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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD was right to ask?

243 replies

Jingleflobba · 17/12/2012 10:59

Went to a Christmas party yesterday, really busy (think village hall packed to the rafters type) with the DC's and ended up bumping i to an old friend who we had lost touch with. We chatted for a while, admired each others new babies etc then went on mingling and watching our DC's so I didn't get to see her again apart from a quick goodbye as we left.
DD is 7, very inquisitive and likes babies so she spent a bit of time playing with friends baby at the party.
After we got home we were talking about the afternoon and she told me & DH that "baby X has a strawberry mark". She does, it's quite noticeable. DH asked her how she knew what it was called and DD said that she had asked my friend about it. DH thinks she was rude to mention it at all but I think she was right. She wouldn't have asked in a rude "ewww what's that?" Type of way, just very factual wanting to know about it. According to DD she just said "what has she got on her head?"
Is DH right and she was being rude or is it preferable to just staring at it (which I saw quite a lot of when talking to my friend).
I should add that I didn't mention it as my friend got in there first Smile

OP posts:
Whistlingwaves · 17/12/2012 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLorraTurkey · 17/12/2012 11:02

I think it's a no brainer really, kids ask questions.

In fact, I wouldn't see it as rude if an adult had asked the woman the same thing...as long as they weren't a stranger to her.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/12/2012 11:02

Perfectly reasonable to ask.

UC · 17/12/2012 11:09

Absolutely ok to have asked. Doesn't sound as though your friend had any problem with it either, as it sounds like she explained.

rumbelina · 17/12/2012 11:09

Not rude at all!

It's a perfectly reasonable question to ask if you want to find out what something is. It's not as if she pointed and squealed.

Original poster
Jingleflobba · 17/12/2012 11:11

Thats what I thought. I think DH got a bit worried that our friend would be offended.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 17/12/2012 11:12

Of course she wasn't rude to ask.

WelshMaenad · 17/12/2012 11:12

Pointing, whispering, staring - rude.

Asking - not rude.

kerala · 17/12/2012 11:13

Not rude. My 5 year old asked my single friend where her husband and children were . In her world the majority of people she sees are in families so it was a reasonable question but I wanted to sink through the floor...

WheelieBinRebel · 17/12/2012 11:25

One of my DC's has a strawberry mark and it certainly doesn't offend me when people ask, which happens quite often.

peaceandlovebunny · 17/12/2012 11:33

she should not have asked. she is old enough to have been taught that personal remarks are not acceptable and that some questions can be hurtful.

rainbow2000 · 17/12/2012 11:37

If she asked nicely then no she wasnt rude.But kids always ask things that adults dont have the nerve to.

Original poster
Jingleflobba · 17/12/2012 11:40

peace she does know that personal remarks are not acceptable but surely asking about something in a matter of fact way is better than staring and whispering about it, which is what I saw an awful lot of people (mainly adults) doing yesterday?

OP posts:
badtime · 17/12/2012 11:44

peaceandlovebunny, that is nonsense. Personal remarks are not always rude ('your hair looks nice'), and is absurd to suggest that a 7 year old should be expected to know when something might be offensive and when it will not. However, since it clearly did not offend in this case, the child's judgement must be better than yours.

NatashaBee · 17/12/2012 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocoluvva · 17/12/2012 11:49

It's certainly better than staring and whispering, but it would have been even better not to mention it at all.
It sounds like your DH is a lovely sensitive person with nice manners. Your DD is lucky to have such a kind DF to give her thoughtful advice.
Your DD didn't need to know there and then what the strawberry mark is.
I'm with your DH on this one.

Original poster
Jingleflobba · 17/12/2012 11:52

choco he is very definitely lovely and thoughtful, you're spot on with that one!
Thank you all for your thoughts, one thing I love about AIBU is getting different points of views on things I might not have considered Xmas Smile.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 17/12/2012 11:55

When I was little I had a very large noticeable strawberry birthmark on my head. My parents had no issue with children asking about it and would happily answer questions - children are naturally inquisitive and as long as they are polite about it should never be stopped from asking questions.

They did take issue with comments from adults like "that thing should be covered in public"

princesspuds · 17/12/2012 12:01

I don't think that it's rude, my dd is 8 yrs old and in a wheelchair and I always prefer it if a chld or adult came and asked about her condition rather than gawp/point at her (which sometimes happens) although I find that if a child asks me about my dd, the adult with the child is usually very apologetic about the child asking questions despite me saying that it doesn't bother me.

MrsMushroom · 17/12/2012 12:21

My DD2 had one on her back...it's not rude t ask...strawberry marks go away by the time the child is 3 or so, the Mum will know this and hopefully not be sensitive.

ChallyCreaks · 17/12/2012 12:35

Your DD was not rude at all. My DD had a strawberry mark on her forehead when she was a baby. The stares and rude comments made by adults was quite horrid. It would have been quite refreshing for someone to just ask what it was.

And the only way to learn things is to ask if you don't know.

PoppyWearer · 17/12/2012 12:36

A few years back I was reading a book about parenting and it advocated talking about anything that could cause prejudice etc head-on with kids, such as race, sexual orientation, physical characteristics. The book quoted some study that kids who have this stuff explained to them are less likely to develop prejudices later in life.

Which is why the Paralympics were so great for our kids to see and ask questions about athletes with varying abilities. It's when you brush stuff under the carpet that kids start to think that different is "wrong" or "undesirable" in some way

A friend's child had a strawberry birthmark and we all talked about it (them, DD, DH) quite openly. Once explained, it was no longer an issue.

So you and your DD are right, your DH is wrong. Smile

CMOTDibbler · 17/12/2012 12:41

Not rude - I have a non functioning and very scarred arm, and don't mind children asking directly about it at all. I do mind people who should know better going on about it, or comments about it looking yuck

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 17/12/2012 12:44

Dd had a strawberry mark on her forehead as a baby. I never found children (or adults for that matter) asking about it. Kids are naturally inquisitive. Your dd was just doing what kids do. Don't worry about it!

DozyDuck · 17/12/2012 12:48

Why shouldn't she ask? Why is it offensive? Why should mother or child be ashamed of it in any way?

They shouldn't. She won't have to ask anyone again she can just accept it. These things definitely shouldn't be 'hush hush' that gives the expression that people should be ashamed of these things, which they shouldnt.