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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have pushed this woman's hand away?

179 replies

SparkleSoiree · 22/12/2013 01:17

Earlier in the week we stayed in a hotel en route to elsewhere for a couple of days.

At breakfast in the hotel it was just myself and my DD(6) who has Autistic Spectrum Disorder and Sensory Processing Disorder. One of the traits is that she can't bear to be touched by people and gets very rigid, defensive and anxious when people do touch her. We don't receive affection from DD for this reason.

The waitress came to the table and asked us what would we like for breakfast. DD was still thinking and I was slowly running through the options with her showing her pictures off of the menu. The waitress then started to run her fingers through DD's hair from her fringe backwards asking what she would like to eat. At this point (without thinking) I immediately put my hand on hers and brushed it off of DD's head. She looked shocked and taken aback and I said "Please don't do that, she doesn't like it."

I have never had to do it before but the waitress was clearly offended as somebody else took over at our table but was I being unreasonable in the way I approached it? I am still trying to figure out how to advocate for my DD when out and about as she is non-verbal when out in public with strangers but I don't want to offend people because they cannot see she is Autistic and don't mean to offend, I'm sure.

WIBU?

OP posts:
HoHoHopelessAtNamingBabies · 22/12/2013 07:15

There are plenty if ways of being nice to a child without touching them in this way. A hand on the shoulder or arm, even a pat on the head would be okay (speaking generally here - understand that wouldn't be the case for DD's OP). Running your fingers through a stranger's hair is just a bit odd IMHO.

minifingers · 22/12/2013 07:17

I would have made very good eye contact with the waitress and said in the most friendly manner I could muster "I'm so sorry but could you not touch her - she has ASD and finds touch very distressing". Because I would want to stop the touching but would not want to hurt the feelings of the waitress.

SilverApples · 22/12/2013 07:19

I wouldn't be horrified, but I don't think being a 6 year old child means that a stranger should feel they can cross that boundary. Certainly, if she was British, she should have been aware of the cultural boundaries about that sort of contact.
I dis some fascinating social communication experiments when I was a Psychology student, looking at cultural differences and personal space. Xmas Smile

Capricorn76 · 22/12/2013 07:19

YWNBU. I hate people touching my hair and I don't have autism. It stems from having mixed race hair and randoms just reaching out to touch it without asking me and making me feel like freak. The waitress probably meant well but was being over-familiar and invading your daughters personal space. I wouldn't like it if a stranger came up and stroked my DD's hair.

octopusinasantasack · 22/12/2013 07:24

YANBU, it was unreasonable for her to do that because it's not on to do that to a child and because of food hygiene. You should have told her your daughter has nits! [joke]

2Tinsellytocare · 22/12/2013 08:05

I once tossled the hair of my stepmums nephew not realising he was autistic, it upset him and his mum apologised to me but I was sorry for upsetting him and felt thoughtless

hazeyjane · 22/12/2013 08:07

yanbu

Ds also doesn't like being touched by people he doesn't know. he also doesn't talk, and sometimes seems very rude, because he won't look at people if they are talking to him.

Because he is 3.6, I usually explain briefly that he has a genetic condition, can't talk and is wary of people he doesn't know. But when he is older, i am not sure about explaining this in front of him, as it feels like talking about him as though he is not there, IYSWIM.

ProudAS · 22/12/2013 08:23

YANBU at all.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 22/12/2013 08:26

I just judge people for their motivation generally so I wouldn't be annoyed as she was being kind

It was fair enough you told her not to do it but I personally would have explained why.

But I would just let it go..We have so much of this stuff to deal with.no point dwelling on the past.

If it is really bothering you email them and explain.

TheBrotherHoodOfSteel · 22/12/2013 08:34

I don't think there was any need to push her hand away as the damage was already done. I think saying 'please don't touch my daughter she has autism' is enough of an explanation. My 6 year old daughter also has ASD and has sensory issues but people are automatically drawn to her for some reason and often they stroke her hair (she is very cute so that probably helps) i don't brush people's hands off i just ask them not to do it and tell them why. It's no skin off my nose and they don't think I'm some sort of possessive nutter.

AwfulMaureen · 22/12/2013 09:00

Yanbu. Even without sensory issues the waitress was innapropriate. I once said something similar about my DD1 when a woman was rubbing her cheeks. DD didn't like it so I said "Don't do that please."

