to leave because I'm a stepmum?

[Flower111]

I know I will probably get flamed for this, but I hate being a stepmum. Would I be unreasonable to end my relationship because of my stepdaughter's existence?

I have been with her dad for almost 4 years now and we have a child together. I feel like our child is the only reason I have stayed so long, just so that he doesn't come from a broken family as well.

But I want to get away from my stepdaughter and the rest of my partner's family. I can't stand her or my in laws. I've had enough of pretending that I like any of them and keeping a straight face.

[Loa]

I think the IL have over stepped with interfering with childcare arrangements they had no part in.

Could be the 9 year old may have preferred to stop in the childcare and no one seems to have consulted the OP about expecting her to do more work at a time of great change and vulnerability to her.

I also don't think you need to have a label like mum to be an important person in the Step-DC life.

I also think there is a difference in wanting a good relationship with step DC and being expected an in this case apparently without much consultation to do childcare for free as it suits the DC parents.


Flower111 good luck with GP - PND is fairly common so they should be very used to it If you can't get an appointment soon HV could be another route - a drop into a baby clinic and ask to see a HV.

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

I don't think its the SD that's the issue, get the the GP and get your obvious PND sorted out then take a good look at things when you get 'yourself' back in gear. if the feelings are still the same then is the time to re evaluate. good luck op and don't be too hard on yourself, lots of us have been there in one form or another.

[ToffeeWhirl]

Flower did want her young stepdaughter, Mango. She said: Met my partner when I was 21 and it was fine at the beginning. I would have done anything for my stepdaughter and we got on so well. Relationship was brilliant. The contrast between then and now suggests that it is the birth of her son and the stress she has suffered since then (not helped by interfering PILs) that has led to her present state of mind. I think she is projecting all her feelings onto her stepdaughter, which is obviously not on, but she knows this and, hopefully, is going to get help.

I agree that she should care for her stepdaughter when she visits, but I'm not so sure she needs to be a second mother. I never regarded my stepmother as a second mother, although I spent much of the school holidays with her. I didn't need or want a second mother either because I already had a much-loved mother myself and nobody else could claim that role or name.

I think your own background with an uncaring stepmother is colouring your response. I sympathise because my own relationship with my stepmother has not been easy and she has sometimes made me very unhappy.

I don't think stepmothers and stepchildren should be expected to love each other and treat each other like mothers and children. It's a different relationship and should be based on mutual respect. If love grows out of that, that's great, but that can't be forced. Flower's first task is to recognise that her needs are not being met and she is projecting all her resentment onto her stepdaughter.

[MrsTedMosby]

I was 17 when I started going out with my DH, I was 14 and 16 when his children were born. I'm not a second mum to them, they have a perfectly good mum already.

It sounds like Flower does love her SD, but she is overwhelmed by how much responsibility has been put on her since she had her own DS. No matter how good a 9 yo is they still need looking after and to have that dumped on you when you've just given birth is not on. You need time to adjust to being a new mum, you need to find your way. I'm not saying that her SD should be pushed out but the OP should have been consulted before being used as free childcare.

Flower, I hope your GP helps you, and I hope your partner realises that you need support.

[Turniptwirl]

You are not a bad person.

I agree that you sound depressed and bullied by pil

DSD should go back to after school club. She goes when at her mums so this doesn't mean you and her dad don't live her.

Pil should butt the fuck out! What DSD calls you is nine if their damn business! Nor is your relationship with her.

You don't hate DSD, you hate the situation you've been forced into and depression is twisting perfectly normal feelings up and making them worse.

[ToffeeWhirl]

Loa makes a good point about the baby clinic, Flower. (It's all a bit too far back in the misty past for me to remember). There is usually a baby clinic every week and you could have a word with the HV then. My HV did a PND questionnaire with me and, when I scored high, she started to come and see me every week. It was a lifeline. She was so supportive and kind.

Actually, the first advice she gave me I will now pass on to you: do something nice for yourself every day. It doesn't need to be a big thing. My first nice thing was to buy myself an ice cream and eat it on a park bench with my DS1 in the buggy beside me. I hadn't done anything for myself for so long that it was a real treat.

[Charlottehere]

Really feel for you op.

[randomAXEofkindness]

It's completely unreasonable for you to be expected to take care of somebody elses child for half of the week. Of course you feel frustrated. You have a baby of your own and want to spend all of you time and energy looking after them (or taking a well earned break) - not thanklessly babysitting for someone else. It's absurd. Don't let anyone guilt trip you about it. Your feeling are completely normal. Your DSD has the right to be treated well when you look after her, and YOU have the right to refuse to look after her.

