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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have pushed this woman's hand away?

179 replies

SparkleSoiree · 22/12/2013 01:17

Earlier in the week we stayed in a hotel en route to elsewhere for a couple of days.

At breakfast in the hotel it was just myself and my DD(6) who has Autistic Spectrum Disorder and Sensory Processing Disorder. One of the traits is that she can't bear to be touched by people and gets very rigid, defensive and anxious when people do touch her. We don't receive affection from DD for this reason.

The waitress came to the table and asked us what would we like for breakfast. DD was still thinking and I was slowly running through the options with her showing her pictures off of the menu. The waitress then started to run her fingers through DD's hair from her fringe backwards asking what she would like to eat. At this point (without thinking) I immediately put my hand on hers and brushed it off of DD's head. She looked shocked and taken aback and I said "Please don't do that, she doesn't like it."

I have never had to do it before but the waitress was clearly offended as somebody else took over at our table but was I being unreasonable in the way I approached it? I am still trying to figure out how to advocate for my DD when out and about as she is non-verbal when out in public with strangers but I don't want to offend people because they cannot see she is Autistic and don't mean to offend, I'm sure.

WIBU?

OP posts:
CloverkissSparklecheeks · 22/12/2013 01:19

Why didn't you just explained properly to the waitress about why she didn't like it? How did you DD react?

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 22/12/2013 01:21

If she doesn't want you to touch her hand, she shouldn't touch someone without permission. YWNBU to push her hand away.

HoHolepew · 22/12/2013 01:21

No you weren't. I wouldn't have liked anyone to do that to my DDs.

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 22/12/2013 01:23

My daughter reacted the way she always does which was to close her eyes, straighten her arms and legs and contort her face.

Do I have to explain that she is Autistic? I am genuinely interested whether other parents do or not.

When you say explain properly what words would you have used?

OP posts:
VworpVworp · 22/12/2013 01:25

Was this in the uK? Seems extremely over-familiar by UK standards!

squoosh · 22/12/2013 01:25

YWNBU to push her hand away as you knew it would make your daughter anxious. But she wasn't BU to touch your daughter in the first place, it sounds as though it was intended as a friendly gesture.

You shouldn't feel obliged to explain in detail your daughter's situation to everyone you meet, a simple 'she doesn't like that' said in a nice friendly way should really be enough.

Some sensitive types will take it personally though. I'd try not to let it bother you.

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 22/12/2013 01:27

Yes it was in the UK.

I felt I tried to say it in a friendly manner but I don't know if it came across in that way or whether it was just the words that were harsh regardless of the tone.

OP posts:
HoHolepew · 22/12/2013 01:28

I wouldn't have explained any more, saying your DD didn't like it should be enough.

AllIWantForChristmaaaasIsEWE · 22/12/2013 01:28

It's hard isn't is?

My dd is 5yo with HFA. I constantly feel like i should forewarn people we randomly interact with when out and about that she has autism, but I never do until after something has happened that triggers dd. E.g. a lady in the shop saying hello to her. I should right away step in and say that dd becomes anxious around new people because she has HFA. But instead i stay quiet. The lady then presses on with her hello, then tries to get dd to look at her, then comments that dd must be shy. This then makes dd angry and cry. And she will then insist to me when outside that she is not shy.

Anyway, in your situation (enough of me rambling) ...

The woman touched your dd.
You touched the woman.

If she was offended by you touching her, then she should appreciate that your dd may be offended by her touching her hair.

What was your tone like? If it was me, I'd have gently nudged her hand, smiled politely and said, "sorry, but she has ASD/sensory issues and doesn't like being touched."

But then again I'm a big old pushover and don't know how to be firm.

Try not to worry about it. Hopefully the woman will learn from this that it's not okay to go and touch people without their permission. I'm forever teaching dd this. So for her then to have seen this woman do the same thing, all my hard work would have been undone. Wink

Hope your dd is okay and wasn't too upset by it.

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 22/12/2013 01:28

I am sure she meant it in a friendly way.

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 22/12/2013 01:31

YWNBU regardless of the special situation with your daughter what on earth was the waitress thinking of?

