To be miffed at not being invited to SIL's wedding

[anniroc]

Genuinely interested in what you have to say about this as I can't work out whether this is rude or not.

DH gets an email this morning from his DS letting him know she is marrying her DP of 18yrs in a few months at a 'v.v.small ceremony', basically registry office followed by drinks and cake at home. They are each inviting their parents and two other people. She is inviting DH and a friend, so not me and not our two DCs.

I realize it's fairly normal not to invite children to weddings, but is it not common courtesy to invite spouses of close family to your wedding, particularly if they have invited you to their wedding? AIBU to think this is a bit rude?

Oh, and as an aside, ILs currently know nothing about this, they will find out tomorrow morning when the invite arrives in the post - SIL has not even told them she is engaged!!

[TheDoctrineOfAllan]

So are you miffed because you wouldn't have invited her DP to your wedding if you had "free" choice?

[anniroc]

JessieMcJessie - I would like nothing more than to see her happy on her wedding day.

CaptainSweatPants - I would have liked to have been given the choice about whether to go. My friend would have looked after the kids, that would not be a problem.

[patienceisvirtuous]

I think it is a crap thing to do and I wouldn't dream of doing it myself. Okay so the sil isn't close to the op but she is obviously close to her brother. It is pretty discourteous imo to exclude his wife. And I do think it counts that as immediate family she attended their small wedding.

[patienceisvirtuous]

Oh, so yanbu.

[plim]

Yabu. They want a small do - that's their perogative.

[Ledkr]

I had two witnesses but chose mine and dh single at the time friends to avoid offending partners.
Pil gate crashed and ruined it all anyway but that's Nother story

[DoctorRobert]

YANBU. It's rude and it's odd.

She wants a small, intimate wedding, that's absolutely fine. Exactly what we had - but we didn't exclude spouses of immediate family. To do so is pretty disgraceful.

I am astounded that people think it's okay...the "your day your way" mentality

[foreverondiet]

I think it these circumstances its not rude, as they are only inviting a total of 8 guests - of whom 4 are parents, so no partners. Easier this way you don't need childcare. However if her DP is inviting a couple ie a friend or sibling and a partner then yes you should feel miffed.

Are you close to her? I am v close to my DH's sisters (speak to them by text daily) so would be miffed - but if you aren't close then its something else.

[IrisWildthyme]

YABU given the size of the ceremony. If they are literally each only having their parents and 2 other people, do you seriously think that you should be among the 4 most important people in your SIL's life? You are basically saying that you should rank higher to her than her best friend. If I were her I would be offended at that suggestion.

If that's the size of wedding they want, then that's up to them and it's none of your business.

[NoSquirrels]

I did think YWBU.

But now, considering the size of your own wedding (12 people), I have more sympathy with you.

If you would really like to be there, or celebrate somehow, perhaps your DH could email back and say something along the lines of

"Congratulations! How exciting, I will definitely be there. I know you've decided on +2 guests each, but any chance anniroc can come along, at least to drinks & cake to raise a toast? She would love to celebrate with you both too. We'd leave the kids with a friend, so no gatecrashing from them."

Just in case they thought leaving the kids is an issue? If I felt strongly that I wanted to go, I would ask my DH to ask on my behalf, politely. But if it is just a case of feeling put out because you should have been invited, then you should just suck it up and congratulate them graciously when you see them. Invite them over/out for champagne instead!

[EuphemiaLennox]

You know you can actually choose here whether to be offended or not.

[Justforlaughs]

I'm too busy wondering which of my siblings and their partners would be my first choice to wonder about whether the OP is BU!

[Ficklefrancis]

Agree its her wedding and she can invite who she wants. It's also completely reasonable to feel a bit put out but I'm afraid you just have to put up with it.
I have experience in this, my cousin is getting married in a church next year. My brothers and I are not invited to the actual ceremony which was fine but the grooms cousins are. I expect they are not such a big family. We felt put out at first but it is their big day and it is there choice. So we suck it up. Looking forward to the reception though but when you get my brothers, my dh and I together expect carnage ;) we really enjoy a joke or two.

[Justforlaughs]

and worrying whether I would have been on my siblings list if they had had a tiny wedding.
I know that I wouldn't be on my SILs!

[Pachacuti]

YABU given the size of the wedding. I didn't get to go to my own brother's wedding as it was a similarly-sized event (the cheapest register office option they could find) and there are four of us children in the family. It wasn't a personal slight.

(I am going to get to go to his next wedding, though... )

[ModernToss]

Well it sounds passive aggressive to me.

Absolute nonsense. It's a tiny wedding, and it's what they want. YABU.

[MusicalEndorphins]

I think it is rude not to invite you.

[WineNot]

And this is why, when DH and I got married with just 4 guests, we had no family present, just friends.

OP - would you rather that?

YABtotallyU.

[MerylStrop]

Sorry but your own wedding is irrelevant!
Unless you think she is deliberately trying to upset you (unlikely as its you know THEIR wedding and not about you), accept it with good grace.

[YouTheCat]

When one of my brothers got married it was a pull two witnesses off the street job.

He called me that evening to say he'd got married. I thought it was great and was very happy for him and his wife.

My other brother had a big do. Fireworks and all manner of nice activities going on. That was also great and I was very happy for him and his wife too.

OP, yabu, it's their wedding. Just be happy for them.

[HeyLuciani]

All these wedding threads make me so glad we eloped! I wanted a small wedding, didn't want a big fuss or to be centre of attention (tbh I didn't really want a wedding, just wanted to be married - that's the important bit surely?). However, we both have big families and a lot of good friends so a small event was impossible. We spent about a year dithering about what kind of wedding to have, then decided "fuck it" and got married on holiday and told everyone afterwards. Best decision we ever made.

Don't take it personally OP, they possibly wanted to elope/do it on their own but felt they couldn't upset the parents/siblings - this might be their compromise.

[AnneEyhtMeyer]

Be grateful. You don't really get on and weddings are boring. She has done you a favour.

[EasterHoliday]

I sincerely hope that when my SIL gets remarried that she follows the same approach. You're not close. Why are you bothered about going to weddings of people you're not close to

[nauticant]

Great entitlement on display here from many sources.

YABU. You are taking it personally and you are trying to make it all about you.

The day isn't about you, it's about them. Wish them well and stop obsessing.

[ineedtogetoutmore]

if it was a big wedding and they'd left you out I'd say that was rude but if its parents and two guests each I wouldn't be offended.

no offense but if I only had two guests to my wedding I'd make the same choice. No disrespect intended but she'll have a much closer relationship with her best friend than she does with you and so will want to share this with her friend more.