AIBU? So upset.

[Sookeh]

DH has been offered a very well paying job in America. Triple what he earns now in a beautiful city. We want to go. Life has been awful for the last two years and we see it as a new start for all of us. DS is 21MO DD is 4.

Having told my DM a few weeks ago to prepare her I've had to call and tell her he's been offered the job. She's told me if I try and take the DC's away from her she'll end up in a mental hospital or kill herself. She's told me she's too afraid to fly and visit us and that it will destroy her to lose her only two GC. I've told her we'll come back often but she then says in lying.

I know she was bound to be upset but I know we need to do this, for our financial future and for lots of other reasons. We never have enough money and DH will never get a leg up on the career ladder if we don't do it.

AIBU to expect her to be more supportive? Just a little? I hate how unhappy I'm making her but just don't know what to do for the best.

Go gently on me please, in feeling really fragile

I'm trying to be kind but I'm getting so about it.

I'm seeing her this morning and I just know there's going to be begging, crying and shouting. There's no reasoning with her really.

I'll be firm and strong though, at least outwardly.

YANBU. She is manipulating you and you should do what is best for you and your family.

She sounds almost a bit, well, I don't like to 'diagnose' people's family on here but narcissistic springs to mind.

Which means she can only really see the world in terms of herself? I'm sure you would never put such huge pressure on her to do what you wanted, as she is clearly doing to you.

Most people wouldn't (toddlers excepted - and they're not normally so manipulative - they don't threaten suicide for example, to get their own way)

so please try to keep in mind that she is unreasonable, and you are totally, utterly reasonable.

If you refuse to get upset or be swayed (outwardly I mean) then she will get more and more furious and might storm off in a big old huff, but it won't be your fault.

Thinking of you and wishing you luck. Is it just you vs her this morning, or will DH be there?

Other option is for YOU to leave when she starts acting up.

Staying with someone who is shouting at you is not compulsory - you can calmly walk away till she is prepared to discuss it like an adult. That's your prerogative.

Difficult though, I know.

Sounds like a fabulous opportunity and you will resent her if you give it up to placate her.

Be firm - tell her that if she creates a scene today you will need to leave because you don't want your children to see their GM like that. Point out she needs to start making the most of her time with you now.

Good luck!

Yes think how a normal, loving mother/grandmother would react.

They might feel upset but would want to hide it, would want the best for you - they would be pleased for you.

My own mother is normally pretty good and supportive - she tries to deal with her own issues about my life, without demanding that I do what she wants.

She did mess up one time, crying and so on when I moved across town (we used to be in the same street - we move about 2 miles ) but my Dad dragged her away, and I told her off about it later which she fully accepted.

She would never have shouted or blackmailed me, not deliberately - she was just struggling with it. There's a big difference and it's called self awareness, also responsibility for one's own feelings.

I think you should tell her she's upsetting the children and if she wants to see you all she needs to behave. Yes she's upset but she's behaving appallingly.

Well I'm going against the grain here but I can see her point of view - I say that as someone who has family over the other side of the world.

Saying that though I think she is over reacting but we are all guilty of that when we are dreadfully upset.

Oh I think we all see that she´ll be upset-devastated, even.

But threatening suicide-that is just so not on, no matter how upset she is.

I would take that as in indication that she is very unwell and look into getting serious help for her. It is not normal to threaten suicide I agree.

I think she's being selfish and ridiculous. Of course it's understandable that she might feel upset or need a bit of time to get used to the idea, but outwardly she should try to be happy for you having such an opportunity.

Don't let her manipulate you.

And in my (limited) experience, the people who use threat of suicide to manipulate others like that, are not the people who actually do it. I have no patience for that sort of behaviour tbh.

I agree ephiny but that doesn't mean she doesn't need help.

Sookeh, I think you will grasp from all the replies that YANBU at all and that you should grasp this great opportunity whilst you can. I totally agree with everything that's been advised, yes, of course she will miss you, that's understandable, but she should be supporting you now, not throwing a spanner in the works. In fact, by only thinking of herself, she is making it worse for herself, I suppose her own feelings are all she can dwell on at the moment, she will get over it in time. This is the start of a great new future for you and your DH and your kiddies, welcome it with open arms.

Yikes, OP.

I was the one emigrating at 50!

DH's mum, at 89, took it graciously, and her generous attitude is one I hope I'll emulate when OUR only child decides to go walkies. If she could do it, so can we.

YANBU. Go for it.

My grandmother ripped up my mother's wedding dress and used it as dusters when she announced she and my dad were moving abroad. But then my dear departed grandmother was a loon!

You simply can not live your life for others regardless of relation. Obviously there are situations where people are tied to family responsibilities but this doesn't sound like one of them. I think you have to be positive in face of all the dramatics, teach her Skype, email and even ideas on dates for her first visit (make sure you include departure dates!!) She will come round once she realizes you will be going.

I'm seeing her this morning and I just know there's going to be begging, crying and shouting. There's no reasoning with her really.

This is something you should be so excited about and looking forward to.

What she should be saying to you is "I'm going to miss you so much. But I love you and I'm so excited for you having the opportunity for this adventure. Have fun!"

If I were you I'd be telling her that it's not a conversation and so you're not discussing it with her. There's nothing she can say that will change you're mind, you're not seeking her opinion or her counsel. You have told her something and she can not like it as much as she likes. But you are a grown up now and long gone are the days when she has any say over your life.

Just as an aside, my son is 13. Around last Christmas he told his grandmother what he wanted to do when he grows up. It's a career that realistically would take him to the other side of the world if he were to achieve it. Her reply was "oh you can't do that, you can't leave grandma! What would grandma do without you?" etcetera; ad infinitum... What a ridiculous and OTT response to a conversation with a 12 year old! We told him that if it was his dream he is to follow it. And if he gets the chance to work on the other side of the world he is to take it with both hands and not look back. Of course we'd miss him but I love him already know that I would support him in that (should it ever become a reality) because that is my job!

Oh op, poor you having all this emotional blackmail laid on you when you should be thrilled and making plans.
We planned on emigrating a few years ago, didn't in the end and both sets of parents were upset but so supportive of our decision. It is an amazing opportunity for your family. You will live it.
Are there any mners close by I wonder??

OMG - this is awful. I'm shocked that your DM woukd react like this. Not read the whole thread so apols if repeating anything.

However, I think I would be saying to her that yiu are really concerned about her threats generally and also the comments re hitting your sister wtf?!

Because yiu're so worried, you're going to have to speak to her GP to get some urgent support for her as she clearly isn't thinking straight.

Hopefully that might snap her out of it. If not, then she does need help and yiu should speak to the GP. Has she always been so me, me, me?

I'm very sorry that she is trying to take the shine off such a special time for you.

OMG! I'm 53. I never realised I was old already. I haven't even finished growing up yet!

I think shiny's idea is excellent if she keeps up this behaviour.

Just read your whole thread, OP. Very glad you're getting excited, and good luck with this morning's histrionics!

Here's a far scarier thought than anything your mum could say, it may help to keep it in mind: if she's 50 now, chances are you'll have to rub along with her for a good 20-30 years yet. You can't really do everything exactly as she wants for all that time, can you? That's a good chunk of your own life. It's just not fair on you (or your family).

And yes, "won't be able to stop herself" hitting your sister? I think that says a lot about her childishness, lack of self-control and willingness to hurt others to express her own feelings. It's toddler reasoning.

My mum wuld be exactly the same, that is te reason why we did not go to the states when dd was offered a fantastic job. Years later I wish I had ignored my mum and gone, I regret it