To have pushed this woman's hand away?

[SparkleSoiree]

Earlier in the week we stayed in a hotel en route to elsewhere for a couple of days.

At breakfast in the hotel it was just myself and my DD(6) who has Autistic Spectrum Disorder and Sensory Processing Disorder. One of the traits is that she can't bear to be touched by people and gets very rigid, defensive and anxious when people do touch her. We don't receive affection from DD for this reason.

The waitress came to the table and asked us what would we like for breakfast. DD was still thinking and I was slowly running through the options with her showing her pictures off of the menu. The waitress then started to run her fingers through DD's hair from her fringe backwards asking what she would like to eat. At this point (without thinking) I immediately put my hand on hers and brushed it off of DD's head. She looked shocked and taken aback and I said "Please don't do that, she doesn't like it."

I have never had to do it before but the waitress was clearly offended as somebody else took over at our table but was I being unreasonable in the way I approached it? I am still trying to figure out how to advocate for my DD when out and about as she is non-verbal when out in public with strangers but I don't want to offend people because they cannot see she is Autistic and don't mean to offend, I'm sure.

WIBU?

In what way is explaining that your child doesn't like being touched because they have autism, 'playing the autism card'?!

Most six year olds I've ever met (and I have a year 2 child) would not have been comfortable with it, and I don't have a problem with a parent of any child telling a stranger to stop groping their child as it's making them feel uncomfortable.

I don't see why it's worse or even relevant that the Op's daughter has autism.

Because with a mundane child, they say 'Mummy, I didn't like that lady touching my hair' and mummy agrees and for most that's the end of it.
For a child on the spectrum, especially one with anxiety, the effects can be more traumatic, can lead them to refuse to repeat those circumstances again, can increase stimming and introversion.
Some things are a bit more complicated if you have a child with additional needs, especially if as a parent you are worried about how others perceive their behaviour and your actions.
Because the stranger hasn't got a fucking clue most of the time.

Yanbu, i don't see why it is ok for a stranger to touch a childs hair and wind it round their hand.
Would we as adults do that to an adult stranger in a cafe?

Cranberrysauce, that's a very unkind thing to say. Can you really not understand that something that plenty of children don't like very much might actually be quite distressing to a child with autism - who may very well have sensory issues?

Or that being the parent of a child with autism, and constantly having to negotiate the world, trying to work out the best thing to do for your child without attracting negative attention from random strangers can be quite difficult and draining?

Use your imagination and empathy, for heaven's sake.

I don't see why it's worse or even relevant that the Op's daughter has autism

Well with two of my children it would have had very interesting results, one of them would have meant we had to leave very quickly without eating or even putting coats on,if not screaming hissing and very loud grunts would happen combined with panic striming,this could quite easily got on for the remainder of the day even if it was another 12 hours.

The other one would have bitten the waitress then tipped over the table.

There is a massive difference between some one who would have a minor amount of upset and someone who could have a compleate melt down ( and I mean meltdown in the true sense not in the omg I can't cope with this perfectly normal toddler tantrum way)

The waitress was just being friendly. She acted in a way she thought was ok, and was trying to be nice.

It wasn't particularly professional for someone who's going in and out of a kitchen (albeit not preparing the food) to ruffle their fingers through hair though.

She doesn't know that your DD doesn't like it, or of course she wouldn't have done it. I would have perhaps explained a little more (yes, yes, it's not your duty too, but just for politeness) as she was trying in a slightly weird way to be over friendly, then obviously got a little offended/upset/whatever as she didn't come back.

The waitress was not being unreasonable. It was a tiny bit over familiar, but hellishly unreasonable? No.

Neither were you, she touched your child's head, you moved her hand. Probably a smidge on the abrupt side, but then you know DD's situation and were just acting quickly.

You probably know you were a little bit brisk in your manner, or you wouldn't even be questioning if ywbu :)

Lets hope that the waitress was self-aware enough to be embarrassed rather than offended, and that's why she swapped tables.

edam

I think Cranberry is on ops side here and is just saying that level of touching is not acceptable and all children have the potential to dislike it.

The fact that ops dd has autism heightens that in her case but any child may well dislike being touched like that by a complete stranger.

The waitress wouldn't have done it to an adult would she.

