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AIBU?

to leave because I'm a stepmum?

194 replies

Flower111 · 20/09/2013 14:10

I know I will probably get flamed for this, but I hate being a stepmum. Would I be unreasonable to end my relationship because of my stepdaughter's existence?

I have been with her dad for almost 4 years now and we have a child together. I feel like our child is the only reason I have stayed so long, just so that he doesn't come from a broken family as well.

But I want to get away from my stepdaughter and the rest of my partner's family. I can't stand her or my in laws. I've had enough of pretending that I like any of them and keeping a straight face.

OP posts:

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Loa · 20/09/2013 14:24

Depends why - is her behavior bad and being so from encouraged by ex or DH wider family ?

Cause if it's her mere existence - she is his DD and will always be so and you knew before relationship -In that case YABU and leaving is probably best.

Are there other problems in the marriage, are you not getting DH support?

Do you have to see the IL or could that be avoided by DH seeing them by themselves. Could that also be a short term option with the step-DD that your DH see her by himself or with your DC accompanying him ?

Lasvegas · 20/09/2013 14:25

OP thinking about your child here, wouldn't it be better to stay in a hotel sometimes when step child visits, rather than leaving the marriage all together?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/09/2013 14:27

So really, it isn't her you don't like, just the way others have dealt with it?? Sounds like your bigger issue is with the inlaws.

How old is she? What is your relationship with your partner like?

wonderingsoul · 20/09/2013 14:28

las vegas.. no.. how do you feel that would make the sd feel..

and it wont be good for the op, how old is your child? it sounds and forgive me if im wrong that things where fine before the birt of your child? could you be feeling over whlmed by all of it?

iloveshortshorts · 20/09/2013 14:28

how old is your step daughter?

Loa · 20/09/2013 14:28

X-posts but sound like you need to talk to your DH about access and him being around for his DD visits and this may lead to a discussion with her mother about visits amounts for a bit.

Ignore the IL - and find ways to minimized contact and don't give in to their emotional blackmail.

You also need to work on not blaming a DC for your feelings of resentment, its not the DC fault,- but work out a situation that you are happier with.

KoalaFace · 20/09/2013 14:29

You seem completely overwhelmed, have your emotions felt outside of your control since having your DS?

Dobbiesmum · 20/09/2013 14:31

Sounds like you have overbearing in laws who pushed things along at a pace that made you feel uncomfortable. Did you say anything to your DH and did he back you up?

caramelwaffle · 20/09/2013 14:31

In that case, the problem is most definitely your husband and in-laws; but it seems that is because you feel you have been bullied or emotionally blackmailed into doing more than should be expected of you.

Perhaps a course in Assertiveness training, or sole counselling would help you at this moment in time.

Flower111 · 20/09/2013 14:31

I love my partner but I know that he loves me more than I love him. I love him but I'm not "in love" with him.

OP posts:

livinginwonderland · 20/09/2013 14:31

Lasvegas that's awful! How unwanted would you feel as a child if your stepmum buggered off to a hotel because she didn't want to be around you?!

OP, you need to think about whether you want to be in a relationship with step-children. My DP has a 4 year old DD previous relationship and yes, it's hard to know his ex will always be in our life somewhat (although their contact is very minimal). Are you prepared to put with this for the rest of your life, bearing in mind that if you and DH split up, your step-daughter won't be your responsibility anymore, although she should absolutely still have a relationship with your son.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/09/2013 14:32

Ok, again, how old is your SD.

I take it your partner has no idea how you feel about his daughter.

caramelwaffle · 20/09/2013 14:32

X post with everyone.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/09/2013 14:33

and I agree with Living - the hotel idea is just dreadful, don't even contemplate that!

Loa · 20/09/2013 14:34

The DC ages might also be a factor in how your are feeling - how young is your baby and how old Step-DD?

As DC have gotten older I've found having more DC round easier as each DC is a bit more independent.

DuelingFanjo · 20/09/2013 14:35

is this more about how you feel like your own child is not getting the same attention and about how you are getting left with too much of the childcare?

Could you change that by insisting your DP does more?

catinboots · 20/09/2013 14:35

No - I think you should do it now rather than later.

When I met DH I told him I wasn't prepared to continue a relationship with him if he remained in contact with his ex-SDD.

She was only a year younger than me and a poisonous, vicious piece of work. It wasn't an ultimatum as such - but just me telling him that I wasn't prepared to have someone like that in my life.

Flower111 · 20/09/2013 14:36

My step daughter is 9. My son is nearly 1. I definitely think my feelings changed after my son was born. I am completely withdrawn from everyone.

OP posts:

VanitasVanitatum · 20/09/2013 14:37

You're not in love with your partner and your hatred to your DSD sounds like it has actually nothing to do with her as a person, but because you don't want her around 'getting in the way' of your time with your son. It sounds like a negative situation for all of you, and maybe best for you to take some time out from the relationship and living as a family, to evaluate clearly.

FatPenguin · 20/09/2013 14:37

Sounds like you feel taken for granted Her mum has her half the week as do we (or shall I say I as my partner works a lot?) and I'm sick of it.

saying that she needs my love as a second mother and needs overcompensating for because her mum and dad split up do you feel that your in laws prioritise SD over your DC?

You'd probably be better off posting this on step parenting board.

QueenofallIsee · 20/09/2013 14:37

You don't love your husband, you dislike his family and clearly feel very trapped. I think if that is the case you can only leave. I am not sure how old your baby is, is it possible that you have touch of depression and this is how it is manifesting? As you say you got on OK before the baby came

caramelwaffle · 20/09/2013 14:39

It may be a good idea to speak with your GP.

You could get some ideas from them about other people to talk to.

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Flower111 · 20/09/2013 14:39

do you feel that your in laws prioritise SD over your DC?

Yes, absolutely.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 20/09/2013 14:40

Setting aside the problems with you having to look after your SDD, do you actually like her? Is it the situation that you hate, or is it actually her existence that you resent?
Because the situation can be made better; but you can't change how you feel about her at the moment and she doesn't need you to hate her or resent her existence, so maybe you would be better off out of it.

Also, and I'm not making excuses for you, have you been checked for PND? Saying you've withdrawn from everyone suggests you might have it...

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/09/2013 14:40

Do you think you could have PND? You do sound down.

Maybe talk to your GP???

I am such a believer that us parents can really screw our kids over, she is only 9, don't make her pay for others mistakes the poor little thing.

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