AIBU? So upset.

[Sookeh]

DH has been offered a very well paying job in America. Triple what he earns now in a beautiful city. We want to go. Life has been awful for the last two years and we see it as a new start for all of us. DS is 21MO DD is 4.

Having told my DM a few weeks ago to prepare her I've had to call and tell her he's been offered the job. She's told me if I try and take the DC's away from her she'll end up in a mental hospital or kill herself. She's told me she's too afraid to fly and visit us and that it will destroy her to lose her only two GC. I've told her we'll come back often but she then says in lying.

I know she was bound to be upset but I know we need to do this, for our financial future and for lots of other reasons. We never have enough money and DH will never get a leg up on the career ladder if we don't do it.

AIBU to expect her to be more supportive? Just a little? I hate how unhappy I'm making her but just don't know what to do for the best.

Go gently on me please, in feeling really fragile

(( Massive hugs ))

It's a horrible thing for her to say and I have very low tolerance for this kind of emotional terrorism. You need to live your life and, honestly, some space from someone who behaves like that can only be a good thing.

50?? I'm bloody 50. Still bringing up my kids, looking out for 2 elderly mum's and love jumping on planes if I get the chance. How can someone think they are too old at 50? AND she's got her DH who is enthusiastic to go with her, she's not even alone. When I first read your post I was thinking 'poor old mum all on her own with no husband, no children and no grandchildren around'. Nope, don't worry she'll be fine.

Age is a red herring her, her biological age has nothing to do with it - her emotional age, maybe .

Here is a link to one of the Stately Homes (Adult survivors of dysfunctional parents) with further links to other threads.

It sounds like getting away from her would do you a lot of good and that a new start is just what you need.

How did it go this morning OP after seeing your Mum?

I have told her that we're going, end of story, she ranted and raved for a bit and then said that she doesn't want to know anything else until we're gone, then shoved the paperwork I needed at me . Essentially she'd rather us stay here with no money and my DC's be without their Daddy.

The visas, passports and stuff are going to be very complicated (I'm a Canadian citizen with ILR) but it's doable. I've also got a mental health history that might cause problems (largely as a result of my childhood I think)

I'm excited now and determined to go and make a new start.

I think I really have to examine the relationship with my mother to be honest. It's not healthy and puts me under enormous strain a lot of the time .

Well I'm glad you stood firm, you will have a fantastic time.

Don't sweat too much over the legal side of things, I'm sure it'll be fine if a little paperwork heavy.

When are you hoping to go?

Well done, Sookeh! It's a stroke of luck for you that she's declared the subject closed, really. A bit of a cooling off period while you sort the paperwork and reflect is probably good.

OMG how awful for you. I would sooo miss my daughter if she and her DH went abroad to live and took my DGC, but I would be mentally wondering how long it would be for me to plan a trip to visit :o

Your mum is being VVU

It's a wonderful opportunity, I wish you the best and hope this doesn't spoil the beginning of it too much.

Your mother has been behaving disgustingly, who does that to their children? And she'll threaten to never forgive you, but refuses to get on a plane or find an alternative form of transport? It's ridiculous. I'm sorry you have to deal with her, it must be really exhausting.

If you didn't go you and your DH (and possibly your DCs) would end up resenting her for ruining a glorious opportunity for you and your family. She'd see a lot less of her grandchildren anyway.

She thinks your DH has less right to be with his own children than she has. How does she think her DGCs would feel if their Daddy went off to the other side of the world without them? He isn't just a source of money. He is their parent and they love him and need to be with him.

She doesn't care about their feelings because she is not interested in anyone's well-being but her own.

You need to talk this through with you DH today. You need to tell him that she is going to do everything in her power to stop you going and that you will need his help to get you through all the things she throws at you. You need to work as a team to achieve this so she can't drive a wedge between you.

If she senses that you're scared about going she will pounce on that and use it. Make sure you present a firm and united front to her. Make your plans and don't be scared to tell her the arrangements as you make them. She will gradually get used to the idea that you are going and realise that she can't control you on this occasion.

