To have pushed this woman's hand away?

[SparkleSoiree]

Earlier in the week we stayed in a hotel en route to elsewhere for a couple of days.

At breakfast in the hotel it was just myself and my DD(6) who has Autistic Spectrum Disorder and Sensory Processing Disorder. One of the traits is that she can't bear to be touched by people and gets very rigid, defensive and anxious when people do touch her. We don't receive affection from DD for this reason.

The waitress came to the table and asked us what would we like for breakfast. DD was still thinking and I was slowly running through the options with her showing her pictures off of the menu. The waitress then started to run her fingers through DD's hair from her fringe backwards asking what she would like to eat. At this point (without thinking) I immediately put my hand on hers and brushed it off of DD's head. She looked shocked and taken aback and I said "Please don't do that, she doesn't like it."

I have never had to do it before but the waitress was clearly offended as somebody else took over at our table but was I being unreasonable in the way I approached it? I am still trying to figure out how to advocate for my DD when out and about as she is non-verbal when out in public with strangers but I don't want to offend people because they cannot see she is Autistic and don't mean to offend, I'm sure.

WIBU?

I suppose it's like having a large dog rush up to you, sniff your crotch and jump up at you.
To some people, that's just an 'Ah, bless, he's being friendly'
Whereas others just want to break out the pepper spray.

I don't think there's any way you could be considered to have been unreasonable, especially as you didn't expect it and reacted out of shock... and also because you don't have a "speech" or plan of action for these situations.

I think if I heard "she doesn't like being touched" and thought the person was old enough to tell me themselves, I would wonder why the person didn't react in a manner that seemed like they didn't like it (moving away) and would wonder if the person who told me she didn't like it was being over-protective or strange. Not that my opinion would matter but it could cause an argument from some people "well why didn't she say so then?" and all that. Some people have no manners.

I don't think anyone has the right to know why she doesn't like it (autism, sensory disorder etc) so I would probably say something like "Please don't touch her. It upsets her but she can't verbalise it". It's polite, explains that it upsets her, and explains that she can't say it herself. You may still have rude people ask you WHY she can't verbalise it or why she doesn't like it and you can choose to answer, or choose to say "no offense but the reasons don't matter and aren't your business. I've asked you politely so please respect our space".

I could understand someone in childcare doing it if you were actually AT childcare, but some random waitress is just... weird. It would never enter my head to touch a strangers kid, except in situations where I was concerned and their parents weren't around... and even then it wouldn't be in such a personal way

Blimey, hope none of you is going to Southern Europe for your holidays....

I've been to Southern Europe many times, I actually lived in Greece for a while. I've taken my DD there twice in the nearly two years she's been on this planet, and in all that time, no-one who we don't already have a close relationship with has ever ran their fingers through either of our hair, and do you know why?

BECAUSE IT'S A WEIRD THING TO DO TO SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW!!!!!

Yep, what a bizarre thing to over-analyse. A friendly person, a bit of a gaffe in the circumstances, handled ok by both parties. Where's the issue?

Nobody should have to explain to anyone why they don't like/want to be touched.
Isn't this what children are told all the time? If it makes you uncomfortable, speak up. I don't have to give any reason.

It was hardly done by leery uncle Jim in exchange for showing the child some puppies. Keep a sense of proportion.

But how are children suppose to know when to speak up? Just because it was a woman doesn't make it ok.

Hoho. What a joke. Do you really not see the difference? A child with her mum in a public place? Is this becoming a thread about paedophiles? Or shall we keep it to an over-angsty over-analysing mum wondering aloud and expecting pats on the back for how well she's done. And that she's retrieved plenty, from me too. It was ok. Move on. (And Aplogies if the pats on the back invade your space.)

When DD was about 3 or 4 I was walking through a shopping center when a man coming the other way put out this hand and ran it over her hair as he passed her. He never looked at her and kept walking. It was obvious that he was doing it because he wanted to touch her.

But I shouldn't have been livid because I might have misread it and he was only being friendly?

Yeah, just the same. I'll leave you to it.

Blimey. Calm yourself ..

You're funny, given I'm not the one being horrified or livid on this thread.

Didn't suggest it was done in a pervy way, I said it was weird, and it is. She didn't pat her head, or ruffle her hair, she ran her fingers through it, which is a weirdly familiar gesture from someone who doesn't know the OP's DD at all.

Come on, all of you rushing to defend Feely McFingers, are you seriously claiming you'd have no issue with someone doing that to you? Because if you you're either Great Big Fibbers or have even bigger boundary issues than Ms McFingers herself.

Right, LCHammer, where'd you live? I'm coming round to run my fingers through your hair.

That's ok, right?

I'm sure it was innocent enough, but running your fingers through someone's hair when you don't know them (because you like the look of them/their hair/think they're cute) is weird. It's something that isn't normally done between strangers, it's affectionate or intimate.

I can be over friendly and touch people. If I was told not too by them, I would be embarrassed but that's not their fault, it was mine for misjudging the situation.

Sorry this post had gone on to another page and I hadn't read everything!!

In no way

So, OP, that's your answer.
YANBU and many people in the world are egocentric arses who don't think about their actions.
In my case it would have been a reflex action, less pushing her hand away and more preventing a feral lunge from DS at his 'attacker' as he would see it.

cranberry what you say is repellent. No parent of an Autistic child USES it in that way!