AIBU? So upset.

[Sookeh]

DH has been offered a very well paying job in America. Triple what he earns now in a beautiful city. We want to go. Life has been awful for the last two years and we see it as a new start for all of us. DS is 21MO DD is 4.

Having told my DM a few weeks ago to prepare her I've had to call and tell her he's been offered the job. She's told me if I try and take the DC's away from her she'll end up in a mental hospital or kill herself. She's told me she's too afraid to fly and visit us and that it will destroy her to lose her only two GC. I've told her we'll come back often but she then says in lying.

I know she was bound to be upset but I know we need to do this, for our financial future and for lots of other reasons. We never have enough money and DH will never get a leg up on the career ladder if we don't do it.

AIBU to expect her to be more supportive? Just a little? I hate how unhappy I'm making her but just don't know what to do for the best.

Go gently on me please, in feeling really fragile

Sorry you not them!

Sookeh Do not let her "make you want to stay". From another view my DM let my dad go & work away when I was growing up & she stayed living near my Nan. My childhood memories are coloured by a Dad who I only saw at weekends because my Mum didn't move with him as a family.

Go and enjoy yourself. Tell your mum the date of your first holiday to the UK so she has it in her diary to look forward to. Tell her you will stay with her for the week. Then set up skype at her home and have a dry run ASAP. She can still see the kids daily - having lunch together while skyping is great. A window into everyday life.

Oh, and my mum is 67 and regularly flies 17+ hours to visit her various gc, none of which live less than 6,000 miles away (in opposite directions!)

Remind her that your siblings will have grandchildren too at some point.

She's only 50! Fuck me! My DH will be almost 49 when he's sent to the Falkand Islands for a four month tour of duty with the RAF next year!

Tell her to get a grip and stop guilt tripping you!

Yadnbu!! I've lived apart from my family for about 17 years now- 6000 miles away. We have 2 DC who see their grandparents for 2-3 weeks a year and there is such a great bond it's almost weird (good weird). Other grandparents are 300 miles away and they have a great bond too.

You have to live your life. Unless she's going to fork out the money to pay off your debt?

I would plan some dates when she can come visit, get her set up on Skype or buy her some credits on the phone (many cheap phone companies where it costs 1p/min or you can go with talk talk which has a subscription where it's free international calls.).

Talk about her spending Easter with you in New York and you guys coming back for summer. Make short term plans.

Can you talk to her friends or a relative that she trusts? For them to persuade her??

So she doesn't want to be without her grandchildren, and her solution to that is that those supposedly much-loved grandchildren go without their dad, and you go without your husband, that your family is split up? For her benefit? That's her solution?

What a selfish, manipulative, entirely self-loving woman.

OP, for you, your husband and your childrens' sakes, I hope you completely ignore this horrible attempt at blackmail. And look elsewhere for loving support, because she isn't capable of giving it.

I think your mother is being really unfair to you and putting her needs above yours and your family's. If she is as attached as she says and not just being manipulative, she will give you her blessing and overcome her fear of flying. Her fragile mental health is not your fault.

Hi OP,

I've just skimmed through this thread and from what I can see, your mum is hurting much less than you are over this.

In fact I'd wager she will be absolutely fine if you go.

She's clearly trying to make you feel like shit, it's what people like her do - and you don't deserve it. It's basically a con.

please don't give in to it. You have done NOTHING wrong and as far as I can see, the very best decision for your whole family would be for you to go.

Please try not to let her get to you - she knows exactly what she is doing. Would you EVER say those words to someone you love? No? Then why should she get away with it.

How does your step dad feel about the suggestion she'd leave him a widower just cos her GCs are moving 8 or so hours away? He must feel very cherished, not.

Sorry, finding it hard to have any sympathy for a 50 year old who lives for her GC. She needs to act her age - maybe you going will be a good thing for her. And I have to say if anyone tried to suggest to me that in 10 years' time I'll be too old to get on a plane to New York I'd brain them.

YANBU

She is being totally unreasonable, and downright nasty to use this type of manipulative emotional blackmail. It's actually quite disgusting.

As a grandmother I can totally understand how she might be devastated that you're going. However, her reaction is disproportionate and you should not pander to it.

I never thought I would every say this, but if she doesn't desist from spouting this nonsense I would say to her..."Mum if you don't stop making these horrible threats and accept the situation in a mature adult manner then you will not get to see or speak to the children. This will all be a self-fulfilling prophecy".

I think you ought to jump at the chance and go and have a wonderful life with your husband and child.

YANBU! and so far that seems unanimous. She is upset and lashing out. You can't let threats make you reconsider. Have a wonderful time, all the best.

I remember hearing a programme on the radio a while ago about GP's who were living in different countries from their GC and how they coped. It was really interesting and one lady had a really great way of maintaining the special contact with her GC. She said she developed special little rituals and jokes/sayings which were specific to her. Some of these things she could reinforce whilst on skype or in letters/emails. It kind of kept the relationship 'warm' so to speak when they were apart, but kept a connection there which made it easier to activate their relationship when they were together.

