To think DD was right to ask?

[Jingleflobba]

Went to a Christmas party yesterday, really busy (think village hall packed to the rafters type) with the DC's and ended up bumping i to an old friend who we had lost touch with. We chatted for a while, admired each others new babies etc then went on mingling and watching our DC's so I didn't get to see her again apart from a quick goodbye as we left.
DD is 7, very inquisitive and likes babies so she spent a bit of time playing with friends baby at the party.
After we got home we were talking about the afternoon and she told me & DH that "baby X has a strawberry mark". She does, it's quite noticeable. DH asked her how she knew what it was called and DD said that she had asked my friend about it. DH thinks she was rude to mention it at all but I think she was right. She wouldn't have asked in a rude "ewww what's that?" Type of way, just very factual wanting to know about it. According to DD she just said "what has she got on her head?"
Is DH right and she was being rude or is it preferable to just staring at it (which I saw quite a lot of when talking to my friend).
I should add that I didn't mention it as my friend got in there first

DD1 had a huge strawberry mark between her eyes, about the size of a fist and she got stared at all the time by kids and adults. Out of all the reactions we got - and there was a very big range - the ones I never minded and even enjoyed were the straightforward questions from either adults or kids. Kids would ask what it was, why she had it, was she born with it and would it go away. never minded answering any of those at all. Contrast that to a trip to Prague when she was small - we actually met women who would cross themselves when they saw her!

Some people are saying even if you dont like being approached you should welcome it so you can educate or because others dont mind. Why should you welcome it if you dont like it

You don't have to welcome it, but I don't think its fair to call the other person rude for doing it (not saying you are personally).

Its not rude but it is intrusive. If you would discourage your child from asking someone about their weight or about a toddlers behaviour if they had a tantrum I think the same should apply to questioning people with disabilities. Just teach your kids to accept others for who they are and answer questions later.

I don't know about this. I was born with odd legs, and as a teenager, I used to be mortified when people asked me about it, other children or adults. It made me vey shy. I didn't understand - and still don't really - why its anyone's business. I generally cover my legs but, on holidays, I continually get questions from adults asking what happened? Its a rare condition. Not something anyone would have heard of or can help with so why ask? Nosey I think. Kids are different but then they don't tend to ask me.
My daughter has a birthmark on her shoulder, and I can feel myself tensing up when people ask about it. I am not sure how best to react.

Fanjo

I don't personally think it is any more intrusive than any personal questions children tend to ask (and granted, some people will find all questions intrusive).

I also think its not a bad thing to discourage children from asking questions if you see that it actually is upsetting someone (but in the other two examples you gave - about weight, or tantrumming, my feelings are the same, I don't think of them any differently).

However, I don't think it should be assumed that all people don't want questions asked of them, or do find this intrusive (regardless of the reason). I don't personally like being reminded that I'm overweight, but I don't mind children asking because I know they don't mean anything by it, and I like interacting with them.

I'm sorry that you do find it intrusive, and I think certainly when another person's preferences come to light, it is polite to respect them and teach your children to, but people's preferences are all different.

I just don't want to have children hustled away from us in the bloody street like I'm unclean.

Well..personally if I know SOME people might find something intrusive/upsetting, I don't do it, and would teach my kids not to.

But that would mean virtually no conversation with anyone, ever. Because some people don't like being approached at all, for any reason, because they are shy, or social-phobic, and they find any interaction intrusive.

Does that literally mean we should never speak to anyone just in case? And also teach our children not to?

That is slightly different from asking strangers nosey personal questions, the answer to which is none of your business, surely

I might say "hello" to someone in a shop, I don't say "why are you fat?" "why are you grumpy"

When it comes to adults, I'd agree (and personally only ask more and more questions over time as I get to know someone, and can judge what they're comfortable talking about).

But I'm mostly focusing on children's behaviour, and innocent friendly interactive behaviour at that, not the kind of children who'll point and laugh or call names for example.

Little kids fine, but children surely should be taught manners as they grow up.

But as an adult you know the answers to the questions more, or you know that its socially unacceptable to comment, children haven't developed this understanding yet and we shouldn't stop them asking questions (as long as they do so in a polite way)

When I was about 3 I asked a friend of my dads "why is your face brown but your hands white" - as an adult that would be a rude comment, as a child it was natural curiosity and he answered very politely.

And you're right, I agree that it is different... I'm just pointing out the logic that if some people don't like something, none of us should do it, doesn't really hold.

"But as an adult you know the answers to the questions more, or you know that its socially unacceptable to comment, children haven't developed this understanding yet and we shouldn't stop them asking questions (as long as they do so in a polite way) "

They can ask their parents about the person later. its not like it will harm them to learn to wait a bit.

The children quizzing me the other day were about 8, it was innocent but felt awful to me.

The thing is that not everyone thinks that asking questions, even personal questions is rude... its more about the context in which its asked.

Ideally you ask the least sensitive sorts of questions first (Hello, how are you? chat about the weather, etc), and over time develop a relationship that allows you to gauge what the person is happy talking about.

However, that kind of interaction is all too sophisticated for young children, albeit yes they should be taught it as they grow older. I just don't think its right to describe their naturally inquisitive behaviour as rude and/or unwelcome by all.

Children don't work in that way though, if they are curious they want to know now and will have moved onto thinking about something else later.

i donr think pointing and whispering or asking were the only two options and while a 7 year okd can get away with it... it could be very hurtful from an older child. i wouldn't have made your dd feel bad, but would have explained that next time she keep quiet. you really do not get ask whatever yiu like of people

It is to be endured if they are very young but will never welcome or love it

I do feel for you Fanjo, and I would be the first to whip my child away and apologise if I saw they were interacting with someone in a way that wasn't welcomed and enjoyed by the other person.

I just think it would be just as hurtful to many other people who do like talking about themselves (diabilities and all), and who enjoy the opportunity to educate others. By no means should everyone be expected to enjoy these things, but I don't think it would be right to treat everyone as if they didn't.

Like most things, I think we have to judge the situation at the time, and respect what we can see of the other person's preferences/feelings.

"I just think it would be just as hurtful to many other people who do like talking about themselves (diabilities and all), and who enjoy the opportunity to educate others"

I beg to differ. I am sure they don't feel like they wished floor would swallow them up if someone doesn't question them

I think its perfectly acceptable for the person being asked to simply answer "if you ask your parents they can explain" or even "sorry, I would rather not talk about it" if doing so makes them feel uncomfortable.

Also, children they are where it is acceptable to ask will most likely to with an adult who should remove them if it is obvious the person doesn't like talking about it or the child's questioning is turning into the spanish inquisition.

Not in that way Fanjo, but there are people who have commented here who have said they do find it distressing when children are afraid to approach them/talk to them, or are prevented from doing so by their parents.

There are also people who have said they found it more distressing to experience their disability being 'the elephant in the room', and much prefer honest, open communication about it.

Young children won't be able to get the nuances of when it is appropriate to talk to someone about their disability, unless you give them the message that you never talk about disability, which can then give them and others the impression that it is something to be ashamed of, and taboo.

When they get older, they begin to be able to be taught in a more well-rounded way, but at young ages its all black and white.

At a young age, no, but 8 year olds should know.

I don't agree the onus is on the person with the disability to put up or say they are uncomfortable.