Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP for financial support on mat leave?

280 replies

BraveLilBear · 03/02/2014 11:43

I'm going back to work in a few weeks when DS is 7 months old. After a decent maternity package, I'm now on SMP only and frankly struggling.

DP earns a little more than I do. He has no debts and pays 200 a month in maintenance for his other son.

I have spent the last few years living on the absolute minimum in order to reduce my debts. In the last month before DS was born I paid off two loans to reduce my outgoings by 250 a month.

We each pay a similar amount into the joint account every month (tho I have always paid around 20 more).

For the first 4 months of mat leave, I paid in 100 extra a month to save up for this time and we have a significant amount in the joint account.

However, DP still expected me to pay in. I paid in half, which leaves me with 250 to cover my personal outgoings. Unless I use my overdraft (trying not to as took ages to clear before) I therefore have NOTHING left over.

We both use a budgeting system whereby we work out how much disposable income we have and divide it by number of weeks. By this system, he regularly has 100 left over at the end of the week that goes into his (personal) savings and is able to spend whatever he wants on himself - clothes, PS4, etc

Am I being unreasonable to think this is ridiculous? During a row yesterday I asked him for 100 so I could get a months' worth of shopping and he yelled why should he have to pay for everything.

I know I have left this late but how can I reasonably appeal to him for assistance?

OP posts:
firesidechat · 03/02/2014 12:12

I'm afraid I'm another one who is always aghast at threads like these.

I assume that you live together, that the child is the result of your relationship and that you are now a family. You shouldn't even have to ask for money and I have no idea how partners can stand by and watch the other partner struggle. Honestly!

JackieBrambles · 03/02/2014 12:14

Yanbu. This is ridiculous.

Do not go into your overdraft/debt again for this. It needs sorting out and he needs to be paying to support you. He's ruddy lucky you had a good package from work!!

hootloop · 03/02/2014 12:15

These threads always shock me, I can't advocate our way enough. We have a joint account all money goes in and out of that, anything either of us needs comes out of that.
No percentages,no proportions, no sharing out whats left after bills. Just family money.
We do have individual accounts but only Christmas and birthday money ever goes in them.

MoreBeta · 03/02/2014 12:15

A lot of married men hide income from their wives.

I have had men openly talk about it to me. Its quite deliberate and not necessarily because they have illicit spending they don't want their wives to know about. Its simply because they don't want to reveal to their wife just how much they in earn in case they ever split. Generally, they are not nice people and see their wife as a liability and not someone they are that committed to.

One man I knew told me in great detail how he had worked out how much his wife was 'worth' and that he had worked out he could replace her 'services' by hiring in other women for less money than his wife 'cost' him every month.

JenBehavingBadly · 03/02/2014 12:15

Wow. That's shitty behaviour on his part. It's family money.

Fairylea · 03/02/2014 12:16

Also... you talk a lot about you saving and paying off debts so you could manage through maternity leave... ermmmm so where was he saving / making plans to cope with the drop in family income?? Why is it only you doing this?

I'm really angry for you. Utterly selfish arse.

ChunkyPickle · 03/02/2014 12:17

I don't understand how you got here without thinking about this, but, I think since you're here what you need to do is be just as precise about this.

Calculate your overpay, and either withdraw that, or demand he puts in to meet this.

Also, start billing him for 50% childcare/cleaning/washing/shopping etc. at reasonable rates (leaving you room to negotiate down if you need wiggle room)

Alternatively stop doing anything that's purely for him - none of his washing, none of his cooking or shopping (not really possible with childcare, although you can probably at least get a few hours babyless by simply giving him the child and going out) - but that'll only work if he's reasonable and this kind of illustration will work for him.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 12:17

MB why do these men get married do you think

Purely for the cheap domestic servicing ?

How depressing

MoreBeta · 03/02/2014 12:18

He hasn't done the 'you wanted a child so you pay for it' speech yet has he. I can see it coming.

squoosh · 03/02/2014 12:21

You poor thing Brave, he's being a total shit. Is he not aware that you are his partner and your son is his child too?

So depressing.

Wantsunshine · 03/02/2014 12:24

Why are you with this person? What an utter shit. You would be better of getting maintenance like his ex!

I think you should show him this thread.
Don't let him treat you in this way and your child in this way.

thewreckofthehesperus · 03/02/2014 12:25

Ask him how he'd like it if the situation was reversed and he was the one left with no money once 'his half' had gone into the joint account, say he lost his job or was on long term illness benefit.

Does he not view the two of you as a team? DH and I would never see the other one stuck for money, I've often taken money from him and he from me if needed. No big deal, it's OUR money. I think a serious conversation about how things are going to work financially is in order.

PatriciaHolm · 03/02/2014 12:26

Why are you paying for shopping from your own account? Surely that comes out of the joint account, and when that is low, he needs to top it up because you aren't earning right now, you are LOOKING AFTER YOUR CHILD.

