to leave because I'm a stepmum?

[Flower111]

I know I will probably get flamed for this, but I hate being a stepmum. Would I be unreasonable to end my relationship because of my stepdaughter's existence?

I have been with her dad for almost 4 years now and we have a child together. I feel like our child is the only reason I have stayed so long, just so that he doesn't come from a broken family as well.

But I want to get away from my stepdaughter and the rest of my partner's family. I can't stand her or my in laws. I've had enough of pretending that I like any of them and keeping a straight face.

[LaurieFairyCake]

If you've completely withdrawn then you might have pnd

please get checked out and get some support

[ThisWayForCrazy]

Now I am aware if the full situation I stand by my first comment.

IMO anyone that gets involved with a person who already has children should not do so unless they are going to be committed to all of the children.

My ex got with a person who hated my son. It caused him no end of problems and pulled him to pieces. Wrecked his self esteem, his relationship with his Dad and eventually he became suicidal.

So, I stand by what I said.

[Ezio]

I think your resenting the wrong person, shes a child, shes done nothing to deserve the resentment, its your PIL that you have the ire with, you need to talk to your DH about this, but its not DSD fault is it.

Is she a nice child to be around, do you otherwise get on?

[caramelwaffle]

The first year with a new baby is hard. A shock and very hard, even under the best of circumstances.

[Loa]

I am completely withdrawn from everyone.

Well PND can be picked up or even trigger as much as two years after a birth. Also other things like thyroid issues triggered by pg can leave your tied and feel less able to cope. You should check with HV or GP and talk to your DH about how you are feeling.

At 1 your DS is probably not on the move. 6 months down the line you may find having an older DC for your DS to engage with is a god send - depends on the 9 year old of course. Plus at 1 they are still a great deal of work still. So things may well improve in near future.

You should still talk to your DH about current arrangements and carefully tell him about you feeling resentment and perhaps suggest ways he could help you with that.

[edam]

I think you should see your GP because it does sound possible that you have depression. Feel for you - things are obviously miserable. Please go and get some help. Then, when you are thinking clearly, you'll be able to make decisions about your future.

[cosydressinggown]

Yes, you should go.

The little girl has not done anything wrong and does not deserve to spend half her life with someone who feels hostile towards her.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

It sounds very much like you don't actually dislike your step daughter as such just that you (on here not in RL obviously I don't know anything about your RL) are transferring the emotions your feeling about being pressured into being her mother half the time whilst your getting to grips with being a new mum to your own baby yourself.

Its quite wrong for anybody to put that pressure on you and its also quite wrong for your dh to be expecting you to pick up her care when he should be doing it.

So yanbu if you can't stop it happening whilst you are there then I would consider leaving.

Your not this child's mother she has her own mum and dad who should be taking responsibility for her.

[KoalaFace]

If your feeling have dramatically changed since having your DS and you feel withdrawn please talk to your GP about the possibility of PND.

For such a big change in how you feel in such a powerfully negative way I suspect PND.

[caramelwaffle]

There are different problems here that need separating.

To start, I think you should put yourself first

You need to be healthy to look after and nurture you baby. Visit your GP. Get yourself checked over and any health problems addressed.

Start minimising contact with the in laws. They sound slightly toxic and you can better deal with them at a later date.

Talk with your husband: let him know that your health is suffering and you to take time out to get better/get your equilibrium back. With that in mind, he and his ex will have to reorganise childcare between themselves (they will have yo do this anyway if you leave)

There is a young child here who needs you. You need to be well for them.

[Flower111]

I've been considering going to my GP to be honest. I need help. When my son was born something just changed in my head.

I'll always recall when my family brought some presents for the baby, and my stepdaughter wanted to open them, and it annoyed me. Why?

