to leave because I'm a stepmum?

[Flower111]

I know I will probably get flamed for this, but I hate being a stepmum. Would I be unreasonable to end my relationship because of my stepdaughter's existence?

I have been with her dad for almost 4 years now and we have a child together. I feel like our child is the only reason I have stayed so long, just so that he doesn't come from a broken family as well.

But I want to get away from my stepdaughter and the rest of my partner's family. I can't stand her or my in laws. I've had enough of pretending that I like any of them and keeping a straight face.

[sisterofmercy]

Your partner needs to step up and do some fathering instead of leaving it to you. I'm glad you are going to the GP. You might find it easier to talk to your partner if you have the backup of the GP.

[Cuddlydragon]

Oh OP, everything you say makes me think that you really should speak to your GP. It does sound a lot like PND. Good luck.

[diddl]

It sounds as if everyone is trying desperately to not let the little girl feel pushed out by the baby, but in so doing are not considering OP & the baby!

I hope you manage to have a talk with your GP & partner & get something sorted out.

[Flower111]

Again thank you everyone for your kind support. After I've seen the GP, what usually happens after that? If anyone knows or if anyone has been to the GP about possible PND before?

[Dobbiesmum]

Had to go out, so glad it didn't turn into a witchhunt. Good luck with everything Flower

[JessePinkmansBitch]

OP I've been where you are before. After my dd1 was born I suddenly felt differently towards my DSD who was only 10 at the time. It was made worse by my mother being terribly jealous of my DSD and constantly nagging me about her, that made me very resentful towards her. I felt so guilty, and started hating myself because of the way I felt and I'll admit I did start to treat her differently. I almost left DH too.

I was the same towards dd1 when dd2 was born, that time I finally did get help for my PND and we finally worked through it all.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, although it takes time to get there. It get's a lot easier as they get older. If you can manage to talk to your DP and get him to support you it will be a lot easier on you. And I agree with whoever said minimise contact with your inlaws as much as possible.

My DSD is 21 now (tomorrow actually ) and we have a great relationship now.

[StuntGirl]

Oh sweetheart, you sound so sad and worn down :( Another one who thinks it sounds very much like PND, which weirdly is good news because it means you can do something about it and wrestle back control!

I would also mention to the doctor that your husband is somewhat unsupportive, your in laws are bullies, give them the full picture.

Once you've been to the doctor I would tell your husband that you are not well, you need his help and support, and he might not always see or understand why, but you need him to trust you and support you right now. It might mean stepping up more, it might mean taking on a bit more for a short while, but it's that or you don't get better!

I would also limit contact with the in laws, they sound utterly toxic.

Could you talk to your husband about how you feel overwhelmed by the changes, and as part of supporting you while you get better could it go back to how it was for a little while, with the step daughter doing after school clubs and him doing pick ups? To balance it I would make sure I put a day/afternoon aside (not sure how much time you get with her altogether, so choose accordingly) for special you and her time so she doesn't feel pushed out.

Things can get better for you, they really can.

[drivingmisslazy]

Flower, I have really bad PND so bad I thought there was no way coming back. I went to the doctors who put me on citalopram and then a few weeks later the fog lifted and I slowly got back to being me. I struggled on for 8 months thinking/hoping it would get better. It didn't until I had seen the gp.

[pigletmania]

Really op you need to get help, go to te GP, see the HV. Do you love and want to, be with your dp? If you don't, I would leave, if you want to be with your partner, I would get that help, and distance yourself from in laws, and looking at building a relationship with your ds sister. Go to the park together, ad DVD nights etc. go out just you and her, whilst your dp has ds. If you want to be with your partner, you are going to have to make it work! This is not her fault or her problem. You have to get it together.

[pigletmania]

And here and and a big hug

[KateSMumsnet]

Hi Flower111 - do let us know if you'd like this moved somewhere else.

[Fenton]

Flower they may well prescribe you will anti-D's and help you find one which suits you. You might also be offered an appointment for counselling but if you don't feel up to that then consider a support meeting perhaps. There should be a meeting in your area run once a week and can put you in touch with someone at the end of the phone in case you are having a wobble and need to talk.

Good luck, I know it isn't easy but you sound like a brave one so I'm sure you'll be fine.

[edam]

I'm not surprised you have come to resent her if you are being forced to look after her. Your dh has no right to pull her out of after-school and dump her on you! He can look after his child himself if he disapproves of after-school, he has no right to force it on to you. Would be entirely different if it was your choice.

[QOD]

I think I remember an old post of yours. When you went on mat leave you had to take over all the pickups and that. So it's been an issue pre the birth of your son? Was that you op?

