to leave because I'm a stepmum?

[Flower111]

I know I will probably get flamed for this, but I hate being a stepmum. Would I be unreasonable to end my relationship because of my stepdaughter's existence?

I have been with her dad for almost 4 years now and we have a child together. I feel like our child is the only reason I have stayed so long, just so that he doesn't come from a broken family as well.

But I want to get away from my stepdaughter and the rest of my partner's family. I can't stand her or my in laws. I've had enough of pretending that I like any of them and keeping a straight face.

[kitsilano]

Flower, please do get some help as your feelings and behaviour will be affecting your SD and she is the innocent in this situation.

My step mother was similarly resentful and dismissive of me throughout my entire childhood even though I never even actually lived with her and my dad.

She was quite explicit that she was not interested in me and didn't want to see me as I reminded her that she was a second wife.

Trying to get her to love me became a major issue in my life that I still haven't got over. It has shaped my personality in many ways.

I think she may have suffered from pnd as it all started when she had children. I can have some sympathy for that but I really wouldn't want a child to go through my experience.

[MikeOxard]

Please see your GP, I think you have PND. I had a similar thing of feeling differently towards my older dd when ds was born. I was prescribed Sertraline and it made me feel like me again. I didn't realise how much I hadn't been myself until the medication kicked in. xx

[PrimalLass]

Reading this has brought it all back. It is one of the reasons I didn't have a baby#3. There was a really brutally honest story from a woman in one of the papers around the same time, which let me see exactly what had happened to me. Before DD I had been obsessive about DS, and I am so happy to say that it went back to normal once the baby hormones were gone. I could win an Olympic gold for loving him now.

[monicalewinski]

Agree about PND. Please see GP as soon as poss - you're not alone; as MikeOxard said, it's only once the meds kick in that you remember what "normal" is. Good luck with everything xx

[JumpingJackSprat]

im glad this didnt turn into a witch hunt despite some posters best efforts. op the step patenting board really is fantastic with some very wise and lovely posters... next time id post there if i were you. i think you need to talk to your partner and tell him you just cant cope with looking after dsd so much - either he does it or her mum does it.

[JenaiMorris]

QOD I was thinking exactly the same - and I think I might have given that OP a pasting for not wanting to take over the after school care when she went on mat leave

flower I can't really offer any advice but I did get the impression that your OP wasn't worded in the way it might have been had you been thinking straight, right from the start. You poor love - see your GP, talk to your partner, get away from those in laws (((hug)))

[JenaiMorris]

Christ, kits - the trying to get a parent's 'new' partner to even like you hit a raw nerve with me :(

[kitsilano]

JenaiMorris,

I've spent 25 years doing it now and am still doing it....it's madness but the insecurity her behaviour created isn't something I was ever able to get over.

I have spent all these years feeling that if I can just be absolutely perfect and beyond reproach in any way she will let me be part of the family...

[QOD]

Yeah sounded very similar. I do feel for you, but it does sound like you're doing more than your fair share with a touch of PND thrown in too.

[StarvingBookworm]

Do go and see your GP. What about your HV, is s/he any good? When I was struggling with mild PND after my first baby I called my HV and she came round just for a chat to give support a couple of times until I felt I was ok, but she would've kept coming if I asked.

What about getting out and meeting other mums - do you have any friends you could talk to?

[FishfingersAreOK]

And Flower there is life after PND if that is what you are diagnosed with. Depression can make you such a different person as PP have said. I am just coming off (mild) anit-depressants as I am over my depression. I am "me" again IYSWIM. I was actually "lost" for want of another word - for quite some years. Get thinking I just had to get on with stuff. An unplanned chat with my GP (went about something else) just turned into everything spilling out. 5 months later and my only regret is not admitting and talking about it sooner.

You have made the first massive step in admitting to yourself it is not all "OK". Something is not right. Well done. Please do see your GP. Try not to be fobbed off with an appointment in 4 weeks time.

UnMNetty Hugs to you.

[mumofweeboys]

You could call your health visitor. If found mine so supportive and they can get you referrals to other services that might help.

[cosydressinggown]

I think my earlier post was insensitive and I apologise. I didn't realise that this could be a manifestation of PND and I shouldn't have commented. I don't think you should automatically leave if these feelings might just be a symptom of something else.

I do think that it needs to be dealt with quickly as of course the little girl is not at fault here and shouldn't be subjected to hostility or the 'point scoring' thing you describe - quite damaging for her potentially.

