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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to leave because I'm a stepmum?

194 replies

Flower111 · 20/09/2013 14:10

I know I will probably get flamed for this, but I hate being a stepmum. Would I be unreasonable to end my relationship because of my stepdaughter's existence?

I have been with her dad for almost 4 years now and we have a child together. I feel like our child is the only reason I have stayed so long, just so that he doesn't come from a broken family as well.

But I want to get away from my stepdaughter and the rest of my partner's family. I can't stand her or my in laws. I've had enough of pretending that I like any of them and keeping a straight face.

OP posts:
ThisWayForCrazy · 20/09/2013 14:11

Yes, I think you should leave, they don't need such a nasty person in their life!

noisytoys · 20/09/2013 14:13

I think leaving is the kindest thing you can do for your step DD.

Lj8893 · 20/09/2013 14:13

Why don't you like her or your in laws?

Dobbiesmum · 20/09/2013 14:15

Hang on, don't assume she's a bad person because she feels this way!
OP what happened to make you feel like this? Have you always disliked them or has something happened?

wonderingsoul · 20/09/2013 14:15

yes, i think you should. itd be kindest for every one.

mrsravelstein · 20/09/2013 14:15

gut instinct - you've got the choice to leave and not really have anything further to do with your stepdaughter, she doesn't have that choice, so yes it should be you to leave not her. (but i'm biased, as ds1's stepmum can't stand him either)

RoonilWazlibWuvsHermyown · 20/09/2013 14:16

YANBU. It would be kinder for everyone really. Y

woollyideas · 20/09/2013 14:16

ThisWayForCrazy That was totally unnecessary.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/09/2013 14:16

If you can't stand your step daughter then yes leave, best for everyone.

VodkaJelly · 20/09/2013 14:16

Maybe we should find out the backstory before we judge if the OP is a nasty person or not.

Walk a mile and shoes etc

GrownUpYOYO · 20/09/2013 14:16

Do what feels right. Staying for the sake of the kids barely works out well. I've recently married and I HATE MIL. (Didn't like her before but now she is trying to control our marriage) so I sympathize on the inlaw bit.

Your stepdaughter will be able to pick up on your negativity (I know this because I had a stepmother who couldn't stand me). It would have been best for everyone if she had left (not only for me but for my younger brother).

Original poster
Flower111 · 20/09/2013 14:16

Is it horrible that I won't make an effort to maintain contact with her? I understand that she'll need to see her brother but I refuse to sort that and will leave it to their dad?

OP posts:
KoalaFace · 20/09/2013 14:16

Why do you think you feel like this OP?

catsoup · 20/09/2013 14:16

How old is your step DD? Why did you have a child with a man who already had a DD if you don't want to be a step mum.

Delilahlilah · 20/09/2013 14:17

Op, I think you should ask for this to be moved to relationships.... it sounds like you need the help you can get there

JackyJax · 20/09/2013 14:17

Is this for real? You state your feelings so baldly that it makes me doubt the authenticity of your post. I'm a step mum too so do understand some of the difficulties (as well as delights) of that role. Your language seems so extreme though- seeming to dislike even your 'stepdaughter's existence'. Maybe some counselling would help you to make sense of your feelings and then to move forwards in a way that is healthy for everyone.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/09/2013 14:18

How old is she?? Why exactly don't you like her?

Dobbiesmum · 20/09/2013 14:18

Your OP read like the online equivalent of taking a deep breath and blurting it out. What's brought it to a head after 4 years?

GrownUpYOYO · 20/09/2013 14:18

If you split with your childs father your stepdaughter won't be your responsibility. (That will be up to their dad)

wantsleepnow · 20/09/2013 14:19

Please head over to the step-parenting board and give a little more background. You will absolutely get flamed for saying you hate a child without giving any reason for why you feel how you do.

Often it is the situation that people hate, but focus it wrongly on the step-child. Those on the step-parenting board have experience of giving support and understanding to those struggling with a situation.

caramelwaffle · 20/09/2013 14:19

It may be reasonable depending on the circumstances.

Do you and your husband love each other?

What is upsetting you to make you want to leave so much?

How old is the SD? (There is a huge difference between say, a meddling shit stirring 25 year old SD and a very young 5 year old SD)

Is the problem mainly with the in-Laws?

mrsravelstein · 20/09/2013 14:19

it doesn't matter if it's 'horrible' to not maintain contact with her, i just can't see what possible benefit it is to her to have a stepmum around her who feels as you do. and yes her dad can sort it, no need for you to be involved.

Queenofknickers · 20/09/2013 14:19

I'm a stepmum too, Flower, and it can be SO hard...and acknowledging that doesn't take away from step children's rights etc - it is simply how it is. We aren't angels or martyrs or evil!just human....

What's happening/happened, flower? You sound completely at the end of your tether...

caramelwaffle · 20/09/2013 14:20

I agree with moving this to Relationships.

Original poster
Flower111 · 20/09/2013 14:24

Backstory:

Met my partner when I was 21 and it was fine at the beginning. I would have done anything for my stepdaughter and we got on so well. Relationship was brilliant. Ever since our son was born I changed. It hasn't been easy.

I have felt trapped and pressurised to look after my
stepdaughter when I had just had my baby, and I began to resent her. My in laws have always poisonous, saying that she needs my love as a second mother and needs overcompensating for because her mum and dad split up.

So now everything about her and them just fills me with dread. All I wanted was to be a mother to my son, and they got her to call me mummy. Her mum has her half the week as do we (or shall I say I as my partner works a lot?) and I'm sick of it.

OP posts:
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