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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD was right to ask?

243 replies

Jingleflobba · 17/12/2012 10:59

Went to a Christmas party yesterday, really busy (think village hall packed to the rafters type) with the DC's and ended up bumping i to an old friend who we had lost touch with. We chatted for a while, admired each others new babies etc then went on mingling and watching our DC's so I didn't get to see her again apart from a quick goodbye as we left.
DD is 7, very inquisitive and likes babies so she spent a bit of time playing with friends baby at the party.
After we got home we were talking about the afternoon and she told me & DH that "baby X has a strawberry mark". She does, it's quite noticeable. DH asked her how she knew what it was called and DD said that she had asked my friend about it. DH thinks she was rude to mention it at all but I think she was right. She wouldn't have asked in a rude "ewww what's that?" Type of way, just very factual wanting to know about it. According to DD she just said "what has she got on her head?"
Is DH right and she was being rude or is it preferable to just staring at it (which I saw quite a lot of when talking to my friend).
I should add that I didn't mention it as my friend got in there first Smile

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 18/12/2012 09:44

I think it helps people to understand as well.

Original poster
Jingleflobba · 18/12/2012 09:59

Wow, I thought I'd killed my own thread last night! Xmas Grin
I showed DH the thread and it was a bit of an eye opener for him I think.
Just to clarify, she did ask on a polite way, not in a "yuk" way.
Thank you all for sharing x

OP posts:
Jingleallthejay · 18/12/2012 10:02

its fine honestly Smile

financialwizard · 18/12/2012 10:04

My dd has a large strawberry mark on her head, and one on her upper thigh. Lots of people ask about it (I don't really notice it anymore) and it never bothers me. A few people have thought she has banged her head but I explain before they call social services

whois · 18/12/2012 10:11

I don't think asking is rude. "what is that? Does it hurt?" etc are nothing to be offended about.

TBH I don't think the parents should be offended if an adult friend asks? Surely it's silly to all pretend the mark isn't there...?

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 18/12/2012 10:14

She wasn't rude. But it is quite embarrassing to be the parent on the receiving end.

DD was crying at trampoline centre the other day and I quietly explained to the other mum there that she had autism. Then all the children there came up one by one and went on and on saying "why is that girl crying""how old is she" "I didnt cry at trampolines when I was 6". Was painful.

Ifyoulike · 18/12/2012 10:16

I think there is a long-reaching problem with scolding children for looking at, asking questions of, or otherwise simply interacting honestly and politely with people with disabilities.

Those children grow up to be adults who have no idea how to interact with people with disabilites, other than to look the other way, avoid them, and 'hush hush' not speak to them.

Those are the same adults who get all flustered when they suddenly are expected to interact with someone who has a disability, because they are so afraid of putting a foot wrong (because of their own childhood memories of feeling ashamed or scolded).

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 18/12/2012 10:18

you have a point there..the mum didnt explain DD's disability but just made excuses like she was shy etc.

I could have stepped in and explained but am a shy person myself.

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 18/12/2012 10:19

so instead of being a child with a very real disability DD was just a babyish child in their eyes.

Ifyoulike · 18/12/2012 10:20

Sorry Fanjo Sad , that must have felt horrible.

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 18/12/2012 10:22

yes it did. I hope the mum explained to her kids afterwards though :)

BertieBotts · 18/12/2012 10:30

It's very British not to mention it at all.

Ifyoulike makes an excellent point. There's no problem with questions as long as they're asked out of curiosity rather than judgement.

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 18/12/2012 10:32

well..I beg to differ a bit..if you are dealing with a child with a disability it becomes a bit wearing to deal with the child and be expected to be some sort of child educator and disability ambassador.

Imagine if your child is the 20th person to ask.

I personally would teach them not to ask the person or the parents but to wait and let me explain to them.

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 18/12/2012 10:32

and would definitely teach not to stare, which makes you feel very uncomfortable and happens everywhere.

SummerRainIsADistantMemory · 18/12/2012 10:35

Fanjo... Ds2 has very delayed speech and social issues. I get where you're coming from as it really hit a nerve at toddler group when kids his own age were asking me why he couldn't talk and didn't understand why he was screaming and crying at every little thing but that was my issue. The kids didn't mean any harm and were just confused by his behaviour. I explained that he couldn't talk and that it was scary for him and now he's very good friends with those same kids. One girl in particular really took him under her wing when he started playschool and without her empathy and kindness he would have taken a lot longer to settle in.

Jammother · 18/12/2012 10:44

My son has a cafe au lait birthmark that covers half of his face. I would prefer people ask rather than say - oh is that a bruise (from practice nurse - yes he has a four inch bruise on his face at two months old Shock) or why does he have chocolate over his face. Any one who is rude is just told it is a birthmark and he has a future career as the phantom of the opera Wink quickly shuts them up!

threesocksfullofchocs · 18/12/2012 10:56

I don't think it was rude, as she knew the person.
would have been rude if she didn't though

butisthismyname · 18/12/2012 10:57

I have a disability too, and my mother spent my entire childhood pretending it wasn't there (difficult to explain where I was the 30+ times I was in hospital...) It made me feel ashamed and unclean in a way. That's why I encourage dd to talk about hers and not be ashamed to show it - not obviously of course, but if it 'shows', discuss it with people - if they ask!

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 18/12/2012 11:01

My DD doesnt have the understanding that she is different..except maybe when people ask about her in front of her or even laugh at her

threesocksfullofchocs · 18/12/2012 11:04

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine good point.
I would have to talk about my dd's sn infront of her. Xmas Hmm

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 18/12/2012 11:04

Put it this way..if you had a toddler who kicked off or a child who was behaving badly would you like random members of the public to constantly comment and quiz you about it..or just to get on with your life
I explain about DD if its necessary. Not ashamed of her just want to live life without being asked about her behaviour by strangers and random children.

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 18/12/2012 11:05

Yes its not pleasant to do is it threesocks

threesocksfullofchocs · 18/12/2012 11:16

dd is not an educational tool for other peoples kids.
there are loads of ways they can find out about disabilities without asking strangers.

MummytoKatie · 18/12/2012 11:23

My ex boyfriend had lost the tip of his middle finger in a sailing accident. He preferred it when people asked than they wonde red. When people ge'd known for months / years asked it used to bother him as he'd be wondering if they'd spent all that time wondering and trying to work up the courage.

But different people react differently to things. About 8 years ago my dh got a (temporary but very distressing) form of partial paralysis. He couldn't bear sympathy but would make and encourage others to make really silly jokes about it.

A really close friend of mine had a similar thing happen a couple of years later. One time, without thinking about it, I made a "suitable for dh" silly joke about it. She wasn't too bothered but all our mutual friends were horrified. Made me realise that there is no "right thing to do" in these kinds of circumstances.

Ifyoulike · 18/12/2012 11:24

I think there is a difference between approaching/using someone as an educational tool (eg. approaching them solely because you are interested in their disability),

and having the disability come up as a side issue of being interested in the person and wanting to interact with them.

Children in particular tend to approach lots of different people and ask them obvious questions (because they are learning to be interested in other people and interact with them).

If you have an obvious disability, it just so happens that many children will comment on this first (but they'd probably move on to other conversations once that initial curiousity was satisfied, or come back and interact in other ways given the opportunity)... ie. they're interested in the person.

It must be tiring and emotion-wearing to get the same questions again and again, but I think anyone who has a distinguishing feature of any kind is likely to experience repetitive questions from children (in my case, its 'why are you so fat?) joy! Smile