I went through exactly the same scenario, brilliant relationship with dss, then dd1 came along, felt really resentful of dss 'existence' - just the fact that I had to look after him while I was struggling to look after my own - then ds2, then ds3... I wasn't ever unkind to him, but I made sure after a while that his dad knew exactly how I felt, and that he would have to look after him himself at least until I got my footing. Why would dh's and his ex's convenience be more important than my autonomy over my own energy and time? Could you tell your dh that if he wants to see his dc he will have to collect her after work and look after her himself? Completely reasonable to me.

It's been 4.5 yrs now and I've just gotten to the point where I feel like taking care of dss isn't detrimental to me taking care of my own dc's and our relationship is really strong. He prefers being with me best . Like I said though, no matter how resentful I was, I was still kind to him - just made his dad do all the work.

[ToffeeWhirl]

Yes, I feel bad for the stepdaughter too, Mango, but I think the way to help her is for Flower to get support. Also, Flower's DH should be doing a lot more with his DD by the sound of it.

[randomAXEofkindness]

Just read that 2nd mum statement, what a load of rubbish.

[Loa]

DSD is in danger of coming off the worse out of all of this and I feel really bad for her.

The OP is aware that her feeling aren't 'normal' towards her DSD and seems prepared to do something about that.

Other than treat the DSD well when she is with her, and despite the OP feeling she hasn't said she isn't and she hasn't written anyone else has complained about her treatment of DSD - so I don't think anyone can ask more of her at the moment.

[Loa]

I do think they could ask more of the Step-DC parents till OP is feeling better.

[pigletmania]

Your dp should be stepping up and taking responsibility for his child too, not expecting you to be free childcare, which is what he has done. Removing step dd from her clubs so,tat you have even more work. No wonder your down and resentful, and that with possible PND. Anyone would crumble

[pigletmania]

Add toxic in laws to the equation, my goodness

[randomAXEofkindness]

This:
"I don't think stepmothers and stepchildren should be expected to love each other and treat each other like mothers and children. It's a different relationship and should be based on mutual respect. If love grows out of that, that's great, but that can't be forced."

[LJL69]

I cannot add anything more than has been said. Yesterday on radio 5live the your call programme was a phone in re step parenting. Have a listen on iplayer as it can be reassuring to hear others having similar issues/feelings? I struggled as a step parent particularly after DD was born. Some resentment etc. I know this is very trivial advice in comparison to others however I know I felt a little better when others told me of their issues as I felt less alone. What you have said about MIL makes me uncomfortable. Getting DSD to call you mummy? That isnt helpful to anyone inc. DSD and her mother.
We are many years forward now and I am a happy step mother so please feel free to PM if I can be of any assistance xxx

[LJL69]

God my last sentence sounds so bloody cold/arrogant! That was not the intention. I just meant that I have felt some of what you are feeling (although without the toxic inlaws) and if you need somewhere to let off steam etc you can happily message me xx

[iwantanafternoonnap]

You could be me!! Although I never really spent anytime with exSD as she lived far away but after my DS was born I resented her, resented my money being spent on her that I wanted to spend on my DS, my ex's family drove me nuts, I couldn't breastfeed my DS although wanted to, wanting to shut myself away and just generally being annoyed by anything she did.

I went to GP for PTSD after having my DS and I was also diagnosed with PND. When I finally started anti depressants after my ex left I found things much easier and also despite me having no contact with ex SD my feelings also changed.

However, I am glad that ex left now and I don't have to deal with any of it anymore. I would go to see your GP and get some counselling etc and you may feel much better in a few months time.

[randomAXEofkindness]

It makes complete sense that a mother would want to channel her resources towards her own children. Iwant didn't say that she would have left her dsc without, just that she resented having to give away money that she wanted to spend on her dc's. You have no idea what her circumstances were Mango - maybe the dsc already wanted for nothing, but Iwant's dc was freezing with no winter coat. Would she be a bad person in thinking that the money should be used for the coat instead of being given arbitrarily to dsc?

And a step child IS 'somebody else's child'!

[iwantanafternoonnap]

My child did go without and I certainly went without so that things could be bought when exSD came, I paid for flights and hotels for my ex to go and see her while I went without/rarely went out/struggled to make ends meet due to not having enough money. That can make you pretty resentful!

Plus just because you have these feelings doesn't mean you act them out. I had them but my ex SD wouldn't have known. Admitting to feelings of resentment doesn't make you a selfish person as we can't control our feelings especially when suffering from PND.

Your post mango lacks compassion and empathy for those struggling.

[usuallyright]

I don't understand the references to 'someone else's child'
Looking after 'someone else's child' half the week, etc. surely if you're in a long term relationship/marriage, the stepchild is your child too?