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AIBU?

to leave because I'm a stepmum?

194 replies

Flower111 · 20/09/2013 14:10

I know I will probably get flamed for this, but I hate being a stepmum. Would I be unreasonable to end my relationship because of my stepdaughter's existence?

I have been with her dad for almost 4 years now and we have a child together. I feel like our child is the only reason I have stayed so long, just so that he doesn't come from a broken family as well.

But I want to get away from my stepdaughter and the rest of my partner's family. I can't stand her or my in laws. I've had enough of pretending that I like any of them and keeping a straight face.

OP posts:

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HebeJeeby · 20/09/2013 15:05

Flower please do go and see your GP if only to get your head in a better place. I am a step mum and the first few years were hard. The Ex-wife messed us around a lot (I hasten to add DH was already separated and divorced when I came along) and I used to really resent DH having other demands on his time and attention. I just wanted to have a normal courtship, go out to restaurants, pubs, with friends on a Saturday night, not stay in and watch Disney with the SC. However,......... 11 years down the line life is great, and I have a fabulous relationship with both my SC and consider them to be my own. My SD who is now grown up and lives near us, comes and babysits for us and loves spending time with her little sister.

It is difficult but it can get better. I do understand where you are coming from with ILs though. Don't give up before you've tried all avenues and spoken to your DP. That said, if you really can't do it then you must do what is right for you.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 20/09/2013 15:06

I had pnd and an underactive thyroid after having DS2 (now 5). I was irrational, incredibly irritable, poisonously nasty, had no energy and had awful headaches. I thought obsessively about leaving DH for various mad reasons that made no sense - but somehow did to me at the time.

Please do see your GP and get checked / assessed for the above and anything else your GP can think of. I am a stepmum and know how hard it can be. I also intensely dislike people who interfere and show blatant favouritism. Notwithstanding those things, your comments about scoring points over a 9yo and not wanting to go out suggest that you should get yourself checked out.

OneStepCloser · 20/09/2013 15:07

I think sometimes it's a good idea to call time on a relationship when it doesn't work with SC, but, in your case it sounds as though it could be sorted. You need to tell your dp exactly how your feeling and he needs to lay down strong ground laws down with his parents. Your DS should be as important as your dsd.

Maybe a pop to the drs would be a good idea as well. But, your dp needs to take on more parenting to his dd and not leave it to you.

BrianTheMole · 20/09/2013 15:08

Oh op, do see the GP, don't make any rash decisions before then.

allmycats · 20/09/2013 15:08

try and get yourself tot he GP asap - all these changes in your feelings started after you had your son. you also say that your stepdaughter is a lovely girl and that she adores her half brother - this shows that you don't really hare her, you are just in a bad place at this moment in time and need help from a variety of sources, your GP, your DH and what about your own family.
DO NOT let your in-laws infringe on your life together as a family unit and get your DH to spends some more time will all of you together.

I do hope that things start picking up and that you can get the help you need.

FatPenguin · 20/09/2013 15:10

Good luck speaking to your GP Flower, I think that is a wise thing to do.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 20/09/2013 15:11

V glad you are going to your GP - they will be able to help

Queenofknickers · 20/09/2013 15:12

Flower, 8 years ago I could have written your posts word for word. I had PND and with medication and psychotherapy I got better. Please see your GP as soon as possible for some help. It can and will get better

PrimalLass · 20/09/2013 15:22

My step daughter is 9. My son is nearly 1. I definitely think my feelings changed after my son was born. I am completely withdrawn from everyone.

I haven't read any posts after this one, but just wanted to say that I felt like this after my second child. I think you should see your GP or HV about it because it sounds like PND. I withdrew from my DS emotionally, even though he was only 3

It got back to normal however. As an aside, are you BF-ing?

Flower111 · 20/09/2013 15:22

Thank you to everyone that has been so supportive. I briefly spoke to my grandma back in April about my feelings. I told her that I was feeling really down but didn't go in to very much detail. I could tell she wanted me to open up to her, but I just told her that I was fine. Apparently she could see it in my eyes that I was completely drawn out and sad.

OP posts:

Flower111 · 20/09/2013 15:25

Primal no I'm not breast feeding. I tried but I failed miserably at it. I was really sore and both me and my son were getting really stressed. So I have been giving him bottles ever since.