YANBU. If she didn't want her hand touched, she shouldn't have touched someone else without permission! It's a bit hypocritical of her to take offence! She wouldn't just start running her hands through an adults hair so she shouldn't do it with a child.

LCHammer Sun 22-Dec-13 20:49:10
Hoho. What a joke. Do you really not see the difference? A child with her mum in a public place? Is this becoming a thread about paedophiles? Or shall we keep it to an over-angsty over-analysing mum wondering aloud and expecting pats on the back for how well she's done. And that she's retrieved plenty, from me too. It was ok. Move on. (And Aplogies if the pats on the back invade your space.)

The posts on here have been supportive, helpful and advisory. I don't expect anything from anybody, especially virtual pats on the back. I know I am over-analysing things but it's because my family and I are encountering new situations regularly that we are unsure how to handle so I find it helpful to ask others perspectives on things. I've always been described as over-analytical since I was a young child, it's part of who I am but I don't think there is any need to be rude by adding things like "expecting pats on the back" or sarcastic comments about space invasion.

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CranberrySaucyJack Sun 22-Dec-13 21:10:34
I think you're making a massive deal out of nothing.

Plenty of six year old's would not like being pawed at by a stranger, and plenty of parents would not appreciate it either.

No need to play the autism card.

Whilst I agree that other 6yr olds wouldn't like to be touched I didn't play the Autism card. I never mentioned it to the waitress. The reason I mentioned it on this post was to highlight my knowledge of DD's sensory issues and her guaranteed reaction. As somebody else pointed out, if it were any other my other children they would have spoken up for themselves without the need for my intervention.

PLAY the Autism card, do people really think like that? I find it an offensive statement. We don't pick and choose when we have Autism in this house, it's here 24x7. Who would ever willingly have Autism?

Thanks everyone for the constructive feedback, it has helped, genuinely.

Cranberry - if a child has sensory issues, of course it makes a difference. If someone touched my dd1 she might not like it, she might tell me does not like it. If someone touched my ds (who does not have autism, but does have sensory issues) then he would find it confusing and overwhelming, he would be frightened and he would not be able to tell me as he has no speech.

I don't see why it's worse or even relevant that the Op's daughter has autism.

I would say that makes it quite clear you have no experience of autism then.

Yanbu, my dd's don't have autism and I wouldn't like it if a stranger did that, not in a paedophile way, in a you don't know me or my children, wtf do you think you're doing kind of way.

I was upset once (frustrated, not sad) and DDs carer, who I had met that day, reached out and pushed my fringe behind my ear. It felt like an electric shock -hugely invasive and personal; deeply uncomfortable.

OP it will get easier to advocate for your DD. I think you were in a very difficult situation, tbh., especially if your DD is high functioning enough to be acutely aware of her diagnosis.

I'd like to remind everyone, also, that Autism is a real medical condition, not a Top Trumps card

Alis, it was Cranberry who accused the OP of 'playing the autism card'. Which is a hurtful, nasty and inaccurate thing to say.

I think she pushed boundaries here and you reacted as you felt. That's the risk she took. I'm sure if you had more time to consider you may not have done it exactly how you did but hey, you didn't have that time so...don't beat yourself up.

I would never touch someone's child like that unless I knew them.

SparkleSoiree

Ok, I was a bit rude, and I'm sorry if you found it hurtful.

I'm just finding MN utterly obsessed with various labels and diagnoses at the moment, and 99% of the time there's really no need to over-medicalize every last little thing anyone says or does. All children are individuals.

I stand by my point tho. I don't think many six-year-olds or their parents would've liked be pawed at whilst waiting for their breakfast (and no, NT six year old are not generally capable of asking strangers to politely leave them alone at that age). The waitress was overstepping boundaries. Your daughter's autism is irrelevant.

cranberry, what on earth are you talking about? If someone has autism, then they have autism - how is this over medicalising?

Oh for the luxury of seeing autism as a label and label and just an overmedicalisation rather than a neurological condition we struggle with every day.

That is one of the most ignorant posts I have seen here for a long time.

Autism isn't a label it's a disability.

Gah

Maybe don't bother next time you want to apologise

Also, someone talking about their child having autism, is not being obsessed with diagnoses - if your child is disabled then what is wrong with talking about it in a post?

Also, as I said earlier - the effect of an unwarned, out of the blue touch on someone with sensory issues is different to the effect on someone without - so the op bringing up her child's autism is completely relevant.