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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be miffed at not being invited to SIL's wedding

184 replies

anniroc · 05/08/2013 22:00

Genuinely interested in what you have to say about this as I can't work out whether this is rude or not.

DH gets an email this morning from his DS letting him know she is marrying her DP of 18yrs in a few months at a 'v.v.small ceremony', basically registry office followed by drinks and cake at home. They are each inviting their parents and two other people. She is inviting DH and a friend, so not me and not our two DCs.

I realize it's fairly normal not to invite children to weddings, but is it not common courtesy to invite spouses of close family to your wedding, particularly if they have invited you to their wedding? AIBU to think this is a bit rude?

Oh, and as an aside, ILs currently know nothing about this, they will find out tomorrow morning when the invite arrives in the post - SIL has not even told them she is engaged!!

OP posts:

beepoff · 05/08/2013 22:02

I would be a bit put out but I'm guessing you're not the only partner being left out? How hard would it be to have an extra couple of people at their house for cake?

Are you particularly close?

shootfromthehip · 05/08/2013 22:03

I think that's very rude. YANBU

Trills · 05/08/2013 22:04

Given the size of the wedding, YABU to be even slightly miffed.

If you were having an event where you invited your parents and two other people - would she be one of your top two people in the entire world?

FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin · 05/08/2013 22:04

I'd find it odd in general rather than a personal slight

Trills · 05/08/2013 22:05

If I could only invite two people to my wedding (excluding my parents) my brother wouldn't be invited, let alone my brother's wife.

hesterton · 05/08/2013 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trills · 05/08/2013 22:06

YWNBU to wish that she was having a bigger wedding so that you could be there.

YABU to think that "we invited you to ours" is a sensible argument. You presumably had more than 10 people in total at your wedding.

LaurieFairyCake · 05/08/2013 22:06

Too small a group to be miffed.

2rebecca · 05/08/2013 22:06

Given how small the guest list is YABU. She'll wish they just invited their parents if you moan. Just be glad for her and wish her well. Coomon courtesy is irrelevent if you're only inviting 4 people each.

BOF · 05/08/2013 22:07

I wouldn't be offended. Can't you speak to her and offer congratulations, and invite her and her DH over for a drink to celebrate? It keeps the peace and is gracious.

BrokenSunglasses · 05/08/2013 22:07

I think it's rude.

I don't think 'it's only a small wedding' is an acceptable excuse for having an intimate family event and then leaving out some of your family.

They don't have to have a tiny ceremony, they could still have a very small do at the same time as inviting partners of those closest to them.

BonaDea · 05/08/2013 22:08

Yabu.

It is clear that they are doing this extremely low key and private. They probably feel as they have been together for 18 years they don't need / want the fuss.

If they were inviting 50 or even 20 people and you were off the list I could understand you being miffed. As it is your DH should be flattered that his d sis is using one of her invites on him.

This is really not about you so I'm afraid you just need to suck this up!

Original poster

anniroc · 05/08/2013 22:08

Not close, in that we have nothing in common. It's not like we actively dislike each other or anything. I agree beepoff, how difficult is it for me to just have a friendly drink with them?!

OP posts:

dufflefluffle · 05/08/2013 22:08

YABU - it's her party. It would be generous of you to invite her and her new dh over sometime soon to celebrate their wedding - I think that given the size of their wedding it would be hard for her not to offend somebody.

whois · 05/08/2013 22:08

YABU based on the super tiny guest list.

You are only related to her by marriage, and if she starts inviting people wives its hard to draw the line to girlfriends, children's, aunts etc

Katisha · 05/08/2013 22:09

I think deciding to have " two other people" is a surefire route to unecessary problems but there we are.

onetiredmummy · 05/08/2013 22:10

At the risk of coming over all bridezilla, I'd say that she can invite who she wishes to and shouldn't be forced into inviting people due to tit for tat when she wants a tiny wedding.

She's having the wedding she wants , I'd congratulate her and let it go. It's not personal op .

FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin · 05/08/2013 22:11

I know im goibg to be told that it's just my opinion but is a wedding no longer about stating your love for each other in front of all the people you care about? And god, if that'syour thing.

northernlurker · 05/08/2013 22:11

My sister didn't invite my dh and my dcs to her wedding. This was because it was very small and very emotional as bil had been diagnosed as terminally ill. We have 4 eldery relatives important to all of us and she asked them, her best friend and partner, bil's children and partners, bil's brother and spouse and my parents and me. When an elderly relative couldn't come due to ill health dh was promoted to the list POint was it was her wedding and she could ask him or not as she chose. All any of us wanted was for them to have the best day they could. YABU. This is a small wedding. Small means you don't get to invite everybody. If she was having 100 guests and not you then yes you could be miffed.

whois · 05/08/2013 22:11

They don't have to have a tiny ceremony, they could still have a very small do at the same time as inviting partners of those closest to them

WTF? That's stupid. It is their wedding, and their day, and if they want a tiny wedding why the hell shouldn't they?

MorrisZapp · 05/08/2013 22:12

YABU

Similar thing happened in our family, it was a bit surprising but ultimately it's the couples choice if they want to have a mini wedding.

Wish them well.

Floggingmolly · 05/08/2013 22:16

It's incredibly rude. The tiny guest list is of her own choosing presumably; most homes are big enough to accommodate more than ten people, however much of a squeeze it may be. Why not just hire the function room of the local pub, rather than tell her brother he's invited but his wife isn't?

Katisha · 05/08/2013 22:16

"It's their day" yes can't argue with that. But why choose to make it a divisive occasion? They are celebrating their own coupledom but choosing not to recognise same of their sibling. I think it's unnecessarily divisive. Just have the parents if its got to be so small.

Onetwothreeoops · 05/08/2013 22:16

I wouldn't be miffed in those circumstances. If they included you then that would be them +3 guests and from there it would grow and grow. I applaud them for having the very quiet wedding they want.

I am biased though as me and DH had absolutely no guests at our wedding whatsoever!

EndoplasmicReticulum · 05/08/2013 22:17

YABU. I had as small a wedding as I could get away with but there were all these people who I "should" have invited (according to MIL). It was a pain.

She is having a tiny wedding, only inviting two people. As others were saying if she'd invited 50 and you weren't on the list, you could be miffed.

It's not a tit-for-tat thing - I'm guessing you had more than two guests at your wedding!

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