Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

To think DD was right to ask?

243 replies

Jingleflobba · 17/12/2012 10:59

Went to a Christmas party yesterday, really busy (think village hall packed to the rafters type) with the DC's and ended up bumping i to an old friend who we had lost touch with. We chatted for a while, admired each others new babies etc then went on mingling and watching our DC's so I didn't get to see her again apart from a quick goodbye as we left.
DD is 7, very inquisitive and likes babies so she spent a bit of time playing with friends baby at the party.
After we got home we were talking about the afternoon and she told me & DH that "baby X has a strawberry mark". She does, it's quite noticeable. DH asked her how she knew what it was called and DD said that she had asked my friend about it. DH thinks she was rude to mention it at all but I think she was right. She wouldn't have asked in a rude "ewww what's that?" Type of way, just very factual wanting to know about it. According to DD she just said "what has she got on her head?"
Is DH right and she was being rude or is it preferable to just staring at it (which I saw quite a lot of when talking to my friend).
I should add that I didn't mention it as my friend got in there first

OP posts:

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey · 17/12/2012 17:40

Of course I don't like being called fat, but it's the truth (but not for much longer ).

But the point I am making is that I have no control over what you tell your DD about me or my disabilities and I worry that it's inaccurate. The episode I mentioned earlier in relation to my mum was not a one off, just the most memorable.

If you don't want your DD to make people feel uncomfortable, then why not ask me yourself. One of my disabilities is hearing and I long ago developed the ability to read body language accurately, you'd be surprised at what you would give away, even chatting to your barber .

Renatica · 17/12/2012 17:45

I would agree with your DH.

butisthismyname · 17/12/2012 17:49

My dd has a congenital disability which is sometiomes visible. She is happy to talk to anyone who asks her about it,. but one little boy at school just kept touching her without speaking. this really annoyed her - so we discussed it with the teacher and the little boy and now he is happy to talk about it. They are both in year 2. I donlt know why he found it difficult - she's very vocal about it!

MadSleighLady · 17/12/2012 17:50

Your DH means well, but I think his approach just perpetuates the idea that there is something shameful and embarrassing about having a strawberry mark (or any other kind of physical mark/difference).

KindleMum · 17/12/2012 17:51

Actually, people used to grab my son's arm and poke his strawberry mark - that hacked me off. Questions from kids, fine. Poking at it from adults - no, should know better!

tangledupinpoo · 17/12/2012 18:00

My ds had an ng tube as a baby and I never minded children asking me what it was. I was a bit though at the adult woman who crossed the aisle in the supermarket to ask me 'what's wrong with your baby?'. Not hugely offended just a bit, you know, mind-your-own-business, lady. I did tell her though. [pushover] I reckon it was ok for your DD to ask.

EugenesAxeChoppedDownANiceTree · 17/12/2012 22:57

This always splits opinions but I have to say that if I had a child that was 'different' in any way, then I wouldn't have a problem with anyone wanting to know more about whatever it was that made them different.

MrsMushroom · 18/12/2012 04:58

I might have mentioned..I have a skin disfigurement and nobody EVER asks....I know they're thinking "What's that?". Dh's Aunty...I met for the 1s time the other day and she immediately asked...I felt liberated!

EllieArroway · 18/12/2012 05:35

My DS had a strawberry mark above his ear when he was a baby - and I wouldn't have minded at all a little girl asking me about it. Not rude in the slightest.

Unlike the parent at nursery (he still had it at 3, although it had faded and was less "puffy" by then) who said it looked like he'd had a fag stubbed out on his head

Pochemuchka · 18/12/2012 05:49

My DS also has a large strawberry mark on his face and I would not be offended at all if a 7 year old asked about it.
Far better than all the adults who say things like 'yuk, what's that?' 'What's he done to his face?' And my personal favourite 'did he get that because you drank too much red wine while pregnant?' (!) said in com

Pochemuchka · 18/12/2012 05:49

*complete seriousness

nooka · 18/12/2012 06:10

There is a young man on my bus who has something wrong with his eyes with the effect that some of his irises look white. A few weeks ago there was a little girl on the bus (probably 5 or 6) who asked him why his eyes were white. Her dad leaped in and told her off very fiercely saying that she was very wrong to ask.

