To be miffed at not being invited to SIL's wedding

[anniroc]

Genuinely interested in what you have to say about this as I can't work out whether this is rude or not.

DH gets an email this morning from his DS letting him know she is marrying her DP of 18yrs in a few months at a 'v.v.small ceremony', basically registry office followed by drinks and cake at home. They are each inviting their parents and two other people. She is inviting DH and a friend, so not me and not our two DCs.

I realize it's fairly normal not to invite children to weddings, but is it not common courtesy to invite spouses of close family to your wedding, particularly if they have invited you to their wedding? AIBU to think this is a bit rude?

Oh, and as an aside, ILs currently know nothing about this, they will find out tomorrow morning when the invite arrives in the post - SIL has not even told them she is engaged!!

[MorrisZapp]

Why should the couple have to hire anything? Or invite anybody at all? It's their wedding day.

I bet loads of people (including me, possibly) would like to get married but don't want to enter into the financial and political hell of modern weddings. So they just stay living together rather than face the wrath/ upset of people who think that they should have a say in how other people get married.

[OutragedFromLeeds]

YABU she can only choose two people and you're not close!

[SanityClause]

Traditionally the reason people had big weddings was that if you invited lots of people, you had lots of witnesses, so it would be harder for people to deny you were married.

This is partly the reason why the bride's family got to pay, so that the groom wouldn't be easily able to repudiate the bride. It was like an insurance policy.

These days we have official witnesses and marriage certificates and registers, so a small wedding does just fine.

If its what they want, let them do it.

And feel peeved all you want. Just don't make a fuss about it.

[RedToothBrush]

We got married abroad in front of strangers who acted as witnesses. We decided this because there is always the selfish relative or friend who thinks its about them, and their precious invite rather than about the couple getting married and the problem is once you invite one person, you have to invite X, Y and Z otherwise X, Y and Z throw the toys out their pram and think they have ammunition for them to feel wronged and entitled (do I get to call Mumsnet Bingo?).

His mother still makes comments to this day about it, but she'd have been a hell of lot worse if we'd have invited someone 'over' her.

OP, newsflash: this isn't about you. They wanted a small ceremony and to have as little fuss as possible - probably precisely because they have friends and family who would have made it its a nightmare for them by being selfish and demanding.

I think your reaction probably proves they were wise to do it they way they have.

Be happy for them.
Above all else don't be the one to piss all over their parade, by stamping your feet and saying "ITS NOT FAIR! I WANT, WAH, WAH, WAH" like a spoilt child.

[TheDoctrineOfAllan]

YABU. What they want is a very small wedding - I imagine they considered heading to a registry office and grabbing two witnesses - in fact, they may each be having a friend as the witness - and this was where they felt comfortable. It's nothing personal against you.

[AlfalfaMum]

I bowled in here to say YANBU, but now that I realise how tiny a guest list it is, I've changed my tune: yabu.

[northernlurker]

It's not rude to have a small guest list. It is how it is. A wedding is about the marriage not the fecking guests.

[expatinscotland]

YABU. Sounds sensible to me. She could have just eloped.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Their choice. Odd. But each to their own.

[chesterberry]

If it is literally going to be a wedding of just 8 people (2 sets of parents and 2 other guests each) then YABU and presumably will not be the only partner or close friend/ family member left out. No, it wouldn't be hard for them to add a few extra people to include partners, but maybe they feel they only want people they are very close with there, which doesn't include their partners, and that they want their guests to be able to devote the day to the bride and groom, which is harder to do if with a partner.

I understand your feeling that usually spouses are invited to weddings, but usually weddings have a lot more than 8 guests as well. Given the very small size of this wedding, and the fact that it is just a simple ceremony followed by drinks and cake back at their house, I wouldn't feel like you are being left out intentionally. Maybe they feel if they invite you they will have to invite partner of bride's friend and the partners of the two guests groom has chosen and will then find there are friends who think 'but bride's not even close to her SIL' and they will then feel they have to invite those people and suddenly their tiny ceremony ends up being quite large. They must have their reasons for wanting such a small, simple ceremony with only the 8 people closest to them there and, as it is their big day and not anybody else's, I wouldn't question that.

[WafflyVersatile]

Sounds like they wanted the absolute minimum of the absolute closes people to them, parents, siblings, a friend each.

Maybe think of it as them wanting to just do it themselves but feeling duty bound to invite those people and ended up doing what many do sitting there thinking but if we invite X we have to invite Y and if we invite Y we have to invite A and B and if we..... etc. then thought no. Parents sibling and friend must be there but no one else is actually necessary.

I doubt it's a personal slight unless you two don't get on.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Sorry OP but YABU given the size of the wedding. Do you know who the groom's two people are? Who is the bride's other person?

Be gracious, it's easier all round.

[WeAll]

If they are just inviting so very few people, then I think Yabu to be offended.

[AllBoxedUp]

YABU. northernlurker that was a scenario I wondered about - OP maybe there is a reason why they are having such a small wedding.

Are you really sad because you will miss the wedding or just put out as you think it's rude?

[noblegiraffe]

If they invited you and your kids out of duty, then that is opening up a whole load of other people who would also need an invite. And they don't want a big wedding. So YABU.

[maja00]

YABa bitU

It's a very tiny ceremony, and you're not close - wouldn't you feel a bit out of place?

[noblegiraffe]

I only had close family and no friends at my wedding. Because if I invited one friend, it would be hard to choose which one, and if I invited more than one, then the wedding would be bigger than what we wanted. So, close family only, those were the rules.
Their rule is two guests only, to achieve the size of wedding they want. You have to respect that.

[whois]

Yeah that's a good point AllBoxedUp. Do you actually want to go and watch the marriage ceremony OP, or are you just a bit put out that you've been 'left out'. I would hazard a guess its the second...

[ChippingInHopHopHop]

It sounds an odd way to go about things - but given they're only inviting 2 people each, I wouldn't be in the least bit bothered it wasn't me.

[oohaveabanana]

If it was a 'normal' wedding, fair enough, id agree with you. But they are having a hugely low key event. Unless you think you are one of the 8 people closest to her in the world, you have to accept that it doesn't make sense for her to invite you. Think of the 8 closest people to you ... Who would you miss out to invite your sil?

Not the way you'd do it, not the way I'd do it, but oter people are allowed their own choices.

[BrokenSunglasses]

WTF? That's stupid. It is their wedding, and their day, and if they want a tiny wedding why the hell shouldn't they?

Well they can if they want to, it's not against the law or anything and presumably they are paying for it. But personally, I just feel that it's a bit off to ask someone to celebrate your marriage when they don't respect yours enough to invite the person you married to their wedding. It seems a bit too selfish to me.

[RedToothBrush]

Why is it selfish?

Or do we all have to invite someone purely on the basis of they invited you? Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?

Some people might have to invite a hell of a lot of people to their own weddings and not invite family as result!!!

Think about it for half a sec... Dumb idea.

[DoJo]

But if they are only inviting two people each and you aren't really close, why should she not be able to have a friend as her other person just so you can go with your husband? And it's not just HER day, it's THEIR day so they have presumably chosen this option together which means it isn't just her deciding that they are going to have this tiny wedding. they obviously either both want it as much, or have compromised on these numbers in which case it's just one of those things and should probably be left to them. This place is usually full of thread about how people should only have the wedding they can afford - maybe this is it for them.

[Saffyz]

YANBU. If having only two guests each means you only invite one person out of a family, then you increase the number of guests to include the whole of that family.

[noblegiraffe]

But if they increase the number of guests to include not only the two people they've each invited but also their spouses and kids, then it's no longer the very small wedding they want, is it?