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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD was right to ask?

243 replies

Jingleflobba · 17/12/2012 10:59

Went to a Christmas party yesterday, really busy (think village hall packed to the rafters type) with the DC's and ended up bumping i to an old friend who we had lost touch with. We chatted for a while, admired each others new babies etc then went on mingling and watching our DC's so I didn't get to see her again apart from a quick goodbye as we left.
DD is 7, very inquisitive and likes babies so she spent a bit of time playing with friends baby at the party.
After we got home we were talking about the afternoon and she told me & DH that "baby X has a strawberry mark". She does, it's quite noticeable. DH asked her how she knew what it was called and DD said that she had asked my friend about it. DH thinks she was rude to mention it at all but I think she was right. She wouldn't have asked in a rude "ewww what's that?" Type of way, just very factual wanting to know about it. According to DD she just said "what has she got on her head?"
Is DH right and she was being rude or is it preferable to just staring at it (which I saw quite a lot of when talking to my friend).
I should add that I didn't mention it as my friend got in there first Smile

OP posts:
dixiechick1975 · 17/12/2012 12:51

I think your daughter was correct to ask.

My 6yr old was born without her hand.

A question - why haven't you got a hand - answer I was born like that is much better than being stared at or screamed at (teenage girl in Asda I will never forget you).

KindleMum · 17/12/2012 12:52

One of my kids has one on their forearm and I've never been offended by young children asking about it. Occasionally fed up of the questions but never offended, they're kids, of course they ask.

Have however been offended by MIL who said we should always keep him in long sleeves so no-one could see it and that it should never be visible in photos. Told her quite firmly that she was wrong and I would be doing nothing of the sort as that would imply shame and give the child a complex. Also told her that I would not filter photos sent to her, she'd get what we picked and if she didn't like them, then that was her problem.

Bramshott · 17/12/2012 12:56

I think it's absolutely fine for a 7 yr old to ask, but equally it's probably not acceptable for say, a 12 year old to ask about something like that. So what your DH is doing is just raising the possibility with DD that she might want to think about that sort of thing in future.

sashh · 17/12/2012 12:57

Kids ask questions.

I had a 5 or 6 year old ask "Mummy why does that lady have a walking stick?"

Mum started to get flustered

I just said "One of my legs doesn't work properly", I would probably feel different if it was an adult.

Original poster
Jingleflobba · 17/12/2012 13:05

I'm quite shocked by some of the comments posters have received from other people!
Bramhall I take your point, younger children do kind of get away with asking questions like that, my DS is 12 and would more than likely ask me or DH about something like that rather than asking directly. Having said that by the age of 12 they have usually been exposed to more of life and understand better anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jingleflobba · 17/12/2012 13:06

Bramshot sorry, tiredness is kicking in along with the inability to read...

OP posts:
NannyEggn0gg · 17/12/2012 13:15

Blimey Kindlemum, don't know what your MiL would have said to a friend of mine. Her DC had a v. prominant strawberry mark that distorted the mouth.
Try covering that up...
(And mum was always happy to answer civil questions about it)

gabsid · 17/12/2012 13:15

How is you dd going to find out about things? If she asks politely she will be informed (first hand) and will know what it is and not worry.

If she didn't she may even try and stay away because she might think its contagious or god knows what. All sorts of odd and cruel things happen out of ignorance.

VisualiseAHorse · 17/12/2012 13:19

Not rude at all. Kids need to know these things sometimes, and I bet the mum prefers that people just ask instead of staring.

KindleMum · 17/12/2012 13:22

NannyEggnOgg - she'd probably have suggested a burka! We don't exactly get on - she's one of those who criticises endlessly and doesn't recognise anyone else's right to an opinion. She knows everything about everything and believes herself to be extremely well-mannered. (she is fairly posh, she certainly isn't well-mannered!)

PurpleCrutches · 17/12/2012 13:22

I don't think she was rude.

DeWe · 17/12/2012 13:22

My daughter was born without a hand, and she would vastly prefer someone asking than the nudges and stares she tends to get from 7yos and older. They think it's rude to ask, so don't, but it doesn't seem to occur to them that whispering, and nudging and trying to see by moving round and occasionally trying to push her sleeve up, is far worse. Hmm

MammaTJ · 17/12/2012 13:23

My DS has a condition called ptosis, damage to the nerve and muscle in one of his eyelids, so it droops. I never mind when children (or adults for that matter) ask in the right way.

She was not being rude at all.

Pourquoimoi · 17/12/2012 13:37

I agree, no harm in asking as long as it was in an inquisitive and not a "yuk, what's that?!?" way.

DS1 had unusual features on his face (very specific so would out me) but has since has surgery so no longer looks unusual, but we never minded people asking as long as it was polite.