And ever since then I feel like my in laws hae just completely disregarded their new grandchild. It's made me protective of him, and resentful of my stepdaughter. They never ring to ask how he is, or come to see him. It's like they don't care. And now I obsess over how I can score cheap points to get at my stepdaughter. Like, "I might take (son) to the park today and let him play on the swings while you're at school." But I never end up doing it as I don't want to go out most of the time.

All that aside, being forced to do things, or call myself things that I wasn't up to, added to this resentment, and I just want to hide away or run away.

[caramelwaffle]

You really need to minimise contact with these in laws. They sound awful. You should let your husband know why (not easy)

[whois]

Oh OP you shouldn't have posted in AIBU. Posters here seem to absolutely hate stepmums and have a very black and white view on what is a difficult and complicated situation.

Sounds like its the situation that needs to change, I don't think you actually hate your SD but resent having to spend so much time looking after her. Try and address this first.

Quite tricky looking after your first baby with all the hormones raging and taking on more responsibility and having to be a 'ready made' mum to a nine year old.

Please talk to your Gp about being withdrawn and down too.

Good luck, I hope things improve.

[Fenton]

Why is there a 50/50 arrangement in place when her father isn't there for most of 'his' 50%?

That's wrong for a start, the child's mother and father 'share' her, not the mother and stepmother.

[Ezio]

And now I obsess over how I can score cheap points to get at my stepdaughter. Like, "I might take (son) to the park today and let him play on the swings while you're at school."

See the GP urgently, because trying to score points against a 9 yr old is not normal.

Speak to your DH about this because he may pick up on it himself, and it might cause bigger problems.

[Flower111]

She is a lovely girl despite everything. She loves her little brother and is an absolute gem with him.

That's when I start to feel bad. At the beginning I used to love having her here, and now after having a baby (which is neither of the children's fault) I feel so differently towards her (or rather the situation)

[QueenofallIsee]

Flower, you are not yourself. Don't make any big decisions now, get yourself to the GPs. Its OK to be annoyed (9yr old girls are annoying) but this is a bit different

[Ezio]

Have you considered asking your DH to lessen the time your SD is at your house? Like just weekends when hes there.

[Loa]

This isn't about being a step mum - though that a hard job at the best of times - there are people who feel like this about their older DC after they have had a baby they 'go off them ' and resentment them- it's one manifestation of pnd.

I'd suggest following caramelwaffle advice and instead of thinking about seeing the GP make an appointment as soon as possible.

[Loa]

by their I meant biological not implying anything about step relationship and belonging.

[Ezio]

Ok, its not your SD thats the issue, its the withdrawing probably an attempt at withdrawing from PIL, i think that the PIL have made this issue, because they ignore DS, so need the GP first, then DH.

This is not a rational you talking, its a fed up, depressed, woman trying to do her best.

[KoalaFace]

You think she's a lovely girl, you know she's good with your DS. You loved having her around before hand. The sudden change is a red flag for me. Get to the GP as soon as possible.

Tell your DH you are in desperate need of support.

Make yourself heard. I think if you get the support you need this situation will feel better.

[NynaevesSister]

What everyone else has said. You have PND. You're not thinking rationally. Please go get some help before you make yourself really stressed out. I think you do love your SD and you will always regret it if you don't get some help right now.

[Yonihadtoask]

There is so much going on here, I am not surprised you are feeling in a state OP.

Firstly you state that things changed since having your baby. Well, that could be PND, or just general tiredness and the reality that being a parent of a tiny human entails.

PIL need to butt out.

Why 50/50 shared care? If DSD father is out at work, then that means that you are having the custody.


Does DH know you are struggling with the current arrangement? Or do you keep it all in?

I am a stepmother too, and admit to finding it very difficult at times. Not so much now that they are getting older.

I would ask for this post to be moved to Step Parenting. AIBU is a bit like sticking your head in to the lions' den.

[Flower111]

I am going to go and see my GP. I just thought, I can't possibly speak about this to anyone face to face. Maybe they won't understand. But now I've been on here I feel more courage to talk to someone I trust like my GP.