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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have pushed this woman's hand away?

179 replies

SparkleSoiree · 22/12/2013 01:17

Earlier in the week we stayed in a hotel en route to elsewhere for a couple of days.

At breakfast in the hotel it was just myself and my DD(6) who has Autistic Spectrum Disorder and Sensory Processing Disorder. One of the traits is that she can't bear to be touched by people and gets very rigid, defensive and anxious when people do touch her. We don't receive affection from DD for this reason.

The waitress came to the table and asked us what would we like for breakfast. DD was still thinking and I was slowly running through the options with her showing her pictures off of the menu. The waitress then started to run her fingers through DD's hair from her fringe backwards asking what she would like to eat. At this point (without thinking) I immediately put my hand on hers and brushed it off of DD's head. She looked shocked and taken aback and I said "Please don't do that, she doesn't like it."

I have never had to do it before but the waitress was clearly offended as somebody else took over at our table but was I being unreasonable in the way I approached it? I am still trying to figure out how to advocate for my DD when out and about as she is non-verbal when out in public with strangers but I don't want to offend people because they cannot see she is Autistic and don't mean to offend, I'm sure.

WIBU?

OP posts:
CloverkissSparklecheeks · 22/12/2013 01:47

Brian - I didn't really explain what I meant very well, I just meant touching in that way, running fingers through someone's hair seems odd that was all, I am quite a tactile person and would probably touch someone's arm or something like that and in this situation I am guessing it would be the same to the OP's DD.

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 22/12/2013 01:48

Thank you all for your responses, all of them and suggestions. AllIWant I will speak with DD and see if we can give that a try - thanks!

I am quite a tactile person and often gently touch someone's arm during conversation or whatever so I do tend to do it myself from time to time. I do have to speak up for DD by putting her wishes and feelings forward (because she won't) and it's not a problem when it's a positive situation! I think maybe it's becaues it was my first awkward situation in public and I guess it doesn't sit well with me challenging other's behaviour, especially when they were probably only trying to be friendly in their own way too.

Now I feel worse! I must go and find a grip somewhere!

OP posts:
Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 22/12/2013 01:51

Squoosh it wasn't what I would call stroking. She actually slid her fingers under DD's rather long fringe and combed her fingers through DD's hair over the top of her head until I managed to brush her hand away.

The kind of thing I would do to myself as opposed to somebody else.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 22/12/2013 01:53

OP honestly, I don't think you need to get a grip at all.

Running fingers through hair is very intimate. Not sexual, obviously but it, to me, requires a close relationship of some kind. Friend,mum,dad,partner,own child - that kind of closeness.

hazchem · 22/12/2013 01:54

I can't believe the waitress stroked your daughters hair like that. I'm NT and having a stranger do that to me would freak me out. I don;t think removing the waitress hand from you daughter was rude. In fact it seams pretty normal.

Hope you and your daughter were able to enjoy the meal.

BrianTheMole · 22/12/2013 01:54

Maybe your dd has beautiful hair. You don't need to get a grip though, its the first time its happened. You responded to that. Now you have a chance to think of responses that sit easier with you for the future.

squoosh · 22/12/2013 02:01

Ok OP I do then agree that she crossed a line there even if it was kindly meant. Maybe in future she'll think twice when she next goes to touch someone. Look on it as having done the waitress a favour!

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 22/12/2013 02:06

Thank you everyone, you have been very gentle with me and I have got some tips to take away and ponder over - thanks! Smile

OP posts:
TheTruffleHunter · 22/12/2013 02:13

You don't have to 'challenge' her if she's just being friendly, please just briefly explain HFA- doesn't like being touched...but thanks for being sweet to her

VenusDeWillendorf · 22/12/2013 02:22

I think you were both friendly.
But she was ott by touching your Dds head.

Also she was handling food, so stray hairs that may have fallen off would be on her hands! Elfandsaftey innit?

Seriously, I wouldn't give her feelings another thought.
She moved tables in order to manage her own stress about the situation.
You had your lunch without further incident... All good.

You don't have to explain your Dds medical history to anyone: a simple "she doesn't like" that sounds prefect. Not everyone knows what "sensor disorders" are, and your dd might be very upset by their jaw dropping clangers they might come out with while you explain. It's none of their business, besides "she doesn't like being touched by strangers" and you could add, "who does?!!" is perfect.

Hope you had a lovely time after that.

It really makes me annoyed how strangers help themselves to our personal space: I'm forever getting hugged by people whom I know only a bit - co workers etc, and it drives me nuts. I must look like I like hugs.. Whereas I really don't want to hug people I work with, at all.

