Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed at not being invited to SIL's wedding

184 replies

anniroc · 05/08/2013 22:00

Genuinely interested in what you have to say about this as I can't work out whether this is rude or not.

DH gets an email this morning from his DS letting him know she is marrying her DP of 18yrs in a few months at a 'v.v.small ceremony', basically registry office followed by drinks and cake at home. They are each inviting their parents and two other people. She is inviting DH and a friend, so not me and not our two DCs.

I realize it's fairly normal not to invite children to weddings, but is it not common courtesy to invite spouses of close family to your wedding, particularly if they have invited you to their wedding? AIBU to think this is a bit rude?

Oh, and as an aside, ILs currently know nothing about this, they will find out tomorrow morning when the invite arrives in the post - SIL has not even told them she is engaged!!

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 06/08/2013 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ICanSeeTheSeaFromHere · 06/08/2013 10:32

I think you deserve to feel 'a bit put out', I know I would.

I was talking to DH about your thread and he said he would not want to go if his Bro and Sil did this. Weddings are all about love and you don't split couples and cause tension in other households!

QuintessentiallyOhDear · 06/08/2013 10:40

Yabu. I would not mind in the slightest. They have been together 18 years and finally doing a small registry office wedding, with just a few people home for coffee and cake after. It is not a traditional wedding, so I dont think normal wedding rules/etiquette applies.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 06/08/2013 10:56

It's the exact antithesis of the sort of wedding I would want for myself, and would probably even enjoy attending...

But I still think YABU.

Brace yourself for this, OK... But you know what? This wedding isn't actually about you - wife of the brother of the bride. Grin I don't mean that is a get-the-boot-in, sarky, this-is-AIBU-so-let's-go-for-the-OP sort of way. I mean it in a nice way.

This is their wedding, their day, you're not close to the SIL. Really. It's not about you, so move on and let them get on with it. You will look desperately petty otherwise.

themaltesefalcon · 06/08/2013 11:00

Your DB's other half was a girlfriend not wife themaltesefalcon, which is very different.

That is not a very modern attitude. Grin They have a kid and a house together, but still call each other boyfriend and girlfriend and not the dreaded "partner" (which makes me thing of playing squash or practising law). It's quite sweet.

OP, I don't think you're a bad person, but you need to realise that this is just between them and their very, very nearest and dearest, of which you admittedly are not one. It's not personal at all. It's lovely that the bride wants your husband there and it doesn't sound as though you are missing a massive no-holds-bar shindig, does it?

themaltesefalcon · 06/08/2013 11:02

I just remembered, an aunt who hadn't even been in touch with my family since I was a toddler was "very hurt" that she wasn't among my four-person wedding party. My mother received a very snarky letter crowing that I wasn't going to be getting any casserole dishes from her.

I hate casseroles. Grin

SprinkleLiberally · 06/08/2013 11:04

I'm on the fence. Personally I would have a slightly bigger wedding than my ideal. Lots of people invite a few people to keep the peace so I'm a bit Hmm about people who don'todo that. Another person or two would still be a tiny wedding.
Having said all that it is their choice. If the ramifications of that choice are that people feel cool towards them, then that is up to the couple to deal with. I am not close to my ILs but I do put myself out for them a lot. I would probably feel a bit released from feeling so obligated on future which might be nice! Only you know what relationships are like in this scenario OP.

Shrugged · 06/08/2013 11:21

The only reason my brother even knew I was getting married is that he happened to phone me on a whim when I was on my way to the registry office!

Honestly, OP, people have very different feelings about weddings. I had a 'pull two witnesses off the street in your lunch break' ceremony, and didn't tell family other than DB for weeks or months, can't remember which. Some family members were hurt and expressed offence, but with even only parents, siblings and partners (both from large families) it would have been a big wedding we simply didn't want. People need to respect that.

ThisWayForCrazy · 06/08/2013 11:50

When I got married there was my Mum, Dad, MIL, BIL, sister, niece, her BF and our children. People got upset about it as they never knew we were getting married. They'll get over it. It was our day, not theirs. We did what we wanted.