In the same way as I didn't feel embarrassed when my kids asked why x woman had a wheelchair and always answered with a simple but factual explanation, I.e. because their legs don't work as well and they find it difficult to walk (or whatever was appropriate).

EssexGurl · 17/12/2012 14:00

My DD had one on her head and no hair to cover it. I much preferred it when people asked about it rather than just nosily looking and chatting about it to friends. I think your DD was right to ask.

It is sad when people feel constricted in not asking and avoiding any sort of disability. I remember once my DS (about 2) went up and said hello to a family with a very disabled child in a wheelchair. The mum asked him why he had come up and he told her that the child had waved at him (I think it was just uncontrolled muscle movement tbh) and he wanted to say hello back. The mum said to me as they walked past that that was one of the nicest things to have happened when she was out with her child. Usually they just got the stares and avoided glances.

elliejjtiny · 17/12/2012 14:16

My DS2 is a wheelchair user and I much prefer people asking questions rather than just staring or muttering. I did find it quite funny though when one woman looked at him in horror and asked me in a hushed whisper why he had to wear a protective suit when he was wearing his stig costume!

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey · 17/12/2012 14:29

I am another person who would prefer a straightforward matter of fact question to having people nudging and whispering in the background, as would my mum (she has a different problem).

All too often, people with disabilities or some form of disfigurement are treated as if they have to hide away in shame. If factual explanations and chats with children go towards reducing prejudice, then I'll happily keep on talking with children.

Kids tend to be direct, but once they have their explanation they tend to accept it without any of the "ewwww" factor at all.

I think your DH is wrong.

InNeedOfBrandyButter · 17/12/2012 14:47

Going against the majority here... I think 7 is old enough to know asking about things like birthmarks moles lazy eyes bad teeth physical disability ect ect can be rude and should of asked you or her dad if she had questions.

Changeforthrday · 17/12/2012 14:48

Kids usually just gawp. Good for your DD to ask an intelligent question!

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey · 17/12/2012 14:52

Brandy, the only rudeness is in the manner of asking. And in any case, what makes you think the child's parents have the answers? I say this because when I was a child, a classmate came up to me talking about my mum's problem. It turned out his dad had told him something about why mum was as she was (and still is) that was totally inaccurate and even hurtful.

Far better to ask the affected person directly.

Greensleeves · 17/12/2012 14:52

ds2 has a strawberry mark on his face which has now involuted to the point where it is just a bit of baggy skin and a few red flecks

when he was a baby it grew to the point where it was almost black and the size of a golf ball

Children asking frankly about it NEVER bothered us. The children who asked always seemed to be lovely children who weren't going to be mean. Children who were mean never approached us to ask, they were just mean - and I think we only had 2 or 3 of those.

I know it sounds sappy, but I think adults could learn something from children about what is actually offensive here. What would you rather have if your child had a facial disfigurement - a child asking "what is that?" or an adult muttering "look what she's done to that poor baby, it's a disgrace"?

TELL DH NOT TO BE SO STUFFY!

TinselTwister · 17/12/2012 15:00

Dp has quite a few, on his chin, shoulder, chest, and one on his neck that unfortunately looks just like a lovebite! He never minds anyone asking, he prefers that to the people who stare, and very occassionally (usually at the swimming pool or on the beach) point at them. Your dd is 7, and asked an innocent question, I am sure your friend wouldn't have minded.

InNeedOfBrandyButter · 17/12/2012 15:01

How is a 7 yr old supposed to differentiate between being ok to ask about a birthmark or asking why someone's so fat, or why their face is so red? I have a blanket rule on all point out the difference comments as I don't feel my dc 5 an 6 have the understanding to be able to judge what's acceptable. For instance I was so pleased with my ds the other day, we went to the barbers and the boy in front had some sort of facial disfigurement which was very very noticeable, I could see he wanted to know but he kept quiet till we got home. I'm pleased because the poor boy must get hassled about it every single day andy ds didn't start poking him and asking what's wrong with him.

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey · 17/12/2012 17:25

Why am I fat? I eat to much with too little exercise.
Why is my face red? I have Roseacea, a skin condition that means I blush very easily.
Birthmark? not visible although my tattoos are sometimes.

I have no problem answering any of the questions, but I can say that if you can see that a little boy is wanting answers then please be assured that I can read kids too, and know they want to know something. I also know that you're going to talk to your kids later about it because your body language will also give you away and I'd prefer the child had something factual and accurate from me, rather than leave it up to you to explain, since I don't know what you'll say and can't be sure it's accurate.

InNeedOfBrandyButter · 17/12/2012 17:30

Yes of course people like being called fat how silly of me turkey Hmm

And yes the body language of me reading the paper and having a coffee while chatting to the barber. Maybe you should have been at the situation before you assume? How can you assume I wouldn't know what I'm talking about?

But horses for courses just my dc would get a telling off for being rude and making others feel uncomfortable.

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