You are a partnership with a shared responsibility now. You are caring for the child, his contribution is financial right now.

Superworm · 03/02/2014 12:26

It's unreasonable you even have to
ask him IMO. It should be a given.

Mitchell2 · 03/02/2014 12:29

MB that is horrible!

LittlePickleHead · 03/02/2014 12:29

Ow OP, You have had a bit of a barrage here (though I totally understand where posters are coming from!)

I was in the same position with DC1, in that we were so used to having separate-ish finances, we didn't discuss it before Dd was here (BIG mistake) and DP just didn't seem to get where money was going. It wasn't purposeful on his part, but if I wanted to get something for DD or myself it came out of my (meagre) money, and DH paid for everything else.

What happened was I felt guilty and ended up getting into debt on mat leave. DH was really pissed off but paid it off, and we had to sit down and have a long discussion about how things had to change.

Now we've had DC2 and we share everything - all money goes into a joint account, all money comes out from there. We both get what we want and if it's a big purchase we discuss it, and we both make sure we are not overspending.

Seriously it is the only way to be, it HAS to be fair or resentment brews. It's not like you are on holiday, you are looking after his child! He can't see it as him paying for everything as that implies he thinks what he is doing is more valid. It isn't.

I do feel for you though, talking to a few of my friends who have had new babies it seems to be very common to keep it separate and for the woman to take the hit when on mat leave so to speak, feeling guilty when asking for more money (that IMO should be freely available anyway)

It's a big change of mindset when you have been so independent, but he's not being fair, not at All

MoreBeta · 03/02/2014 12:33

AF - I don't really know.

The man I am talking about in particular had a quite off sexist attitude he had married an air hostess he met on a plane. She was a very nice woman, her family were Irish and like a lot of young Irish women wanted to get out if Ireland but didn't have fantastic qualifications so she went to be an air hostess. Then get married and have children. Fair enough.

He as a graduate, was a senior partner in a big professional services firm. He just had no real respect for her or any woman. I think he saw his wife in the same light as his secretary. Someone who worked for him who he could control and be superior to in intellect, money and every other way.

Actually he was frightened of my wife and any intelligent woman for that matter. There are men like this.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 12:35

There are men like this

I know Smile

sebsmummy1 · 03/02/2014 12:43

I would be using the budgeting system to work out how your finances would look when you LTB.

I am really hoping you have organised childcare for when you go back to work that he is contributing to the cost of?

coolcookie · 03/02/2014 12:45

Yanbu

Mim78 · 03/02/2014 12:47

I'm about to go on mat leave with only m.a. throughout. I will have some lump sums from work done earlier (self employed) but the basic rule will be whoever has money will put it in the joint account. This is what we a,ways do anyway but for this period of time most will come from dh. Obviously we will both have to cut down on luxury items and non essentials as there won't be as much money to go round. But at no point would dh say oh you have to pay for all your stuff and contribute as before while I keep play money for myself. It's just ludicrous.

Have been on mat leave before and although dh might have thought he was more in charge of outgoings during this period than usual he was never suggested he shouldn't pay for any joint bills etc

We don't hide money from each other either btw

Original poster
BraveLilBear · 03/02/2014 12:48

In a way I'm glad of the barrage - makes it clear how black and white the situation is.

He does pay for things like nappies (he has the car so it's easier to carry), does get food for dinner a couple of times a week and does cook a couple of times a week as well as other housework.

He will also occasionally treat us to a meal out, although formerly we'd take it in turns to pay.

He has earmarked a lot of the joint acc money for home improvements we really need to get done.

I am very tempted to take some of the money I put in the joint acc and use it for groceries. Historically we've always paid additionally for significant grocery shops out of our own account and gone halves.

He has always been a bit weird about maternity leave - wanted me to go back as soon as additional pay ended after 5 months, insisting I go back full time so we can save up and move somewhere nicer before DS is school age.

When I go back we are paying half each for childcare.

OP posts:
Dahlen · 03/02/2014 12:51

I'd put in the exact same amount of effort to the relationship as he is and call it off, personally. As a single mother you'd actually be slightly better off financially, and while that wouldn't make up for the lack of relationship and support for most people, in this case you'd be losing precisely nothing by the sounds of it.

Or, present him with a charge for your services, seeing as you're rigidly dividing things down the middle. Your half is being paid for in kind. His half should work out about £10 per hour, which is a typical rate for a nanny.

Tiredemma · 03/02/2014 12:53

You know, I cant even comment because I cant believe that families live like this.

Everything here goes into one account and comes out the same account. The thought that DP would have money but see me struggle through the month with none is just ridiculous.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 03/02/2014 12:55

He does realize if you went back straight away he'd have to pay for child care right? Hopefully good quality childcare suitable for a baby?
Ltb