To think DD was right to ask?

[Jingleflobba]

Went to a Christmas party yesterday, really busy (think village hall packed to the rafters type) with the DC's and ended up bumping i to an old friend who we had lost touch with. We chatted for a while, admired each others new babies etc then went on mingling and watching our DC's so I didn't get to see her again apart from a quick goodbye as we left.
DD is 7, very inquisitive and likes babies so she spent a bit of time playing with friends baby at the party.
After we got home we were talking about the afternoon and she told me & DH that "baby X has a strawberry mark". She does, it's quite noticeable. DH asked her how she knew what it was called and DD said that she had asked my friend about it. DH thinks she was rude to mention it at all but I think she was right. She wouldn't have asked in a rude "ewww what's that?" Type of way, just very factual wanting to know about it. According to DD she just said "what has she got on her head?"
Is DH right and she was being rude or is it preferable to just staring at it (which I saw quite a lot of when talking to my friend).
I should add that I didn't mention it as my friend got in there first

I find it amazing that people feel their child is 'right' to make uncomfortable observations about people. god forbid precious be told she can't do somethung because it coulkd be hurtful.

My DD won't ever be able to talk to others about her disability BTW

it really shouldn't be fanjo. and inevitably the people who believe their children can do whatever they like will be offended when the person does say something.

Its not about the child's 'rights', at least not from my point of view.

Its about the wider knock-on effect that teaching children has on society, especially if those children are too young to really grasp all the grey areas, and nuances of what you are trying to teach them.

If they get the message that disability is one of those things "we don't talk about", thats going to have an impact on how disability is viewed in society.

Its also going to effectively gag, or alienate people with disabilities who do want to talk about it, because other people will squirm and get uncomfortable (due to messages received through childhood).

Its very tricky this, I'm on the fence... I totally get this thing that an innocent question, without malice, from a child should be answered accurately and the child shouldn't be made to feel that a person with a disability in particular is someone to be pitied or to avoid talking about. That makes perfect sense.
And yet, as Fanjo shows, not everyone necessarily wants to be asked really direct questions about their birthmark, or their weight or the way they walk or why they are crying.
And in reality there's a sliding scale isn't there? A six year old, asking, with wide eyes "why have you got that on your arm?" is unlikely to cause serious offence to anyone. An 11 year old saying at a party, "why are you so fat?" or "why does your husband not live with you?" is another matter altogether. We can't all say in all honesty we'd be as charmed to be asked a question that intrusive by someone on the threshold of their teens and would answer it accurately and directly. I'd want to tell them to sod off....
My dd is too young for me to have reached this dilemma. What do people think is the cut-off point? either age-related or topic related?

My DD had a noticeable birth defect on her hand. The worst thing was people noticing, eyes widening and then looking away and not mentioning it, like it was something shameful. And this was friends! I much preferred it when people just asked about it in a nice way. Children especially would just ask, as long as they asked nicely, I was absolutely fine with it.

If it was a stranger - an older child, say 9yrs and above, or an adult, I wouldn't expect it to be the first thing they said. It would be a bit odd.

I would drag DD away if she was asking questions and the person looked uncomfortable. But she is only 3 so doesn't really get the social rules yet.

For me the cutoff would be about 4

Maybe 5

I kno what you mean tas. I used to be quite pleased if anyone asked about DD's trachy. I guess the difference between DD and Fanjo's DD is that it was very obvious that DD had a medical issue because she had a tube sticking out of her neck.

With less obvious issues like behavioural ones people tend to be more judgemental and less understanding.

Yes..being asked "why is she like a baby" is not fun for me (she is 6)

I don't think this is about inadvertently making differences into a stigma through the practice of not mentioning them for fear of causing offence -better education, better facilities and promoting the idea that there isn't one correct way to be or look would be more effective and run no risk of making anyone uncomfortable.

I have a birthmark on my forehead about the size of a 10p piece.
I am quite used to younger children asking what it is/does it hurt. I say no, and ask if they want to touch it. They always do!!
I do not get offended AT ALL by children asking what it is.

