (amd bought me a thank you gift). But I obviously picked up the tab for food, going out etc. He would chip in when he could.

I didn't ask for him to reimburse me, but scaled things back so it was affordable. We didn't do as much together, and went for the cheaper option when there was one. When he was working again we reverted to splitting things fairly evenly again.

Mum is already very much 'if you LTB you'll have our full support'.

I don't want to involve my parents. When I've had cash flow problems in the past my dad has always very generously helped me out (which I've then paid back).

I don't want to end up back in debt after working so so hard to get straight again.

If your mum thinks that I would say it says a lot.

Listen to your Mum. Mothers don't generally say those things lightly.

OP I have a 6mo- let me tell you how it is your house- I think my situation is fair!

I too am on smp- never got any additional maternity from work. Although we both have our own bank accounts for personal spending we have always sent a proportion of our income (80% of our respective salaries) to a joint account that pays for mortgage, bills, food shops, home improvement and other joint stuff.
Now since being on SMP my income is significantly less. So dp said that while I am on mat leave I basically don't pay into the joint account anymore and he pays for everything (including stuff for the baby) leaving my SMP to pay for little luxuries for me like exercise classes, clothes, the occasional lunch and haircut etc. Anything left over for either of us goes into a joint savings account. True we are lucky to be in a position to afford to live off dp's salary but given that I am looking after his son most of the time it seems fair to us.
Soon I will go back to work and things will revert to normal -childcare will be paid for jointly with him paying a bit more as his salary is higher. However if it was up to him I would become a sahm and we would reorganise finances and budgets so that essentially he paid for everything on a "what's yours is mine" basis.
I can't imagine "asking" my dp for money and he is clear I should never have to, even if I did become a sahm and all the money was earned by him.

How it is in OUR house I meant

I don't want to end up back in debt after working so so hard to get straight again

Of course you don't and why should you when the situation is that you've lost out financially in order to have a child together?
Sounds like there's already family tensions and your parents have some concerns. We've been there and it's really hard to tread the line between worrying, interfering and helping.

Here's a contrasting story for you.
My DD has had years of financial issues and we've helped her time and time again. She hasn't got a grip and has kept on over-spending, but also was left with a lot of debt when previous DP left and didn't settle up properly. Finally we decided that we weren't actually helping as she was in a cycle.
However, over the past 8 months or so, she's been very ill and has lost income because of that, which has obviously made her situation worse.
She's been with her DP for only about 16 months and not so long living together, but he's doing overtime at work so that she doesn't need to worry and can concentrate on getting well again.
She had to confess her debts to him, and it did cause a bit of an issue, but this time he's spelt out what's what and how she ought to be sorting herself out and she's taken far more notice of him than of us. It's taken all the pressures off and this time I finally think she'll be on the right road, all because they've talked sensibly and worked things out together as a team.

Caring and sensible parents usually know the score believe me.

ltb.

Simple.

It's sad that you can't even see what's wrong with this picture. He treats you this way because you've made it acceptable. Listen to your mum, and try get some help.

"But I obviously picked up the tab for food, going out etc" - interesting that he does not "obviously" do the same now that you are not earning.

This has got to be a wind up thread surely? I just cannot get my head around the fact that people actually live like this and procreate whilst in this situation.

Sorry, OP, not much help but really!

You were wrong to call him your DP. He's not your partner at all.
Partners share everything without being pushed, or even having to be asked.

Hazle I know. What makes it worse is when he casually comments that he had 100 spare to go into his savings last week, or that he wants to buy 'because I can'.

In fairness, he does sometimes realise and so for example offered to buy me some vitamins last week as he knows I can't afford them.

Just wish he'd understand the bigger picture.

But but but... You are a family. Everything goes in then what needs to come out does and then and only then you look at what is left over and see what you can afford to do with that.

offered to buy me some vitamins last week as he knows I can't afford them