To have pushed this woman's hand away?

[SparkleSoiree]

Earlier in the week we stayed in a hotel en route to elsewhere for a couple of days.

At breakfast in the hotel it was just myself and my DD(6) who has Autistic Spectrum Disorder and Sensory Processing Disorder. One of the traits is that she can't bear to be touched by people and gets very rigid, defensive and anxious when people do touch her. We don't receive affection from DD for this reason.

The waitress came to the table and asked us what would we like for breakfast. DD was still thinking and I was slowly running through the options with her showing her pictures off of the menu. The waitress then started to run her fingers through DD's hair from her fringe backwards asking what she would like to eat. At this point (without thinking) I immediately put my hand on hers and brushed it off of DD's head. She looked shocked and taken aback and I said "Please don't do that, she doesn't like it."

I have never had to do it before but the waitress was clearly offended as somebody else took over at our table but was I being unreasonable in the way I approached it? I am still trying to figure out how to advocate for my DD when out and about as she is non-verbal when out in public with strangers but I don't want to offend people because they cannot see she is Autistic and don't mean to offend, I'm sure.

WIBU?

Cranberry my son would have grabbed her hand and bit it and then screamed and slapped himself. Do you think a child that is nt would reacted like that?

Was that an apology, Fanjo?!

I had to take my DD to a new GP yesterday.first thing I said was that she had autism and is non verbal.

Because otherwise he would have asked her questions.

The OP's DD's autism is relevant because being touched like that could have caused her physical painful distress for hours.

Personally my DD is so disabled by autism she cannot speak or use toilet or feed self at age 7.

Going to a restaurant is probably an unimaginable big deal to Op compared to you.

This is why you should rethink and apologise for saying we are obsessed with labels and over medicalisation.

We fucking wish.

Pardon my French.

Educate yourself.

Hazey. .apparently so.

Oh for the luxury of being so insensitive and unaware as to see autism as nothing more than an annoyance on MN

Autism is over-medicalisation??

:looks at teenager who can only say one word -mummy- & wonders what else to call it:

Ds1 is very sensory seeking so good luck to anyone who touches him - they may end up with 5 foot 7 teen sat happily on their lap grabbing their hair & pulling it back repeatedly. I suspect they might appreciate an explanation....

Saintly. .you do love to overmedicalise.

Many teenagers are shy and say few words.

Saintly. .you do love to overmedicalise.

Many teenagers are shy and say few words.

Oops

Ha ha yes I'm not sure I'd call him shy.

We played a funny game a few days ago at a friend's party. Her house was heaving -very bizarrely ds1 loves a busy party. I managed to persuade him not to Hoover (!) so he took to skipping up & down amongst the hordes of people. We stood back but watching constantly obviously. Occasionally someone who didn't know him would try to exchange a few words, watching their response when ds1 did his thing (either blanked them or responded with a neeeeeee) had me in tears (of laughter) - so yes an explanation can help.

Yes, DD likes to surprise people who talk to her by squealing and flapping at them

Cranberry you really don't seem to understand autism at all.

I stand by my point tho. I don't think many six-year-olds or their parents would've liked be pawed at whilst waiting for their breakfast

And, as several parents with children who are autistic have said, the way they react would be completely different. My 3 NT children would have been fine with it at 6. Had they not been, they (and every NT child I know) would simply have shrugged the hand away or pushed it away at the most. They wouldn't have have a huge emotional response followed by a complete meltdown and bitten the waitress amongst other such things.

As for "over medicalisation" FFS. Seriously??

I would suggest you stop trying to dig yourself out of the hole you've put yourself it and either apologise properly for saying something ignorant or stop typing.

Hang on a minute Cranberry, don't you have a label too?
Or am I confusing you with another poster? Apologies if that is so, but I associate your name with a poster that has strong opinions on MH issues.

My heart sank when I read all of your last post Cranberry after being lifted with your first few words.

I have read every response on here and tried to learn and take things away from people who have been there and done it, regardless of whether it's comfortable for me to read or not. I don't proclaim to know all about Autism and (as already stated several times) don't like to bring it up in public. In fact I am so bloody angry at Autism for how it affects my DD and for tearing our family life apart from what it was a few years ago that I despair of ever feeling any kind of positivity again.

My DD(6) isn't toilet trained, can't brush her teeth, won't allow me to bath her or brush her hair without aggression because she does NOT LIKE TO BE TOUCHED, can't use cutlery, doesn't understand her own vulnerability or danger around her, refuses all affection, sleeps for only a few hours in the night, kicks walls, doors, radiators so hard with her bare feet that she breaks her skin unless we intervene, has meltdowns that are so destructive it looks like a tornado has flown through the room, calls me horrible names every day, hits me spontaneously and the list goes on. For us though, compared to other families with Autism, this is not so severe. For us though, it's enough. I don't know how other families cope with more, I honestly don't. It takes every bit of emotional and physical strength at times to get through one day with an Autistic child.

My daughter doesn't have a label, she has Autism with associated conditions. Autism is a Neurological developmental disability. It's not an excuse or a label. It's not over-medicalising. I am not only my daughters full-time carer but her home educator because no school situation has yet been identified that the education authority are happy to pay for. I have been to hell and back with my family getting our head around DD's diagnosis and how that affects her future, fighting with local government for extra support just to get her into school (2nd court date coming up) and trying to keep my family and marriage together. My 13yr old daughter no longer resists sitting on the sidelines, my career has been on hold for 6 years because I cannot get out to work, my friends have all given up on me socially, my DH works long hours to provide for all of us because one of us has to and yet, even now people want to somehow bring us to a different level, try to make us feel that we are normal and nothing is wrong. I KNOW this isn't normal, I know because I remember my life before Autism. I was a totally different woman then, very different and I hate what Autism has done to our life. The one good thing about my anger is that it helps me drive things forward for DD, to keep fighting for the support that she NEEDS to be able to have any kind of chance at a decent life. In time I hope we will all be in a place where we will be happy. At the moment I just hope that we can get DD into school soon and one day maybe hear her tell me she loves me (those little things mean so much when you don't have them).