It was terribly awkward and the guy was I think a bit shaken (he didn't have the opportunity to respond and I've no idea what he wodul have said as he appears to be a shy person). I really don't think it is unreasonable for children to notice difference and ask about it, so long as they are polite and friendly (which this little girl was). I've not seen her on the bus since, but I'm not sure she'd have the confidence to even smile at the guy again which just seems like a pity.

butisthismyname · 18/12/2012 08:43

The only time anyone has been ridiculous about dds ear is when she was a baby - we were at the hospital of all places - on an open day type thing and this stupid woman saw it and pulled her daughter away whispering and pointing. I just turned around and said sweetly 'it's ok, it's not catching' very loudly.

cory · 18/12/2012 08:50

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey Mon 17-Dec-12 17:40:35

"But the point I am making is that I have no control over what you tell your DD about me or my disabilities and I worry that it's inaccurate."

I think this would sum it up very well for us: dd has suffered in the past from inaccurate speculation and gossiping amongst children and parents, when a simple question would have cleared matters up.

Jingleallthejay · 18/12/2012 08:52

she is 7 she asked the mum told her she wasn't being rude at all best asking than staring at it, your DD didnt do anything wrong,

headinhands · 18/12/2012 08:59

The problem with installing children with the idea that they shouldn't ask about differences is that it supports the notion that we should feel shame about those differences.

Jingleallthejay · 18/12/2012 09:01

The problem with installing children with the idea that they shouldn't ask about differences is that it supports the notion that we should feel shame about those differences.

this

MadSleighLady · 18/12/2012 09:11

nooka raises an interesting point. Sadly some people do seem to feel that their disfigurement is a source of shame and shouldn't be mentioned - I guess they've been brought up to believe that - and do get offended. In which case, should children be gently advised not to, for their own protection?

Bunbaker · 18/12/2012 09:15

Not rude at all. DD had a tracheostomy until she was three and a half. Other children would ask why she had a tube sticking out of her neck. I didn't mind people asking - I just used to explain that it was to help her breathe.

Incidentally, it was because she had a strawberry birthmark on her vocal chord - thankfully now disappeared.

ChristmasIsAcumenin · 18/12/2012 09:16

It's fine to ask. We have this a lot with DP and the behaviour of some parents (we live just by a school) really makes me heartsick. A few months ago we were going into our house at hometime and DP was on the wheelchair lift. A few kids were gathered round watching the machinery working and their parents rushed up and SCREAMED at them to come away and stop looking and stop being rude.

It's not rude. But having people scream DON'T LOOK is both rude and absolutely horrible.

Please don't teach your children that disability is shameful. Please let them look, ask questions, speak to us like fellow humans.

Jingleallthejay · 18/12/2012 09:20

bunbaker It great she is better I didnt realise strawberry brithmarks could be so dangerous ( is that the right word).

If you have experience of disability or disfigurement then i do think you appreciate children asking question it is how they learn.

I once had this conversation with a little boy whats wrong with your leg . oh they dont work very well, does it hurt , sometimes , does it hurt now , no , oh thats good then ,
his mum bless her looked but i just said to her its ok he was just asking if you dont ask you don't know,

SummerRainIsADistantMemory · 18/12/2012 09:21

I have a very obvious scar on my face.

Kids ask all the time and it doesn't bother me at all, 7 year olds are curious creatures and you're dd obviously wasn't phased as she played happily with the baby so I can't imagine your friend was offended.

I have piercings too and kids are totally intrigued by them

googleberry · 18/12/2012 09:22

Other children ask what my daughters cochlear implant is I tell them it's not a problem and its not rude I would rather people know.

Jingleallthejay · 18/12/2012 09:26

I understand why parents shoo their children away though they dont want anybody offended but by shooing them away it is sending the wrong message , mostly unintentional, however there is still people who are ignorant to disability and difference so children asking maybe will break that cycle,

RyleDup · 18/12/2012 09:40

Not rude at all. My husband has a disability and is more than happy to talk to children about it if they ask. It sounds far far worse, and embarrassing for everyone, when parents jump in to tell the child off, however well meaning they might be trying to be. Kids need to learn.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Swipe left for the next trending thread