I don't shake hands either, as I never know where their hands have been (I have atopic dermatitis,and nickel allergies, so if they've been handling coins or keys, my skin flares up, and I broke my wrist a while back, and I find people sometimes really grip your hand to shake it and it really hurts)
I just wave my left hand in their face if they want to shake my hand now, and don't go into the medical reasons.

I think you did the right thing. I think the waitress should have kept her touchy freely needs to herself. Your DD is not a toy. She was probably shocked that she had actually touched someone, so she changed tables to avoid the situation. Maybe she's learned her lesson for the future- do not molest the customers!

LargeGlassofRed · 22/12/2013 02:39

It's strange, since becoming disabled myself I have found people randomly touching me and have had the hair stroking thing too!
I am convinced people don't realise they are doing it but find it hard not to feel very patronised when it happens.
I think you did exactly right advocating for your daughter and the waitress was probably embarrassed to have offended you.

mcgilly · 22/12/2013 02:57

I would be horrified if anyone touched my children like that. It's very intimate and invasive.
If anyone touched me like that I would recoil. Why should children tolerate any different? They are not toys. Yanbu. And you handled it very well.

differentnameforthis · 22/12/2013 03:56

I think saying what you said was enough. The reason doesn't need to be vocalised, like it is some kind of justification. I think that running her hand through her hair is rather too familiar anyway & I don't think either of mine would like this done by a stranger.

My dd's (5 & 10) don't really like to be hugged for too long by their granddad (nothing wrong with what he does, or how he does it, they just don't like being restricted for as long as he seems to do it for). They just say, "please stop, I don't like it" and that to me, is enough.

No explanation is needed.

saintlyjimjams · 22/12/2013 04:20

I don't think you have to explain in this case - she may well have had the same reaction from anyone. I suppose I might pat an unknown 2 year old on the head (unlikely though) but running fingers through a 6 year olds hair is a no-no.

I gave up trying to explain autism to the general public (ds1 is severely autistic) & find going out much easier now I don't feel the need to educate. People either get autism or they don't (or they either accept autistic behaviour or not - not that your dd was reacting in a particularly unusual way to her hair being stroked by a stranger) & I find telling them
about it makes no difference. Unless they ask. If they ask I tell them & they're interested.

MammaTJ · 22/12/2013 04:31

I cannot stand people touching my head, to the point where I have to cut and colour it myself.

This is as a direct result of having had 'pretty hair' as a child that was seemingly irresistable to adults! Angry

YWNBU, the waitress was oversensitive.

echt · 22/12/2013 04:57

I'm amazed anyone who is any way involved in the serving of food touches another person's hair.

Even before the question of personal space comes food hygiene.

TheBookofRuth · 22/12/2013 05:27

No, sorry, that's weird, why on earth was the waitress touching your DD in a first place - especially such a personal gesture as running her fingers through her hair? It's an extraordinary thing to do.

I'd have told her to stop if it'd been my DD, and she doesn't have ASD.

HicDraconis · 22/12/2013 05:38

I'm sure the waitress wouldn't have touched an adult diner in such an intimate way. Why is it ok to touch a child? Autism or NT, why does a child not deserve the same respect of self, boundaries and personal space as an adult?

I'd have done the same if my boys had been the subject of her stroking and they have no sensory processing issues.

Chottie · 22/12/2013 05:58

OP please don't worry, I am a touchy sort of person, but I would never touch a child's hair.

Just let this one go, it's not really important and I hope the waitress will think twice before touching someone else's child in future.

DolomitesDonkey · 22/12/2013 06:00

Stop torturing yourself over such a "small thing". The waitress was over-familiar and I'd have probably done the same (no SEN) - I'm one of those who didn't like people touching my babies. I doubt she's thought about it since either!

SilverApples · 22/12/2013 06:47

YANBU, would the waitress have done it to an adult, do you think?
What if the waiter had tried it?
Or is it just that children aren't entitled to bodily autonomy.
I used to explain about DS having AS, but no way should you feel that you owe a random stranger any explanation at all. She was wrong.

bigtimerush · 22/12/2013 06:54

Those that are saying the waitress was being over friendly are a bit harsh.
It seems to me as if she was being very sweet. She wasn't to know complex issues.
Can't have it every way, I would prefer a waitress with some personality and human kindness than a robot.

ImpOfDarkness · 22/12/2013 06:58

FFS. The poor waitress was just trying to be nice. I think your reaction was fine but sge was clearly just trying to be friendly and put your daughter at her ease.

SilverApples · 22/12/2013 07:01

But she wouldn't have done it to an adult. DS would have hit her when he was that age, if I hadn't blocked her before she touched him.

ImpOfDarkness · 22/12/2013 07:09

No, but children are?t adults. Someone upthread said thet'd be horrified by this. That is IMO a gross over-reaction and I fear for the future of a society where people are increasingly afraid of normal social interaction with strangers.