So thank you for the half-hearted apology but, whilst you may view my daughter's Autism as irrelevant, you are very, very wrong and I am speechless.

An American friend sent me this.
www.friendshipcircle.org/blog/2013/03/13/15-reasons-why-its-hard-to-get-along-with-special-needs-parents/

I rarely say 'Merry Christmas' I wish people a Peaceful Christmas, because for many of us, it really isn't.

I'm always amazed by the concept of 'over medicalisation'with regard to developmental conditions. When my young relative was diagnosed with cancer, no one suggested that it shouldn't be named as such and was over medicalised. When my DD broke her hand, she was given a cast. no one thought that was over medicalised either. When a child is diagnosed with diabetes, their whole world changes. no-one suggest that is over medicalised, either. Yet, when children finally get acknowledgement that, for them, the world is already different, that the struggles they have in daily life are part of a wider condition, it is 'over medicalised'

Such a shame that the OP, Fanjo and Saintly have had to go into detail, describing what Autism 'looks like'in their children so that the OP can justify that doesn't like being touched is relevant to the ASD diagnosis

SilverApples I like that!

Yabvu you were rude. You shoud ave explained that your dd has ASD and des not like to be touched as it could trigger a mealtdwns. I have a dd who has ASD, so kind of understand.

pigletmania, but it's difficult, isn't it - who does the OP show more respect to, the person who has invaded her DD's space, or her DD who is very aware of her new diagnosis and in a very uncomfortable position?

I tend to say 'DD has learning difficulties' because DD1 is aware that she has a 'hard brain' as she calls it, and is quite comfortable with it in general (mainly because her LD also make her a happy go lucky sort).

Should someone have to go into the ins and outs of their condition to justify wanting their personal space respected?

Imagine that the scenario was different - an adult was spoken to by a waitress and instead of replying, ran away from the table towards the toilets. Should other adults at the table have to explain that the adult has chrons disease and had bowel shortening surgery which means that they have an urgent need for the toilet, when the waitress is offended?

I appreciate that in ideal circumstances the OP would have a friendly but clear statement she could say, such as 'DD1 finds touch very painful, please give her some space', but the OP is getting used to the diagnosis and the implications of it and is most probably very aware of what may cause a reaction from her DD which will destroy their day.

A lesser example, but my DD reacted terribly to being told that a family member we don't see often is 'part of our family' and as a result she hid in the dining room last Christmas day, refusing to come out and then refused to sit at the dining room table unless she was seated as far away as possible from that individual. She had a fixed view of what 'her family' was and couldn't comprehend that this 'stranger' could be part of it. If we had known that, we certainly would have avoided any mention of them being part of the 'family' because it made for a very uncomfortable situation.

Perhaps the OP could envisage a complete breakdown of her DD in a public place, where it is very hard to manage any reactions.

No one should feel they have to explain why they don't like being touched - just saying "I (or in this case, she) don't like it" is enough.

All children should grow up knowing they can assert their boundaries, whether it is not liking a relative kissing/tickling them, or a stranger running their fingers through their hair. If the child can't assert themselves, then of course the parent should do it for them.

I'm certainly not going to be teaching my children that if someone touches them in a way that makes them uncomfortable that they have to apologise and explain their feelings. Their feelings are valid enough for them just to say no.

Slightly random, but were you in Kent OP, because the exact same incident happened when we were having breakfast in a hotel earlier in the week and I noticed it as the table was near ours and had been surprised that the waitress would touch someone's child tbh, Autistic or not.

you were right.

its a status thing. children have low status in society so traditionally adults have thought they were free to touch them. that has changed recently but your waitress hasn't noticed.

Whoopiepie if it was between 9-10am and in the Folkestone area then yes it could have been us.

I think there's your answer, Sparkle - if Whoopiepie noticed the waitresses touching enough to see it and think 'hmm...that's odd' then you were likely well within the bounds of reasonable behaviour to intervene, given your DD's distress.

Are you getting lots of OT support, btw? I can't imagine how tough it must be to feel that you can't give/receive physical affection to your DD. I hope that you have a great OT who has some really good practical advice.

By the way, the SN board has lots of very lovely people who will understand how things can be -we all help each other through the fun times! Feel free to come and say hi, if you want to Special Needs board Special Needs chat - only stays for 90 days.

Lougle thank you. We have recently identified a private OT who DD seemed to respond to and we plan to have DD work with her regularly. The NHS OT we have seen recently ended our appointment after around 10mins saying DD should be seen at home as their environment was clearly making her anxious and non-communicative. So she is due to come and see us in a few weeks.

I am getting used to no affection within our relationship, I detach myself from the issue. I can't afford to ponder too long or else I lose my thread to the day!

Thanks for the link, I will wander over at some point.

It becomes your 'normal' doesn't it? DD2 (6) can seem very cold and clinical when she speaks to me, and it's taken a long time for me to really and truly grasp why and that she means me no harm, that there is no motive or intention there. Which is strange, because DD1 is 8 and has SN, goes to special school, etc., and I've been on the SN section on MN for years, but I've just never got the issues that DD2 has until the last year or so. I find I can take it all so much better if I can rationally tell myself that DD2 just views the world differently, so responds as she views it.