to leave because I'm a stepmum?

[Flower111]

I know I will probably get flamed for this, but I hate being a stepmum. Would I be unreasonable to end my relationship because of my stepdaughter's existence?

I have been with her dad for almost 4 years now and we have a child together. I feel like our child is the only reason I have stayed so long, just so that he doesn't come from a broken family as well.

But I want to get away from my stepdaughter and the rest of my partner's family. I can't stand her or my in laws. I've had enough of pretending that I like any of them and keeping a straight face.

[caramelwaffle]

Adopted step children are your children, otherwise they are your step children.

[usuallyright]

semantics, surely? If you are step mum/dad, you're in 'loco parentis' and do everything a bio mum/dad does? A couple of my friends are stepmothers and they treat the step dc's the same as their bio kids.
I do think you need massive support and enormous patience to do this, however. I know I couldn't. One of my dc's Mum's just got divorced after a brief marriage cos she couldn't get on with the step kids and found the blended family scenario impossible. The four kids involved were all preteen/teens though, so possibly easier to stepparent when the dc's are much younger and less resentful of the situation.

[usuallyright]

from what the op describes, this sounds like it could be a similar stage to what my stepmum friends went through. I know in their cases, the relationship with step dc's got worse before it got better and worked out fine in the end, after a lot of soul searching, some initial conflict etc

[caramelwaffle]

Well there is the nub: expected to be the parent but not be the parent.

It's not simply semantics where the law, essential decisions, general decisions or behaviour of others are concerned.

For example "Oi, you! You will call yourself this child's mother and will do as you are told to put this child above all other children but Oi! don't be getting all uppity now and thinking you are this child's mother. You will not discipline this child. You will not make any decisions over their health treatment or schooling. You will let them eat/watch/smoke what they want! Who do you think you are? Their mother (or father)?"

[usuallyright]

that's why I couldn't do it and admire those who do and parent successfully without using the kids as lawns.
I've seen it up close and personal and it's a tough, tough job. I wouldn't do it unless the kids were fully grown adults.

[usuallyright]

pawns, not lawns

[randomAXEofkindness]

"A couple of my friends are stepmothers and they treat the step dc's the same as their bio kids."

Of course they do, all kids deserve to be treated well, the issue is about whose children they ACTUALLY are.

"Looking after 'someone else's child' half the week, etc. surely if you're in a long term relationship/marriage, the stepchild is your child too?"

Well no. The stepchild is your stepchild. If dh and I split and he started a relationship with somebody else who assumed that our children were now somehow 'hers' I would think she was a basket case. I'm my dss's step-parent, his dad's wife, who looks after him (extremely well thank you very much) sometimes, not his mum (who is herself a bit of a basket case, but should be respected equivocally as HIS mum nonetheless). I can't begin to imagine the world of trouble and confusion forced upon those poor sc's who are snatched up by some new partner as 'their own'.

I might be able to explain it better if somebody could explain what a child would gain from having a self proclaimed 2nd mum over having a clear honest and respectful relationship with a step-parent.

[usuallyright]

that's the crux of the whole issue, the status and definition of a step parent, what it entails etc. A very tricky balancing act.
In the most successful step families I've encountered, it's usually one where the bio dad has buggered off and Mum's new partner steps forward and basically adopts role of Father and everything being a Dad entails.

[randomAXEofkindness]

sorry, *unequivocally.

I've just asked dss (he's 12) what he thinks about the idea of having a 2nd mum and he said "What, like in Coraline" [then spooky voice] "I'm your OTHER MOTHER!!"And then laughed his head off. I rest my case on that one

[usuallyright]

OP, I wish you all the positive vibes in the world and hope your situation improves. One thing I'm 100% certain of, is that all step parents feel some degree of this. And if they don't they're either a) superhuman or b) lying!

[ToffeeWhirl]

Good answer, random's son .

[randomAXEofkindness]

Nobody has said that they don't actually look after their dsc's mango! You seem to be judging people on their worst inner feelings. Who the hell are you, Mother fucking Theresa? Am I supposed to feel bad, is the op supposed to feel like a bad person, because we don't feel the same way about our sc's as we do about our dc's? Because I don't and neither should the op. Talk about kicking someone when they're down eh?

[LovesBeingOnHoliday]

Op have you called to make your appt yet?

[Pigsmummy]

I hope that things pick up for you, I think that telling your DP that you are/were actually leaving should give him a kick up the backside to improve your life.

[bishboschone]

It sounds like you were with your dh because he had a child and you wanted to be a mum. Now you have your ds you don't need her or him. This may be way off but it is either as calculated as that or you have pnd.. Your parents inlaw are probably over compensating for her dads marriage breaking up so worry about her more..

[caramelwaffle]

Hope you have called (or will call in the morning) your GP.

Do look after your health and make sure you get lots of sleep.