I hope that makes a little bit of sense. If anyone else heard it and can explain it better than me, please do. Might be worth suggesting something along those lines for your Mum OP or even try to find a recording of the programme for her to listen to? I think it was on Radio 4.

...oh my goodness I just realised I missed a page of posts - and you said your mum is 50. She thinks she's too old to fly to the US at fifty!

That's just plain stupid.

I can say that as a fifty year old!

YANBU.

Your mother sounds unstable and in dire need of help. Which she may not want and nobody can make her seek or accept, least of all you.

You need to be the adult here to her manipulative toddler; aged 2 it is ok to go 'I'll hold my breath until I get what I want', aged 50 not so much.
You will need to find a way to not accept the guilt trip she is trying to lay on you and to be kind, but firm.

Personally, I often find to avoid confrontation and fraught emotions all round, it can help to laugh, lightheartedly, about the situation: "Oh, Mum, you did not just actually say that, did you?"

I live in a different country from my parents, and have done for almost 20 years. It IS difficult at times, and certainly since I had children, I have felt the distance more. I feel upset about the distance, but not guilty to have relocated when I did. Frankly, it can be very liberating. Guilt is something you feel, NOT something somebody else makes you feel. If YOU feel this relocation is the right thing for your family, then so be it (it sounds great, btw ).
A person with a less dysfunctional, emotionally abusive mindset than your mother might embrace the chance to see another part of the world and enjoy the benefits this challenge will bring you as a family. FFG. She really is not behaving like a nurturing parents, but more like a needy toddler - the more I think about it the crosser I am getting on your behalf!

Oh, poor you!

We went abroad, it was for 5 years, south america. My dc are my parents only grandchildren.

I have always been very grateful to my mum for not making it hard for us, and I love her for making her first transantlantic flight aged 68, on her own ( my dad could not face the journey). I always think that was generousof her, to never complain. And we DID come back!

I am sorry your mum is not supportive, it is unfair of her and selfish. Has she always been selfcentred? Make sure you mention it is just a few years, and that it is a FACT she has nothing to say in.

Good luck! It is hard work, in my experience the first year is difficult and then you start to really really enjoy it, would not have missed it for the world.

All the best

FWIW DS saw my DM everyday from the day he was born and he occupies that special place in her heart of "Only Grandchild" [hhmm] They are devoted to one another.
When she remarried she moved away as her DH was working there and consequently does not see him anything like as much. I now notice though that the time they DO have is more "traditional" grandparent-grandchild time than previously. They go out more, bake cakes, watch DVD's, she buys him hundreds of treats. She rarely tells him off and they spend ages on the phone, internet and even writing letters to one another. She can also make independant trips through the Underground to meet up with us, an unthinkable feat beforehand though admittedly its not quite flying to the USA!
YANBU and it sounds a great opportunity for your family. I hope it works out for you :)

I hardly ever post these days but just had to for this one.

Sookeh it sound like your mother has serious mental health issues and perhaps she has a personality disorder.

It also sounds like you have never had counselling to learn how to deal with her behaviour. Maybe that is something you could do while you are away?

I really hope all these posters' comments are getting through to you. I too have rarely heard of such a manipulative, and frankly nasty mother.

Please go and enjoy. Get that counselling, or read a relevant book or anything, to be able to shrug off this behaviour of hers else it will continue to plague you for the rest of your days. xx

I was sectioned (very briefly) last year with post natal depression and have had lots of counselling, I just find it hard to talk badly about her. I defend her through everything.

She's told me the children will hate it, that I'll be lonely and won't make friends.

Thank you all so much, DH has read your comments too and agrees with you %100.

We're applying for my passport tomorrow .

You won't be lonely. Americans are very friendly and there's more sense of community over there in most places.

My friend moved to the states with her kids, the neighbours set up some sort of welcoming rota with people taking them places showing them round.

If she won't fly, she could take a cruise over to NY - my Aunt is afraid of flying and to go to a family wedding in Canada she took a cruise to NY then the train to Canada.

Anyway, she isn't scared of flying, she's just trying to force you to keep the status quo in order to put her happiness above yours. That's not a caring, that's being unspeakably selfish.

Your mum is just worried you will take the kids and go away for ever... I kind of know how she feels -

for us it was the grandparents disappearing abroad after going on and on and on about how it would be great when we had kids, how they could be so supportive of us, spend so much time with the grandkids, take them off our hands for weekends etc etc etc....

we had 2 girls, then when the youngest was 1 they went to live in France,

"of course we will visit, it will be 4 or 5 times a year......" -

they saw my dad twice before he died 2 years later..... both times when we went there......

If you say you will visit make sure she knows how often and for how long, that you won't just go out there and forget about her... palming her off with the odd phone call etc..