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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? So upset.

207 replies

Sookeh · 25/10/2012 19:05

DH has been offered a very well paying job in America. Triple what he earns now in a beautiful city. We want to go. Life has been awful for the last two years and we see it as a new start for all of us. DS is 21MO DD is 4.

Having told my DM a few weeks ago to prepare her I've had to call and tell her he's been offered the job. She's told me if I try and take the DC's away from her she'll end up in a mental hospital or kill herself. She's told me she's too afraid to fly and visit us and that it will destroy her to lose her only two GC. I've told her we'll come back often but she then says in lying.

I know she was bound to be upset but I know we need to do this, for our financial future and for lots of other reasons. We never have enough money and DH will never get a leg up on the career ladder if we don't do it.

AIBU to expect her to be more supportive? Just a little? I hate how unhappy I'm making her but just don't know what to do for the best.

Go gently on me please, in feeling really fragile Sad

OP posts:
Shutupanddrive · 25/10/2012 19:07

Of course YANBU, hopefully she will be more reasonable when she has calmed down and thought about it

Raspberrysorbet · 25/10/2012 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ViviPru · 25/10/2012 19:09

Is she rather unstable, generally?

Original poster
Sookeh · 25/10/2012 19:09

She's been like this for three weeks Sad

She has said it's my fault for letting her get too attached to her grandchildren.

I just hate that it's upset her so much when I'm just trying to do what's right for my children and DH.

OP posts:
Convert · 25/10/2012 19:09

She is being selfish. Write a nice card/letter/email explaining that you love here very much but you have to do this for xyz reasons. Offer to set up skpe for her so she can have lots of time chatting to you and the DCs. Tell her you plan nto come home for so long every x months but also explain that you have to do this and you need her help and support and you will not be emotionally blackmailed by her because this is something you have to do and you hope she will be excited for you and the kids to have such a fantastic experience.
Good luck x

TotallyEggFlipped · 25/10/2012 19:10

YANBU and you shouldn't Klerk her stop you. She's being manipulative and your first priority should be your children and DH.

Original poster
Sookeh · 25/10/2012 19:10

She is unstable generally yes, but I just wanted her to be my mum and support me in this because I'm terrified. I didn't think she would make me feel like this.

OP posts:
HeinousHecate · 25/10/2012 19:10

She is attempting to emotionally blackmail you. She is manipulating you.

i can suggest loads of things you could say to her, but the most important thing is that you don't let her attempts to manipulate you stop you from doing what is right for your family.

She isn't going to kill herself. She isn't going to end up in a mental hospital. She is being manipulative and cruel.

I suggest that you proceed with your plans, continue to list all the ways in which you will ensure she maintains a relationship with you and the children (skype, webcam, visits home, etc) and just don't fall for the 'I'll stick my head in the oven' crap.

Tell her that if that is her choice, then of course you will be sad and miss her, but you're still going.

I can't stand people who try to manipulate others like this.

Dogsmom · 25/10/2012 19:10

I understand she's gutted but she is overreacting, it's so easy to keep in touch now with Skype and although it's not the same as seeing people in 'real life' it's a good second best.

I'm sure once she sees that you haven't dropped off the planet she'll get used to it.

jaffacake2 · 25/10/2012 19:10

Go,this is your life and you need to take opportunities as they arise. Your mum is in her own way saying how much she loves you all but she needs to accept that love needs to be unselfish. For if she continues like this she will destroy the relationship,suffocating love is destructive especially with emotional blackmail.
Talk to her,put dates on the calender when you might be able to visit UK with the children.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 25/10/2012 19:11

YANBU

I can see why she's so upset but she's being really unfair to lay such a guilt trip on you, especially threatening suicide Sad

Do you think she means it or is she just trying to manipulate you? Either way if she says it again then call in professional help. Either she's serious in which case shell need it or she's not and it might stop her being so dramatic

Try to be understanding of her but don't let her dictate your future, you have your DH and dc's to think of too

puds11 · 25/10/2012 19:12

Its your life not hers. Go, if she misses them that much she will get over her fear and fly out to see them.

