To think DD was right to ask?

[Jingleflobba]

Went to a Christmas party yesterday, really busy (think village hall packed to the rafters type) with the DC's and ended up bumping i to an old friend who we had lost touch with. We chatted for a while, admired each others new babies etc then went on mingling and watching our DC's so I didn't get to see her again apart from a quick goodbye as we left.
DD is 7, very inquisitive and likes babies so she spent a bit of time playing with friends baby at the party.
After we got home we were talking about the afternoon and she told me & DH that "baby X has a strawberry mark". She does, it's quite noticeable. DH asked her how she knew what it was called and DD said that she had asked my friend about it. DH thinks she was rude to mention it at all but I think she was right. She wouldn't have asked in a rude "ewww what's that?" Type of way, just very factual wanting to know about it. According to DD she just said "what has she got on her head?"
Is DH right and she was being rude or is it preferable to just staring at it (which I saw quite a lot of when talking to my friend).
I should add that I didn't mention it as my friend got in there first

You know, sometimes a person with disabilities doesn't want to have to indulge your children asking 'what's that mark?'. Why not just teach your children that we are all different but should be equally valued, and that pointing out those differences to people you don't know is rude.

Again, my views are not based on personal theory, but on the views expressed to me by the majority of people with disabilities in my acquaintance.

Some people don't want their differences pointed out, and some people don't want them deliberately avoided in conversation.

It just so happens that the latter view is the one I have overwhelmingly encountered in people with disabilities (in over 10 years working and socialising with all kinds of people with varying conditions), and I respect their views as much as I respect the views expressed here.

I am not willing to treat everyone with a disability the same unless they unanimously express that they wish to be treated the same (ie. not have their disability referred to in conversation).

Well, I just have to say that I'm very glad that I've only made your acquaintance on an anonymous forum. If you approached me as a stranger and made comments on my appearance, health or disability I would think you beyond rude and let you know that.

I wouldn't whathasthecatdonenow because I would take the time to get to know you carefully before engaging in any in depth conversation.

And I do believe in teaching my children that over time (but its not something they can get right away), and I don't think they are being rude while they get to grips with more adult socialising.

I would apologise and remove my child immediately if someone called them rude (hasn't actually happened yet, but they're not all grown, so still some time!).

I'm also very aware that there are some people out there with whose views I will simply never be compatible with, but I have zero need to be friends with everyone.

There is a difference between not deliberately avoiding a disability and interrogating a stranger about it

Children tend to interrogate (by which I assume you mean ask lots of questions), just about everybody they come across, about any and everything that crosses their mind.

If they are taught too early (before they can really understand the whys and wherefores) that disability is off-limits for conversation, then they are deliberately avoiding it, and worse, getting the message that no one with a disability wants to talk about it, or be asked anything about it (and thats not true!)

Fanjo I agree wholeheartedly. I suppose I just like to see people as people. A person's disability is completely secondary to me, it would never occur to me upon first meeting a person to be so presumptuous as to assume they would want to discuss that with me. If they did, great, but I wouldn't like to go around upsetting people like yourself (and me) who might find their day spoilt by people thinking they are entitled to know everything about you upon making your acquaintance.

It shouldn't be that disability is off limits, it should be that you don't ask personal questions or make personal remarks to a stranger. If you know the person, fine, but why would you teach your children that it is okay to go up to a stranger and ask them questions about their appearance or health? I just don't get that.

Everything about a person is secondary to the fact that they are a human being.

However, we dont' tend to hold conversations about being human beings, we hold conversations about each other's individual experiences, and yes, differences!

I don't presume anything about what a person may or may not want to talk about. I give them the dignity of making that choice for themselves and expressing it to me (or my child) as the individual they are.

and if they are not taught early enough, they become insensitive, pushy egomaniacs.
Seriously, never too early to teach your kids some decorum. Remember we are all equal. People with disabilities have feelings too

It is the feelings of people with disabilites whom I have encountered, that I am considering, and have considered in forming my views.

'Decorum' and 'personal questions' are all very subjective, and everyone has different ideas about where the lines are drawn.

oh
I was taking it form RL experience. my childs

Indeed they do, but perhaps it might be worth teaching that to your kids before they upset a person? If I'm out with my dog, I'm happy to tell children his name, what breed he is etc. I'm less happy to be asked 'what's wrong with you?' Perhaps you could teach your children to wait until they know a person a little better before questioning a person about what could prove to be a sensitive issue.

And I am listening to, and taking on board your expressed experience (believe it or not).

I have however listened to, and taken on board, the expressed experiences and wishes of many, many people with varying disabilities.

And they don't all want the same thing!

I am quite happy to treat you the way you wish to be treated, and knowing your views, if I met you in rl I would never bring up your daughter's disability, and would instruct my children not to.

However, many people with disabilities (the majority in my acquaintance) do not want the obvious experience of children wondering about their disability, and being too afraid or mistakenly polite to simply talk to them about it human-to-human.

But when they're very little they don't tend to ask what's wrong with you, because they don't necessarily have that concept yet. IME, they ask much more concrete questions like: why has your chair got wheels/ can i press this button/ does it go up and down/ why don't you wave back?

It's much less upsetting to have a child say, "why can you ride your chair in the cafe when I can't ride my bike" than have people hissing "DON'T LOOK!!" and dragging their children away, which honestly makes me feel like we are somehow obscene.

I think maybe physical and cognitive disabilities are pretty different in this way and the conflict here is coming from those different experiences.

I know that a child asking in as polite a way as they can manage is better than having their parents making a scene, but that doesn't make asking acceptable IMO. Staring is rude, making a scene is insensitive, asking personal questions is also bad manners.

"I am quite happy to treat you the way you wish to be treated....". OP that should go without saying.

I suspect that PART of your motivation for starting this thread is that you're cross with your DH for disagreeing with you. If you're serious about encouraging a healthy attitude to differences between people perhaps you could help with work to make more people with special needs or noticeable differences more visible in the media.

Just to clarify, I'm the one who said that chocoluvva, in case you were getting me mixed up with the OP (don't think she's been back for a while).

Oh .
Sorry.

Well, I'm very glad that everyone who notices my son's prominent facial difference doesn't ask him about it. How tiresome would that be?

He doesn't feel the need to explain. He's not embarrassed if someone asks - just slightly irritated by having the same question put to him for the umpteenth time. When people are obviously staring he'll stare pointedly back at them if he's not feeling tolerant. The starers, like him with his facial difference are in the minority.