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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DD was right to ask?

243 replies

Jingleflobba · 17/12/2012 10:59

Went to a Christmas party yesterday, really busy (think village hall packed to the rafters type) with the DC's and ended up bumping i to an old friend who we had lost touch with. We chatted for a while, admired each others new babies etc then went on mingling and watching our DC's so I didn't get to see her again apart from a quick goodbye as we left.
DD is 7, very inquisitive and likes babies so she spent a bit of time playing with friends baby at the party.
After we got home we were talking about the afternoon and she told me & DH that "baby X has a strawberry mark". She does, it's quite noticeable. DH asked her how she knew what it was called and DD said that she had asked my friend about it. DH thinks she was rude to mention it at all but I think she was right. She wouldn't have asked in a rude "ewww what's that?" Type of way, just very factual wanting to know about it. According to DD she just said "what has she got on her head?"
Is DH right and she was being rude or is it preferable to just staring at it (which I saw quite a lot of when talking to my friend).
I should add that I didn't mention it as my friend got in there first

OP posts:

elliejjtiny · 18/12/2012 18:26

Although I did feel a bit pathetic today when I was at the school disco and DS2 was screaming because of the noise, DS1 was wailing because I wouldn't buy him blue sugary crap and I had DS3 strapped to my front which made dealing with them and making a swift exit tricky! I don't think anyone judged though

whathasthecatdonenow · 18/12/2012 18:27

Can we not just interact as people? Does anyone have a right to know about other people's disabilities? If you had high blood pressure, would you expect to have to tell people all about it in the name of education? Is it so impossible to just have a 'normal' interaction with someone with a disability, without the disability being mentioned? Pointing and staring are rude, but that doesn't mean that it is less rude to just flat out ask what is 'wrong' with someone.

People with disabilities are just that: people.

Ifyoulike · 18/12/2012 18:28

Picadilly

No one has to give an answer they don't want to.

No one has to continue a conversation they don't want to.

It is unreasonable to avoid any/every topic of conversation that might upset someone.

PiccadillyCervix · 18/12/2012 18:28

You would be very angry if people didn't think they could ask overweight people why they were fat? .

Right, I'm off.

PiccadillyCervix · 18/12/2012 18:29

You can't see that something life changig might be more upsetting for someone than say, a remark about the weather? Really?

Ifyoulike · 18/12/2012 18:31

The phrasing ' what is wrong with someone?' is definitely rude and should be pulled up on, because it reflects thinking all people should be a certain way.

But asking people with disabilities about their disabilities is part of treating them like human beings.

Children will pick out the most obvious and/or unfamiliar thing about anyone/everyone, and ask about it, because they are curious about people in general and want to get to know them better.

Ifyoulike · 18/12/2012 18:33

I'm talking about children here, not adults (who I do expect to at least form a relationship with me first).

I've made all my points as clearly as I can on this thread, and am simply now starting to repeat myself.

My views are genuine and heartfelt, and are a result of taking on board the views of many different people living with disability. If I encountered more people telling me what you are telling me here (rather than the opposite), I would modify my behaviour again.

Ifyoulike · 18/12/2012 18:36

"You would be very angry if people didn't think they could ask overweight people why they were fat?"

I would be very angry if children who innocently and genuinely wanted to ask me a question about why I am the way I am (overweight), felt they couldn't, or were scolded by their parents for doing so.

Because that really does make me feel like a freak. Thats the truth.

whathasthecatdonenow · 18/12/2012 18:38

I would expect a child to be told that it is inappropriate to ask a stranger any sort of personal questions.

Ifyoulike · 18/12/2012 18:49

The difference between having a friendly conversation, and asking personal questions is very subjective.

I do teach my children to try to gauge whether the person they want to talk to, wants to talk or continue to talk with them, and to respect that.

I'm also not a parent that just ignores them and leaves them to it. I'm always within close listening and 'grabbing away if necessary' distance. And I always keep a close eye on the signals the other person is giving off.

