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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP for financial support on mat leave?

280 replies

BraveLilBear · 03/02/2014 11:43

I'm going back to work in a few weeks when DS is 7 months old. After a decent maternity package, I'm now on SMP only and frankly struggling.

DP earns a little more than I do. He has no debts and pays 200 a month in maintenance for his other son.

I have spent the last few years living on the absolute minimum in order to reduce my debts. In the last month before DS was born I paid off two loans to reduce my outgoings by 250 a month.

We each pay a similar amount into the joint account every month (tho I have always paid around 20 more).

For the first 4 months of mat leave, I paid in 100 extra a month to save up for this time and we have a significant amount in the joint account.

However, DP still expected me to pay in. I paid in half, which leaves me with 250 to cover my personal outgoings. Unless I use my overdraft (trying not to as took ages to clear before) I therefore have NOTHING left over.

We both use a budgeting system whereby we work out how much disposable income we have and divide it by number of weeks. By this system, he regularly has 100 left over at the end of the week that goes into his (personal) savings and is able to spend whatever he wants on himself - clothes, PS4, etc

Am I being unreasonable to think this is ridiculous? During a row yesterday I asked him for 100 so I could get a months' worth of shopping and he yelled why should he have to pay for everything.

I know I have left this late but how can I reasonably appeal to him for assistance?

OP posts:
squoosh · 03/02/2014 14:52

'In fairness, he does sometimes realise and so for example offered to buy me some vitamins last week as he knows I can't afford them.'

I know you posted that to make it seem as though he's not all bad, but it just highlights how wrong things are between you that you're grateful to him for buying you some measly vitamins.

Tiredemma · 03/02/2014 14:56

In fairness, he does sometimes realise and so for example offered to buy me some vitamins last week as he knows I can't afford them

PLEASE.

This isnt 'normal' in a relationship. This is something I would do for a work colleague when its nearing the end of the month and she says she broke.

Dp woke up with a cold last week. As I got the shopping in sainsburys I threw in some lemsip. I cannot ever imagine presenting him with a receipt and expecting the money back.

This isnt a relationship or partnership.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 03/02/2014 14:56

By this system, he regularly has 100 left over at the end of the week that goes into his (personal) savings and is able to spend whatever he wants on himself - clothes, PS4, etc

He is making a PROFIT out of you!

Can't you see that?

You are worried about money for a grocery shop and he is saving £400+ every month!

While he owes your Dad money, the grasping little fucker.

God, your parents must really hate him.

HazleNutt · 03/02/2014 14:58

The bigger picture is that you are a family - you share a house and a child, you should also share the finances. In most families, it would be unthinkable that one can spend money left and right, while the other one is broke.

Chippednailvarnish · 03/02/2014 14:59

Get the remortgage sorted, payback your Dad and then LTB.

Floralnomad · 03/02/2014 15:03

I really struggle to understand how people have children with people whilst they have these kinds of financial arrangements . Your partner ( not DP) sounds like a complete bastard and do you really want your little boy growing up thinking this is how men should behave ? If I were you I'd be moving in with my mum - quickly and before any remortgage went through .

Wantsunshine · 03/02/2014 15:09

Shocked by this now. Vitamins!!! I would be heading to my mums. His ex had a lucky escape.

Snatchoo · 03/02/2014 15:10

What a cock.

My DH is a SAHD at the moment, I work full time. My salary gets paid into our joint account and ALL bills (including the loan in HIS name which he has been paying off since before we got together) are paid out of that.

I would never consider not paying these things. His salary covered me when I was on mat leave, he never even questioned it. Why would he?

Your DP is a fucking arsehole.

pianodoodle · 03/02/2014 15:13

I also don't understand how this works. So if he says you can't have money for groceries, does he buy them from "his" money and keep his food separate?!

In our house it's just our money.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 03/02/2014 15:55

You would be in debt but that is clear cut; borrow x. Pay x back.

This is manipulation, blackmail, demeaning, subjugation, demoralisation.