Raspberrysorbet · 25/10/2012 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sookeh · 25/10/2012 19:13

I don't think she means it but I can't be sure, she's threatened it before once or twice.

OP posts:
elfycat · 25/10/2012 19:14

YANBU to be upset.

You need to do what is best for you, DH and DC and if it's a job in America then go.

You expected her to be upset, and of course she is. She had gone too far in her response though. It is never OK to try to emotionally blackmail someone with threats of this kind. Hopefully she'll realise she's gone to far and stop doing it.

I'm not sure you can expect her support for you moving away, I know my DP and DPIL wouldn't support us if we reactivated the Canada-plan, but they wouldn't try to stop us either.

ViviPru · 25/10/2012 19:14

Do you have sibling(s) you could seek support form?

HeinousHecate · 25/10/2012 19:14

Threatened it in order to make people do what she wants them to do?

How many times have these threats become a serious attempt?

akaemmafrost · 25/10/2012 19:15

Sorry, call me selfish but this nonsense would not even be the slightest factor in my decision making process.

What an amazing opportunity for you all Smile. Go for it and don't look back.

SugariceAndScary · 25/10/2012 19:15

I'm sorry that you're having to cope with this stress from your Mother when really you should be thrilled at such a fantastic opportunity and being excited.

You should carry on as planned with the move and she will have to come around, there's no way you will change on account of her and you must not let her emotionally blackmail you otherwise.

Keep talking to her, be supportive of her fears but stay firm in your belief that this move is right for you.

Have a wonderful time, it sounds fab and think of your children. It'll be brilliant and don't back down. [hgrin] What an adventure, your children will thrive!

glastocat · 25/10/2012 19:15

Oh you poor thing! She is being very selfish. I am also emigrating soon ( even further away, to oz) and my mum has given me her blessing despite the fact that I am her only child, taking away her only grandchild. She isn't exactly delighted about it, but she says that my family , as in my husband and son, are the most important thing, and I must do what is best for us. This is normal I think, anyway I am very grateful she is being like this as leaving family and friends is hard enough without emotional blackmail like this. You must go to America, it is best for your family, your mum will come round in time hopefully.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 25/10/2012 19:16

Your mother is being very selfish. She won't kill herself over this, that's not how it works.

changeforthebetter · 25/10/2012 19:16

Though I would be devastated if my DCs were to emigrate it's what people have been doing forever - otherwise we would all live in Tanzania and it would be getting a tad crowded! I think you have to tough this one out. I might be inclined to speak to her GP. They won't tell you anything but it might help them to help her. How old is your mum. My dad has been travelling to see kids and grandkids for 20 years and he's in his 80s now. There is lots of help at airports - escorts, wheelchair help if she is older. V excited for you

Original poster
Sookeh · 25/10/2012 19:16

She's never attempted.

My brother and sister will be there for her but it's the GC she cares about really, it wouldn't be an issue if it was just DH and I going.

OP posts:
financialwizard · 25/10/2012 19:17

Sookeh my Mum is just like yours. It is emotional blackmail. Do what is right for your family.

It sounds like your Mum needs counselling, I know mine does.

(((HUGS))) it is horrible living with a Mum like that because if you are anything like me you constantly doubt yourself.

ContinentalKat · 25/10/2012 19:19

Tell her how disappointed you are at her being so selfish and obviously not wanting the best for her gc who she claims to love so much!

Of course it's distressing for you to see your mum in such a state, but I would really give it to her straight: you are going, you will set her up with Skype and come and visit and that is that. She can either come round and make the most of it or lose you by acting like a spoilt, manipulative brat.

We have moved around a fair bit and my mother tried to guilt-trip me, too. I am not having it and she has learnt that we choose to live our life how we want and not according to what suits her.