WinkyTwinglet · 18/12/2012 19:01

OP - your story brings back a horrible childhood moment for me. My mother's close friend brought her baby to our house and I pointed to the large strawberry mark on the babies elbow and told the mother that the baby had injured herself. I remember being worried at the time that no-one else may have noticed. Both my parents were very embarrassed at the time and very angry afterwards because I 'should have known not to ask because it was rude'. How I should have known this I have no idea and whether it really was rude when motivated by good intentions is a point I would argue.

whathasthecatdonenow · 18/12/2012 19:02

If you know the person with a disability then you can judge whether they are okay with talking about it or not. If you don't know them, it is rude. If a stranger began talking to me about any aspect of my appearance or health I would find it rude. If you were the parent of a child doing that I'd expect you to teach your child some manners.

threesocksfullofchocs · 18/12/2012 19:04

"But they are always entitled to ask."
no they are not.
no one is entitled to ask someone why they are disabled.
no one is entitled ot ask my dd or me questions.
yes some people are happy to be asked.
but some are not.
why should my dd have to put up with this?
why should anyone.

threesocksfullofchocs · 18/12/2012 19:06

just have to add.
one of my ds's pet hates is anone who asks what is "wrong" with dd....
they get a non polite reply as there is nothing wrong with her.

waitingforgodot · 18/12/2012 19:19

Agree with what threesocks is saying. I think it's all about teaching your children decorum.

MistletoeAndTomHardyPlease · 18/12/2012 19:21

My DD has a facial birthmark, children are always very polite and tactfully ask about it.

Sadly its the ADULTS who say 'urgh whats that/ has she been burnt/ whats up with her face?'

Peachy · 18/12/2012 19:41

I'm happy to be asked about the boys

With kids, I won;t worry about wording, with adults I am with 3socks: what's wrong with... excuse me? wrong? However, a simple question or 'does he have ASD' is fine, to me anyway, we're all different. And of course whilst some kids have obvious sn, I;d ratehr people realised mine ahve it than assume I a bad mother or theya re awfully behaved.

devilishmangerdanger · 18/12/2012 19:43

I'm obviously last to the party here, however my DD used to have a huge birthmark on her lip. It was that bad she was under the hospital for it. I tried to keep a dummy in her mouth to cover it for years when out and about, which at times was impossible. Lots of people used to make comments, has she bit her lip, has she fell down and hurt her mouth etc etc Personally although still not happy it was highlighted, I'd prefer adults and kids to ask rather than making assumptions. HTH x

So if anyone wants to fill me in on the bun fight to save me reading feel free

devilishmangerdanger · 18/12/2012 19:44

((((hugs)))) Misletoe agree totally.

Ifyoulike · 18/12/2012 19:44

threesocksfullofchocs

We're just going to have to agree to disagree on this one I'm afraid.

threesocksfullofchocs · 18/12/2012 20:55

Ifyoulike I agree. as we are both parents of dc's with disabilities

Ifyoulike · 18/12/2012 21:03

No, I don't have a child with a disability, although I do have some personal experience (wheelchair-bound through teenage years), although I wouldn't want to compare that to someone who has to deal with it for life.

And as I previously said, my views are not based on personal theory, but on the views expressed to me by the majority of people with disabilities in my acquaintance. I'm sorry you feel differently.

Themobstersknife · 18/12/2012 21:11

Ifyoulike - you cannot always be in earshot of your kids? What about when they are at school? And asking someone disfigured like me what is wrong with them when the someone who fees like me and doesn't want to talk about it. You cannot drag them away. Or have I misunderstood?

Ifyoulike · 18/12/2012 21:21

Because I know I cannot always be able to have them in earshot, I do teach them to be sensitive to people's reactions, and to leave them alone if they don't seem like they want to talk. But when I am able to, I do monitor them carefully.

I would also pull them up very quickly on phrasing like "whats wrong with you?" and would/have explained that just because you don't understand something doesn't make it wrong.

Questions like "why do you sit in that chair?" or "what is that mark?" however, I wouldn't reprimand them for, just tell them to stop asking and leave the person alone if they don't want to talk about it.

threesocksfullofchocs · 18/12/2012 22:09

my mistake I assumed as you seem to have such strong ideas on this. you had a child with sn

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