As a first step, could you ask your DP to put her back into after school club? It should not be put on you just because you are at home. She's their child and they need to sort out the childcare, not use you as unpaid childcare.

[MrsTedMosby]

OP, I'm a stepmum too and I remember the completely different and unconditional love I felt for my firstborn. I loved my stepkids, but this was something different, and yes, I did resent them interfering in my life with my wonderful new son for a while.

I do think seeing your GP is a good idea as it's gone on for so long. I also think you need to talk to your DP about how often you are looking after your stepdaughter.

I had the same thing. As soon as I gave up work I was the childcare during the holidays or after school if needed. No one asked me, it was just assumed! (And that included looking after them after only being home one week after 10 days in hospital after giving birth, and baby just out of SCBU)

I am glad to say that now they are grown up we are very close and their little brothers adore them!

[bottleofbeer]

I had PND after my second son was born. I look back at myself then, I was 19, struggling with two small children and could cry because I was practically a child myself with huge responsibility and an actual, diagnosable illness.

My eldest was so easy but one day he was playing in the garden and had a toileting accident. I lost my rag and really shouted at him. To this day I remember the look on his little face and my heart breaks. I still hate myself for it; he doesn't remember it but I do.

That's where you are. Please see the doc and get help. It really doesn't have to be this way.

[Thumbwitch]

I think you have been grossly imposed upon as well, actually. It's hard enough having to learn to be a mum to a new baby when it's the only child in the house - but having to take on extra hours with an older child as well would have only added to the difficulties.

I have DSs aged nearly 6 and nearly 1. DS1 started school when DS2 was 4mo and the sheer fag of having to haul myself out of the house twice a day to get DS1 to and from school was quite hard going at times, especially after a bad night! I have found myself being quite short with DS1, even though it isn't remotely his fault, but just because - so I have a lot of sympathy with your situation without having to include the fact that she is your DSD.

I'm pretty sure your GP will diagnose you with depression, if not PND then just depression and once you get some ADs you will probably start to feel a good bit better.

If your grandma is at all sympathetic then I would talk to her as well.
Your partner sounds like a bit of an arse, quite frankly - who the fuck does he think he is to pontificate on PND when it's something he's never going to experience himself?

Come back when you've been to the GP - I think it will make a great deal of difference to you.

In the meantime, have a (((hug))).

[ukatlast]

Your son is only 1 - you may well have post-natal depression and that is colouring everything negatively. Go and see your GP OP.

[ToffeeWhirl]

Flower really sorry you are going through this. I had PND and it was the Health Visitor who helped me through it. She visited me once a week and booked me onto a parenting course so I could meet other people. So, I second what mumofwee said: call your health visitor (but visit the GP also).

[McNewPants2013]

I think it is you who has a problem, which I think only you can control with help.

I do think you love and care your your SD but you are overwhelmed.

Please seek help.

[Xollob]

Skim read. Another one thinking PND

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

[ToffeeWhirl]

Just reread your first posts, op and I don't agree with Mango about the in-laws being in the right. It sounds to me like they have been far too interfering. From what you say, you loved your stepdaughter at first, so there was no need for your in-laws to tell you you had to be a 'second mother' to her and to get her to call you 'mummy'. As a stepdaughter myself, I think they got that completely wrong. You are not a second mother to her and she should never have to call you 'mummy'. It puts both you and her in a difficult position. You already had a good, caring relationship initially and it was what it was - it didn't need to defined according to your in-law's narrow views.

I can't imagine that her real mother is very happy about her calling you 'mummy' anyway.

And why did your MIL push your partner to take your stepdaughter out of after-school club? She sounds very interfering. You had an arrangement that suited you all and she messed it up. It was none of her business.

Sounds to me like none of this is about your stepdaughter at all. I'm sure your warm feelings towards her will return in time. In the meantime, you need to get help and do all you can not to take out your feelings on her. As you said, She is a lovely girl despite everything. She loves her little brother and is an absolute gem with him.

[caramelwaffle]

Hi again flower

I hope you are ok.

I agree with Toffee. Your in laws are not in the right. They are emotional blackmailers. They are the most awful type of (grand)parents who set up Golden child V Scapegoat child scenarios in their families.

This type of sociopathic thinking can also be found in people who think children with with a NRP (that is usually the father) should be Goldenchild, or Disney parented, and all other children in the family should have their needs and wants neglected or subsumed for the other.

Do look after yourself (and any other woman who finds herself with a newborn in this position - step/bio or foster/adopted)