BrianTheMole · 22/12/2013 01:31

Not sure really. I guess the waitress was being sweet, but your dd is your priority. I guess I would have just said she doesn't like being touched. What else can you say? You shouldn't need to explain more.

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 22/12/2013 01:32

Sorry, I meant to say more than just 'she doesn't like it' as she was probably trying to be nice and that sounded rude the way you described it (but I appreciate it is hard when writing it down as you can't hear the tone).

You shouldn't have to explain in full if you don't want to but I don't think it would be awful if you had to either. My friend's DS is similar with regards to being touched and she always explains as can't see any reason not to.

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 22/12/2013 01:34

BTW, I do think the waitress was being a bit over-friendly. Not many people would randomly touch someone they don't know.

ravenAK · 22/12/2013 01:36

YWNBU.

Although I think it may be more likely that the waitress was embarrassed at having her well-intentioned but over-tactile behaviour called, so went back out to the kitchen & swapped tables with a colleague...not that she was offended by your reaction, but realised she'd committed a faux pas.

squoosh · 22/12/2013 01:38

Loads of people randomly touch people they don't know, old ladies are forever patting my arm and imparting their sage words. As I said, the OP was well within her rights to ask the waitress to stop but I find it a bit odd that some people are so vexed at the idea of a friendly gesture from a stranger.

AllIWantForChristmaaaasIsEWE · 22/12/2013 01:38

OP, might be a bit 'out there' for you, but i'm trying something which you might want to try as well?

Tomorrow me and dd are going to a restaurant with friends for dinner. I've printed out a little rectangle of paper (which i had laminated today Grin) which i will lay on dd's part of the table or have her hold it if she wants to when a 'stranger/waiter' comes over. It just says, 'Hello. I have autism. Please give me some time and space.'

It's a bit naff, but the only thing i could think to type within 10 minutes before having to dash out to get it laminated before the print shop closed.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/12/2013 01:38

Yanbu. So NBU.

I understand your reaction is directly related to the fact your dd has autism but...that was wildly overfamiliar behaviour on the waitresses part.

A "do you know what you'd like lovely" accompanied by a hand touch is a pretty normal thing I see all the time in restaurants between waiting staff and children. (I understand that for your dd that too would have been inappropriate).

But running fingers through hair is not a normal thing for a total stranger to do to anybody.

I personally, would react badly if a complete stranger did that to me.

And no, you absolutely did not have to explain any further than you did.

You've done nothing wrong op. The waitress on the other hand needs to address her idea of "customer friendly" versus everybody else's.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/12/2013 01:39

I think you are worrying more than you need.

Perhaps she was offended for a minute. Perhaps she was just taken aback and you read it as offence. I would like to think most people would, after the first initial surprise, think 'whoops, really shouldn't touch that child's hair again' and then think no more about it.

If she is deeply offended it is really not your problem - I don't often say this but if that's all she has to be offended about she has a pretty easy life!

squoosh · 22/12/2013 01:39

That's a really good idea AllIWant!

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 22/12/2013 01:40

Touching someone's arm is normal but running fingers through someone's hair is quite personal.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/12/2013 01:40

(I read that over and worry I sounded really patronizing - I don't mean to. It's just I've been the person who does something daft like she did, and I'm sure I did look offended because I was surprised. And I didn't go away thinking 'what a horrible rude woman' but rather 'shit, got that one wrong'.)

squoosh · 22/12/2013 01:43

Ok running fingers through someone's hair is quite personal, but I'd have to witness the hair stroking to make a proper judgement.

BrianTheMole · 22/12/2013 01:43

BTW, I do think the waitress was being a bit over-friendly. Not many people would randomly touch someone they don't know.

Oh I don't know. I often randomly touch people I don't know. Although I can generally tell if someone might have a problem with it. People normally are ok with that. The waitress just misjudged it, thats all.

HoHolepew · 22/12/2013 01:45

Alliwant we use laminated cards like that in the school I work in. We gave phrases that suit the child/young adult on them and they can either clip them to their belt or keep them in their pockets.

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