If you are genuinely concerned for her mental well-being then you need to let her GP surgery know. If she really is in such a state that she is likely to commit suicide as a result of you leaving, she is very unstable and needs help now. It is far more likely that this is emotional blackmail. If you call her bluff and say you think she needs help she'll probably backtrack like a shot.

You have left home, married your DH, had children of your own and built your own life. Your responsibility is now to them. Your DM does not own you or your children. She has no right to expect you to arrange your life around her needs.

My parents went to America for a year when I was a baby. It was a fantastic opportunity for them and my GPs were sad but supportive. They loved it and still talk about it 40(ish) years later.

Don't even consider turning down such a wonderful opportunity for you and your family. This is about life experiences as well as money. You children may never get this chance again so grab it firmly with both hands and ENJOY IT!

OP - you have to get into your head 'you are not responsible for your mother's happiness' she is an adult and can make her own decisions. I have to remind myself of this sometimes. you can only make yourself and your DH and DC happy.

Sorry. I wrote that long post but took a phone call from school before clicking the post button.

I am glad you stood firm. Don't look back now.

haha my MUM emigrated to the US at aged 50 :o.

I lived in NYC Sookeh, you will LOVE it. I am 48 and certainly dont think I am too old to fly, bloody hell splutters

I am planning where I want to go when I retire.

My mum reacted in a similar way when I announced I was off to W.Africa for two years to teach in a local school.

I know your circumstances are very different, but maybe your mum's reactions are the same as mine.

I did not telephone her, I sat down and wrote a letter explaining why I wanted to do what she found so scary. I did not criticise her at all, I just listed why I wanted to do this and how she may be part of it.

tbh, maybe my final paragraph may have been a bit harsh as I said I was going to do it regardless of her approvel, but she came around and gave me all the support I could have asked for.

Congratulations to your husband for landing such an awesome job!

It is definitely a brilliant opportunity for you all, your kids will adapt and you will love it. New York! How lucky.

I hope you can start to look forward to this exciting adventure without worrying about your mum's ridiculous (and empty) threats. You'll have an amazing time :)

Sookeh - I'm sure there are people on MN who can help if you're having any visa issues. I think the Living Overseas topic on here is good.

Now, move on. You've hot lots to keep you busy between now and leaving for the US. Focus on that, not your Mum. Don't let her drag you down.

Sorry, meant to say. If your dh is effectively being sponsored to go over there by his new employers, then you - as his dependent - shouldn't have a problem with a visa (regardless of your health, although I know US health insurance can be a minefield). But I'm definitely not an expert in this.

You should go. Perhaps you could book a short trip home to the UK as soon as you arrive in the US and then you DM will have something to look forward to.

We lived abroad for many years and had our kids overseas. Both my DM and my DMIL would have loved it if we had stayed put and lived around the corner but it wasn't what was best for our family. We visited regularly and my DC are as close to their Grannies as any of their cousins.

NYC area is fantastic, what a wonderful adventure you will have.

What an amazing opportunity, for you and your dh, but mostly for your children. They will have so many life enriching experiences - who would want to deny them that?
Your mother is manipulative and selfish. Please don't allow her to dictate your life or your family's life any longer. If she doesn't want to fly, that is her problem not yours, it's a choice she has decided to make.
Embrace this experience with happiness and enthusiasm.

Well done, Sookeh

Thank you all so much for your advice. I've taken it and after being firm all day and ignoring her comments she seemed a little better about it this evening. I'm going to put a little distance between us for a while. I don't really think you realise how destructive someones behaviour actually is until you get the opinion of mumsnet other people. I'm just so used to it.

I'm trying to be sensitive because she does genuinely love the DC's but my step dad has told her that he'll be coming whether she does or not . I think eventually she will. I don't think for one second she would actually hurt herself over this.

My passport/visa issues are going to be a bit of a nightmare but once it's sorted then yes, looks like we're America bound!

I can't tell you all how valuable your advice has been so thank you so very, very much .