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AIBU?

To be miffed at not being invited to SIL's wedding

184 replies

anniroc · 05/08/2013 22:00

Genuinely interested in what you have to say about this as I can't work out whether this is rude or not.

DH gets an email this morning from his DS letting him know she is marrying her DP of 18yrs in a few months at a 'v.v.small ceremony', basically registry office followed by drinks and cake at home. They are each inviting their parents and two other people. She is inviting DH and a friend, so not me and not our two DCs.

I realize it's fairly normal not to invite children to weddings, but is it not common courtesy to invite spouses of close family to your wedding, particularly if they have invited you to their wedding? AIBU to think this is a bit rude?

Oh, and as an aside, ILs currently know nothing about this, they will find out tomorrow morning when the invite arrives in the post - SIL has not even told them she is engaged!!

OP posts:

Report

Jan49 · 06/08/2013 00:11

How do you know they could have invited the OP and just a few more?

Well unless the wedding party has to fit into a small light aircraft or a balloon, I assume one more person (or a few more) would not be very significant. What reason could there be for not being able to afford a few more? The cake is only just big enough for 8 or they only have 8 teabags? If the registry office room fits only 8 guests, a few could wait outside or just join the celebration at the house afterwards.

ArtemisFoul · 06/08/2013 00:14

YABVU.

I hate being the centre of attention. I loathe it with a firey passion. My entire graduation was ruined by nerves, I couldn't sleep or eat but I was puking my guts up just hours before. But it's not my hell, getting married is.

I called off my wedding as immediate family, plus kids and a couple of friends each, took us to over fifty people.

No way. I'll only elope, if you don't like it then FU. Why should I spend a fortune for a day I'll hate and dread?

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 06/08/2013 00:22

That's why I said 'inadvertently.' It could be innocent; it could be a slight. She could be phobic. Who knows.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 06/08/2013 00:25

OP is she usually like this or have you known her to make more of a fuss on other occasions? Does the behaviour seem in character for her and her DP? If so let if go. I can see my SIL going through a weird phase where she did this on a spur of the moment sort if thing. But if its entirely consistent with how she usually is then j doubt she means to be rude.

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 06/08/2013 00:26

It's not what they can afford, it's what they want.

NatashaBee · 06/08/2013 01:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ouchmyhead · 06/08/2013 01:49

YABU - their wedding, their guest list. Whatever their motivation for not inviting you, wether it be about budget or just not wanting other halves their - it is their choice.

lisianthus · 06/08/2013 02:24

I am normally "their wedding, their choice". But she certainly doesn't seem to see you as part of the family - this is a very pointed gesture. And for a celebration of marriage, she doesn't seem to think much of her brother's marriage. IMHO, if a couple is married, you should invite both of them to a wedding. If she wanted to have a small wedding without you, then she should not be inviting your DH, but perhaps having a drink or cake with both of you later to celebrate.

Is your DH going along with this?

WafflyVersatile · 06/08/2013 02:24

Jan, because if you invite x you have to invite y and so it goes until it is no a few, as has already been said. Everyone has to draw a line. They drew theirs here.

themaltesefalcon · 06/08/2013 06:09

Sounds like our wedding. Tiny. My only two guests were my best friend who flew in 8904.4 miles to be with us and my brother, so that my two best-loved people in the world were my witnesses. I didn't even consider inviting my brother's girlfriend. We were as poor as churchmice at the time and couldn't have stretched to restaurant meals and drinks afterwards for anyone other than our treasured invitees.

themaltesefalcon · 06/08/2013 06:12

this is a very pointed gesture

It's nothing of the kind.

For some people, the ceremony is the important thing and the possibility extended family members taking offence at imagined slights doesn't enter their heads.

FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin · 06/08/2013 06:38

But it is drinks and cake at their home. Relaxed and casual, apart from the fact that the ops dh must attend alone.
Would it be ok if this were a dinner party? Birthday do?

onetiredmummy · 06/08/2013 06:43

OP- do you know why they are having such a tiny wedding? Is it purely their choice or are other factors at work here ?

Lynettescarvo- you turned up uninvited with 3 dc's ? What was your db's reaction? Why did you do that ? Wow

firesidechat · 06/08/2013 06:49

So basically your sil is getting married and covering the legal basics ie 2 witnesses. I wouldn't get too bothered by that at all. I'm sure lots of us would have loved a wedding like that with the minimum of fuss, especially after 18 years together.

diddl · 06/08/2013 07:07

If I was to invite parents and two others, I'm afraid one of the two wouldn't be my BIL.

It would be my sister & my best friend!

nooka · 06/08/2013 07:14

It's not rude it's just different. Your sister and her partner clearly want to have a very very small gathering at their wedding ceremony (which I presume is somewhere low key?). there may be a whole variety of reasons for that, but given that they are only inviting their nearest and dearest and you are not close I really don't understand why you are miffed.

This is not a wedding like your wedding, and you are neither the bride's sibling nor her best friend. The drinks and cake may be because they feel they have to do something after the legalities.

Why don't you ask your dh to ask them why so small, there may well be a very good reason.

Cerisier · 06/08/2013 07:14

But she certainly doesn't seem to see you as part of the family - this is a very pointed gesture. And for a celebration of marriage, she doesn't seem to think much of her brother's marriage. IMHO, if a couple is married, you should invite both of them to a wedding. If she wanted to have a small wedding without you, then she should not be inviting your DH, but perhaps having a drink or cake with both of you later to celebrate.

^^

I agree with lisi. I think this is very bad form, either they should invite both of you or neither.

Your DB's other half was a girlfriend not wife themaltesefalcon, which is very different.

anniroc · 06/08/2013 07:18

Thanks for all your opinions. AllBoxedUp - they are having a small wedding as they are shy and don't want a fuss. However, we also had a v.small wedding (12 of us) but invited both of them as I thought inviting siblings plus partners was pretty non-negotiable and polite. That's why i'm a bit put out!!

OP posts:

JessieMcJessie · 06/08/2013 07:20

You say yourself that you and she are not particularly close. So you probably don't have a great desire to be there to see her be happy on her wedding day. Presumably you have been part of the family for a long time and you and she/her fiance are probably as close as you will ever be, so nothing likely to change after the wedding.

You only want an invitation to acknowledge your own status in the family, which is merely symbolic vis a vis the SIL and not underpinned by any natural closeness. As others have said, it's not about you. YABU.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 06/08/2013 07:25

I think YABU.

I'm not close with my SIL, if she could only invite 4 guests to her wedding I wouldn't be at all offended if she choose DH and a friend vs DH and I.

The guest list is teeny! She should have who she really wants.

CaptainSweatPants · 06/08/2013 07:41

Oh if they invited you & not the kids you'd be up in arms about who would look after the kids etc

I'd be pleased she'd invited her brother tbh

Pagwatch · 06/08/2013 07:42

They are having a tiny wedding. If they have to invite everyone who thinks 'well if he goes then I should be there too' it soon will be a bigger wedding.

I think it sounds lovely. Really private.
I would be happy for them and hope they had a lovely time.
If I started thinking 'but I ought to be there' I think I would worry about my generosity of spirit.

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ExitPursuedByABear · 06/08/2013 07:54

I would also be relieved I didn't have to buy a new outfit.

Flobbadobs · 06/08/2013 08:01

If you had the wedding you want I think you need to step back and allow them the same courtesy.
YABU but YANBU to be disappointed.

noblegiraffe · 06/08/2013 08:23

Why should they invite someone to their incredibly small wedding just out of politeness? If they wanted you there you'd be on the list because they'd have made it bigger to accommodate spouses. But that's not the wedding they want.

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