It is aimed at keeping you down. You cannot change him. You can change you. And your child's life.

Fairylea · 03/02/2014 15:58

My first husband, dds dad, was very much like this. He used to say he couldn't pay the rent, I'd use my credit card trying to keep us afloat and then he'd potter off down the pub and to the fruit machines !

I left him when dd was about 8 months old and went back to work. I was happier being on my own than living like that.

Eleven years (and another marriage later - long story) I am now married to a man who shares all finances equally with me as per my earlier post.

Don't settle for this. He is financially abusing you.

Original poster
BraveLilBear · 03/02/2014 16:09

I really did think the vitamins offer was kind Shock

Will call for a total overhaul tonight. If he's not game, then the evidence is mounting against him.

I hadn't seen it from the point of view that he's making a profit on me before.

I am very concerned about the impression he is setting for both his sons. Knowing my son will be someone's husband one day is a key motivating factor.

OP posts:
Mouthfulofquiz · 03/02/2014 16:12

Oh my god - what a weird situation! If its his kid then he should be supporting you. I can't understand couples who don't have the 'joint money' situation sorted out.

expatinscotland · 03/02/2014 16:14

He has £400 fucking spare each month and you have none. He used your dad to pay his ex and you thought vitamins was KIND? he is financially abusing you. Bet he did to his ex, too.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 16:19

I think when you tell your parents that you seriously want to LTB, they will leap on you with joy. It must be killing them to keep their traps shut.

Tiredemma · 03/02/2014 16:32

If any man treated my daughter this way I would unleash hell on him.

Im curious to know how much your DF bailed him out by? You dont have to say but it just smack of rank hypocrisy the way he chooses to live his life (thus forcing you to do the same) yet will take a handout from your father to pay off his ex (who probably left him for being such an arse)

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/02/2014 16:33

When we had DS my DH started paying more into our joint account every month and I paid less as I was on maternity and not earning much. His idea. It's the same now I'm working part time.

It's so so sad that you think he's being generous buying you vitamins, I bet he expected a big thankyou for that act of generosity.

You are a family, not you and the baby...and him.

Cuddlydragon · 03/02/2014 16:45

What will he do when you present him with your invoice for his half of the child care you provide to your child at the moment? Seriously, this is not how families operate at all. Much sympathy.

Original poster
BraveLilBear · 03/02/2014 16:55

My dad lent me the money so I could buy in to the house and get on the property ladder. It's not much - about 5% of the value, low single figures.

You must think I'm browbeaten insane but I never saw things this way before. I appreciate the tough love/insight.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 17:01

Brave talk to your parents. Tell them how things really are.

43percentburnt · 03/02/2014 17:21

Im in agreement with anyfucker speak to your parents.

Does he begrudge paying maintenace to his first child?
Complain he was 'done over' financially by his ex?
Buy very little for his first son coz he gives her money?
pay less than csa would take?
Was he happy having a new child would reduce his maintenance payments?

Take care, talk to m and d.

are U on the mortgage?

EirikurNoromaour · 03/02/2014 17:32

This situation is crazy. You've had a baby with a mean, nasty financially abusive dick and you are too stubborn to leave him?! Do yourself a favour and get over it. His personality is fundamentally flawed, it's not a quirk that you can iron out. He genuinely, deep down to his bones believes he is worth more than you.

Original poster
BraveLilBear · 03/02/2014 17:43

He pays the same amount csa would take, contributes to big items eg school uniform when asked (he's 11).

He never complains about it and doesn't pay less now (afaik).

Will have an interesting chat tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
BraveLilBear · 03/02/2014 17:44

On mortgage and deeds (and car is mine too).

OP posts:
enriquetheringbearinglizard · 03/02/2014 17:53

So, am slightly confused, have I got it right. He had the house already, you borrow from your DF to buy into the equity of the home you now share, but you're finding it hard to pay back DF for that share you bought into, and your DP/DH objects to helping you pay that (because it's equity he'd already put in on his own?) is that what you mean by him objecting to paying 'twice'?