[Pillowplumper]

Sorry you are having a tough time. I think the GP is a good start, however I think it is really important that you stop looking after her and she goes back to after school club.

I know it is not the same, but I have had periods of time when I have had my younger sister live with me, it really negatively affected our relationship and I was very resentful that I had to be responsible for her. luckily my mum recognised this and changed things. Now we get on great.

I think you need to slowly try and rebuild your relationship with your stepdaughter and not having to look after her may help that. Then you can concentrate on having good times with her and not feeling resentful.

[ElenorRigby]

I'm a Stepmum, I would advise you post in Step Parenting also

[ModeratelyObvious]

OP

What percentage of the time DSD is with you is your DP there as well, roughly?

[kinkyfuckery]

Oh Flower

I think seeing the GP, or your health visitor, is definitely the right way to go. PND is very common and sounds like a good description for how you are feeling. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing that can't be 'fixed'.

I really hope your relationship with your SD improves. Please keep us updated x

[aintnothinbutagstring]

You've been railroaded into taking a lot of responsibility without being asked, on top of having a young baby, that is not fair. You do need to see your GP, that is a good first step, but you also need to relay your feelings to your DH especially re your IL's and taking on extra childcare of your SD. Its too much right now for you, you need a bit of breathing space and downtime.

And once you're feeling a bit better, theres nothing to stop you looking for work again if you feel you need that work/home balance, it might be better for your mental health. And it'll stop your dh/ils seeing you as free childcare. I'm sure you care very much for your SD, but primarily she is the responsibility of her own parents.

[Flower111]

I think I remember an old post of yours. When you went on mat leave you had to take over all the pickups and that. So it's been an issue pre the birth of your son? Was that you op?

No QOD this is my first post on the site. Was there somebody else in the same position as me?

[Flower111]

What percentage of the time DSD is with you is your DP there as well, roughly?

Well I pick her up from school on the 2 nights that she is here after school and then my partner arrives home around 6ish. He normally works Mon-Fri but sometimes does work at the weekend as well. If this happens on his weekend then I will be picking her up on Friday from school and could be looking after her from that afternoon, then however many hours he does over the weekend.

As it has just been the school holidays recently, she spent a whole week with ILs and then spent alternate woke weeks here and at her mum's. And yep, you guessed it, I was looking after her most of the time. My partner did book a couple of days holiday, but the majority of time I was looking after her. It was hard and I felt worse than ever.

So %wise, I'd say in between 60-70% of the time she is here.

[PrincessGrotbags]

Op. I have been where you are. I was 18 when me and my oh got together, he was divorced with 2 dc 5 and 3. I fell pregnant at 20 and my son was born when I was 21. The dsc were with me full time from 3 months pregnant as their mother had issues. My oh (can't call him dp) worked away all week and I was on my own in a very rural area and unable to drive, with all 3 children. It wasn't their fault but I felt so so alone. I didn't see another adult from oh leaving on a Sunday until he got back on a Friday night. Pil were taking food parcels to exw but did nothing for me. They took dsc on holiday etc but we're never interested in my children and still aren't. They told me they had done this already and weren't prepared to do it for oh's second family! They babysat for his ex even though she only had kids one night a fortnight! I stayed because I felt they had no one else and because I too was depressed and unable to see the damage it was doing to me. Or I felt I wasn't important enough. My own son had to share my bedroom as dsc had the other bedrooms. I was the one that took care of all their emotional and physical needs and it wasn't the slightest bit appreciated by the ils. My sc are now in their 20's and I rarely see them. Their father doesn't bother with them much which makes me feel betrayed as I gave up so much for them and for him. I wish I had left I really do. Please don't let your story be like mine. Go and see your GP. Get yourself well and decide how you would like life to be for you all. If it's possible to build a happily family unit for you all then it can be really great but if it's going to make you all miserable in the long run it really isn't worth staying.

[Flower111]

Princess That sounds really awful. I'm sorry you had to go through all that :(

[ModeratelyObvious]

OP, you are looking after a child that is not yours for a large proportion of your time and your ILs (and probably DP) are not "letting" you be uneasy with that.

When I had DS2, DS1 still went to day care, DH still took his day off and did things with DS1. I had PND and even that set up was awful, exhausting etc. it sounds like you have PND but way less support than me and lots of people wanting you to fake it for your DSD - no wonder your feelings are coming out "at" her.

Does your DP have to work those weekends to make ends meet/as part of his shifts? Can he move things around, even for a month or two?

[Flower111]

So %wise, I'd say in between 60-70% of the time she is here.

I've just re-read the question above, sorry. The 60-70% is the amount of time I'd say I'm looking after my stepdaughter on my own. 30-40% of the time I would say my partner is there as well.