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WilsonFrickett · 20/09/2013 15:27

Sweetheart, I suspect you have PND. And I suspect that the feelings you have are so scary that you are turning them outwards towards your SD, because in your head your scared that your thoughts are about your own DC or DH. You are - in the kindest possible way - just not thinking straight.

But you CAN feel better about this and you can get through it without throwing your family up in the air. Please, please, go and see your GP.

Viviennemary · 20/09/2013 15:31

am amazed at the OP being attacked. People don't know the background. But it is a great effort and stressful to be nice to people you can't stand and who are often not that nice to you. I think the hotel idea is a mad one. Things could improve when your SD matures or they might not. If things are really unbearable you should consider leaving.

geekgal · 20/09/2013 15:39

Definitely agree with everyone else, you need to go to your GP, you have depression. I never had PND but I've had severe situational depression before, it's not your fault and you can get help. If after that you still feel that you need to leave then of course go, but it sounds like you're not yourself just now so it's probably best not to make any big decisions.

Am genuinely welling up for you, depression is so hard anyway and to feel on your own as well is just awful! It's not your sd or dp fault but it's not yours either - maybe speak to your gran and get her to go with you to the doctor?

PrimalLass · 20/09/2013 15:41

Primal no I'm not breast feeding. I tried but I failed miserably at it. I was really sore and both me and my son were getting really stressed. So I have been giving him bottles ever since.

Ah, I always wondered if I felt better once I had stopped because of the hormones. I think you will feel better once the baby hormones have eased. That has been 18 months for me, both times. See your GP.

WiddleAndPuke · 20/09/2013 15:43

Do you think maybe you felt like you loved her as much as if she was "yours" and then when DS arrived you realised that its different, and that rather than "going off" her you've just realised that there are different types of love to feel for children?

Beastofburden · 20/09/2013 15:57

OP, you are very young (I make you 24 or 25?) and I am not surprised that parenting your own DC and another older child is overwhelming. How many other 24 year olds have charge of a 9 year old?

You should be kind to yourself. You have not "failed miserably" at breastfeeding. I couldnt do it with DS1 either; I was fine with the next two, and he is fine as well (and almost 22 so not much younger than you are).

I think you have the makings of a lovely little family there and you are just not very well right now. Don't be ashamed of illness, you dont choose to be ill. Go and see your GP and get some help.

Good luck.

34DD · 20/09/2013 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flower111 · 20/09/2013 16:00

Do you think maybe you felt like you loved her as much as if she was "yours" and then when DS arrived you realised that its different, and that rather than "going off" her you've just realised that there are different types of love to feel for children?

I think that is a really good point. I can definitely distinguish between the two. But I do think my feelings have clouded that love for my stepdaughter if you get me. I just need help, it's got worse over the course of a year and this is what brought me to ask today should I leave as I can't bear it anymore. But first I will seek help from my GP.

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VodkaJelly · 20/09/2013 16:03

Flower I wish you luck I really do. It is hard to face up to something like this and you are taking those first fragile steps.

kali110 · 20/09/2013 16:05

Flower def go see your gp. I remember being seriously depressed years back. I was not thinking straight, my mind was a mess and then i felt worse over my deelings and thoughts. It did take months but it did get better. Wish you all the best x

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2013 16:06

Good for you Flower. Get down to the GP and get this sorted. You will be fine.

Your posts at the beginning almost seemed like you wanted people to have a go at you, like you wanted everyone to tell you that you are horrible. You need to be kind to yourself. Look after yourself.

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KoalaFace · 20/09/2013 16:08

Good luck Flower

I hope things start looking up for you very soon. I think with some support things will get better.

Flower111 · 20/09/2013 16:09

My partner has spoken about his feelings on PND in the past when he's heard stories about it, and he doesn't seem to understand or show any sympathy, so I'm a little bit reluctant to talk to him about that.

I was working before I had my son and so I didn't really do a lot of looking after step daughter and she was in an after school club before and after school, then my partner picked her up on his nights. She still goes on her mum's nights, but my partner, who was pushed by his mum, took her out of after school club as I could look after her. Then every other weekend if he's at work I look after her. I have not retuned to work, and that is a decision that I sometimes look back on and wonder if I made the right decision. :(

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MatryoshkaDoll · 20/09/2013 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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