WafflyVersatile · 06/08/2013 12:32

How long is this wedding going to be if it's it registry office then home?

2 hours, 3?

AllBoxedUp · 06/08/2013 13:17

I was thinking about this after and I don't think YABU to feel put out but I do think you have to suck it up - it's not worth causing a fuss over and I do think people should get to choose how they want their wedding day to be.

AllThatGlistens · 06/08/2013 13:24

YABVU.It's their wedding, they are having two guests each, they're v shy, you aren't particularly close but you are annoyed you're not at the top of their list??

Wow. I always thought a marriage was always about the two people actually in that relationship- and how they choose to have their wedding should be their choice.

lisianthus · 06/08/2013 13:37

So how does your DH feel about it?

ShadowMeltingInTheSun · 06/08/2013 13:43

I can see why you feel a bit miffed at not being invited, but given the teeny tiny size of the guest list, I don't think it's rude to exclude you.

It's not like a more typical wedding with a guest list of 50 or 100, after all. Leaving you out of a bigger wedding really would be rude.

zatyaballerina · 06/08/2013 14:06

yabu, they are each inviting only 2 people apart from their parents, I'm sure if they were to extend that by one there'd be a queue of far more important people who actually know, love and care for your sil to go on it. You're not that important, it's not a big deal, they're merely formalising their relationship with minimum fuss, leave them be.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 06/08/2013 14:12

I said YWBU too upthread OP but knowing about your own wedding with 12 people including DSIL's partner makes me understand your POV a little bit more. So basically what nosquirrels said!

I think for the sake of your ongoing relationship with your SIL you have to be gracious. Still interested in the details beforehand and the stories and photos after (if you have that kind of relationship, that is).

Poutintrout · 06/08/2013 15:47

YAB a bit U here I think. You had you day your way and this is their day their way. By your own admission you're not close to your SIL so maybe they don't actually think you will be fussed by not attending such a low key, no fuss event. I had a very, very small registry office wedding it really didn't occur to us that anyone could be miffed by not being invited because it was such a no frills, low key thing.

Please don't make a fuss about not being invited. It will ruin their day and the shock waves will be felt for years to come & I'm speaking from bitter experience.

AlfalfaMum · 06/08/2013 16:06

Ah. I do wish you'd mentioned the information about your own wedding in your OP :) I do think that's quite relevant, and I'd like to change my verdict to a YANBU in the light of the new evidence!

What do your DH a PIL think about it all?

HatieKokpins · 06/08/2013 16:52

You're being a massive PITA, frankly.

Helltotheno · 06/08/2013 17:37

Agree. OP you're being a control freak and making it all about you. A slightly more mature attitude called for perhaps? In other words, do grow up

Lord why are people so unreasonable around weddings? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're rational otherwise....

squoosh · 06/08/2013 17:44

I think it's a bit harsh to call the OP a pain in the ass and a control freak. Her posts are pretty measured, she just seems bemused by it all.

Skinidin · 06/08/2013 17:48

I too had no guests except witnesses at our wedding.

Suited us fine.

Not everyone likes big weddings and it's easier to have no family than 'some' family.

Helltotheno · 06/08/2013 17:49

Maybe she's not normally a control freak but she's trying to control what someone else chooses to do/not do regarding their marriage, esp when that person is really hardly inviting anyone and if anything, the only party who should be offended is someone who considered themselves extremely close to her.... which clearly isn't the OP.

That's what I don't get....

ems1910 · 06/08/2013 18:44

I would be miffed and yanbu for feeling that but this is their day and you have to just suck it up and say congratulations.

I wouldn't do it and I am pretty sure my siblings wouldn't but who knows what other reasons they have. It could have been that she tried to invite you but her fiance said no more guests.

Take the children out somewhere or invite a friend over for cake on the day x

MortifiedAdams · 06/08/2013 18:47

OP YABU for expecting them to think and act like you. They are different people with a differebt set of priorities, wants and needs.

Their day, their way.