The face on the woman was a picture! Where do people get off thinking they can touch children??

halfwildlingwoman · 22/12/2013 09:08

YANBU
You should not touch someone else's hair without permission. Full stop. There are zones of the body that are acceptable to touch as a stranger or a casual acquaintance, such as the shoulder, the forearm, the hand (when shaking it) the top of the back etc. Hair, face, torso, legs, feet, only with intimates. I hate people touching my hair except DP and DC.

Joysmum · 22/12/2013 09:23

It wouldn't have bothered me with my child but then my child doesn't need space.

Tbh, I think most people in this country are treading on eggshells when it comes to children, with fathers fearing they'll be seen as inappropriate with their kids friends etc. it's not easy times to be living in as we are transitioning from a time when I was a child to collective neighbourhood parenting (no fears of any parent retribution for a neighbour telling off naughty kids back then) to now where we all are increasing insular. The older generation haven't always adapted to changes in normal. I know I find it so sad to read the increasing examples of expected aloofness.

Most people I know would automatically assume a parent is being protective of a child being touched because of child protection, rather than for conditions such as autism.

That's probably why she was offended, she maybe thought you were seeing her as a threat to your child, rather than your child having needs.

Wolfiefan · 22/12/2013 09:31

I would hate someone touching my hair. It feels very personal. (Happy to have a hug with friends though!) My kids wouldn't appreciate this either. DS too cool and DD too independent (in fact she might well have "removed" the hand herself!)

Wolfiefan · 22/12/2013 09:32

From her head. Not removal from the arm of the waitress!

AwfulMaureen · 22/12/2013 09:36

Joys the problem with the society you describe is that it's a heaven for abusers. Many children were and still are abused by neighbours and friends because of the lack of boundaries which have been in place.

Yes, the loss of the good side of that is sad but ultimately it's good that we give children's bodies respect...and let children know that their bodies are theirs alone and people can't take liberties.

bellasuewow · 22/12/2013 10:42

We are in a mixed culture in both my cultures poor kids get grabbed and kissed and hugged whether the poor little buggers like it or not etc it was a bit unwise of her but perhaps she is a tactile and Huggy person. I'm so sorry my ds does not like that she has asd, sorry. would have been the more British, apologetic and wonderfully classy thing to say as the Brits do best.

JingleMyBells · 22/12/2013 11:28

What an odd thing for and adult to do. I bet she wouldn't do that to another adult and I bet there would be uproar if it had been a waiter rather than a waitress.

JingleMyBells · 22/12/2013 11:28

YANBU btw.

Joysmum · 22/12/2013 11:32

Awfulmaureen I don't disagree with you. Just explain that people find it takes longer to adapt than society changes.

I'm only 40 myself and yet I've lost track of what word we should currently be using on subjects that can be touchy. Doesn't make me a bad person to get things wrong, doesn't mean I don't want to get things right either. Just means attitudes and behaviour takes time to change to keep up.

vj32 · 22/12/2013 11:50

The how much to say to strangers thing is hard. Is DD able to tell you what she would have liked to happen in different situations? Would she use cards - could she decide what she wants on them? I don't think you should have to tell everyone you meet that your DD has an ASD at all but you are probably going to come across this problem again with people being overly friendly because they assume your DD is shy.

lljkk · 22/12/2013 12:00

yanbu. I think it's sadly just part & parcel of having your child that you will have more of these occasions, though. So you need to be tougher about it. The waitress didn't do anything wrong in my mind, either.

maddening · 22/12/2013 12:02

Maybe it was just your approach - just say "I'm so sorry she just hates people touching her" as opposed to physically brushing her hand away and saying " please don't do that she doesn't like it" - the waitress doesn't know why you were so upset as she hadn't done anything dreadful to warrant that reaction normally. Approaching it gently could possibly avoid the need for explanation.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 22/12/2013 12:08

If the waitress was so offended she didn't want to service you then that is a lesson for her. What could have happened was she was upset she had bothered you and felt it best she stay away from your table.

You did nothing wrong.

You don't need to get a grip.

The poster who said FFS is the one who needs to get a grip and some manners.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 22/12/2013 12:08

serve, not service!

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