I am 100% with
FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine
my dd is disabled. she is a teen, she cannot talk.
so if some child asks. I would have to discuss my dd with them infront of her.
what has it got to with them??
If I ignore them or tell them to go away.....imagine the threads on mn !!
your child you teach them. leave my dd and people like her to just get on with their lives.

But I don't think children ask questions about what they see because they think it is incorrect.

They ask about it because it is unfamiliar, and they want to familiarise themselves with it.

Education could certainly help with that, but there is no way to expose a child to every sort of disability or difference they are likely to see in real life, which means they will always run into people who have features they are curious about. And when children are curious, they ask!

I do think it is unfortunate that children's questions do upset some people, but I do not think this makes the questions rude, nor do I think children should be told to assume the person will find them rude (because a lot of people don't).

I do think its important to teach children to gauge whether the person is happy to be talking to them or not, and if not, then to respect that and leave them alone.

Again, this has nothing to do with the child's 'rights' in my view, and I find it abhorrent when people use 'rights' to basically say they will do whatever they please.

I guess I have more experience with people who hate having their obvious differences avoided and skipped about in conversation, and find this extremely alienating.

There is no way to please everybody in this situation. Some people don't want their disability mentioned and find this upsetting, others don't want it deliberately avoided as a topic and find this upsetting.

I don't believe a blanket rule of behaviour works in this situation.

threesocksfullofchocs
You should never feel like you have to discuss something with someone, nor that there is anything wrong with you for not wanting to.

"I'm sorry, I'd rather not talk about that," and changing the subject, or "I don't want to talk right now," if you feel the child is intruding by conversing at all.

As a parent, I'm always on the lookout for people who don't want to be bothered by my children (and I totally believe in respecting this), and I would immediately apologise and pull them away in the above scenario.

I wouldn't think my child was rude for asking, and I wouldn't feel you were rude for saying you'd prefer not to. That way there's no assumptions made on either side.

I agree ifyoulike

I certainly don't think making children think their natural curiosity is wrong is a good thing, and asking questions is better than being scared by someone because they are disabled.

Just teach them not to be scared by people who are disabled then!

I can't believe you would all feel the same if your child was disabled and made noises for example, and children asked "why is she making that noise" like she was some freak

Fanjo

But why do you think they think she's a freak? They are interacting with you/her like they would anybody who did something they found surprising... by asking directly about it.

They're not making any judgements about you or her by asking, they're actually being very open-minded by asking, because they acknowledge they don't know the reason, and that you are probably the best person to explain it to them.

I really am very sorry for the way it makes you feel, but there are lots of people with disabilites or children with disabilities who have commented on this thread (and who I have encountered in real life) who welcome open questions from children, and do find it hurtful to be avoided, or have the topic tiptoed around.

why should I have to explain?
they are not my child.
why should my child's day be interrupted? why should she be made to feel "different" or as Fanjo says a "freak"
why can't parents just parent their own child.

Just teach them not to be scared by people who are disabled then!

but children who don't come across people with disabilities don't know what it is or why the child is different especially when they are young are we meant to pull children away from somebody in a wheelchair , or do we say when they ask why cant that man walk, oh im not sure perhaps his legs dont work properly , then that is that, how are we supposed to teach children about accepting and acknowledging differences if they dont ask,

I can't even defend against this. I just don't like it. I don't need to argue against people doing things to me I don't like just because they think I should suck it up.

You have had my opinion. Just keep doing it if you want.

Ifyoulike you are missing the point in your post to Fanjo.
she does not have to explain why she does not want to answer children.
she is not their teacher.

can you for a moment imagine what it is like to take your child out. have them stared at, random kids asking questions, when all you want to do is normal stuff with your child.

Imagine your child couldn't do things others can. Would you like to be quizzed about it all the time? Or if they behaved badly?

Nobody is saying you should "suck it up"

There is nothing wrong with A young child politely asking, there is nothing wrong with you saying you don't want to discuss it.