AIBU? So upset.

[Sookeh]

DH has been offered a very well paying job in America. Triple what he earns now in a beautiful city. We want to go. Life has been awful for the last two years and we see it as a new start for all of us. DS is 21MO DD is 4.

Having told my DM a few weeks ago to prepare her I've had to call and tell her he's been offered the job. She's told me if I try and take the DC's away from her she'll end up in a mental hospital or kill herself. She's told me she's too afraid to fly and visit us and that it will destroy her to lose her only two GC. I've told her we'll come back often but she then says in lying.

I know she was bound to be upset but I know we need to do this, for our financial future and for lots of other reasons. We never have enough money and DH will never get a leg up on the career ladder if we don't do it.

AIBU to expect her to be more supportive? Just a little? I hate how unhappy I'm making her but just don't know what to do for the best.

Go gently on me please, in feeling really fragile

Well I'm glad to hear you have siblings who ought to understand what you're going through with this and support you, but also to soften the blow for her.

It's not like you're making a risky, selfish choice, it's an incredible opportunity that you and your family need - let that be your focus.

I am not surprised to hear that.

I expect the threats have been in similar situations? 'If you don't do X, I will kill myself' sort of thing?

You have to let her have her tantrum. Be kind, calm and firm. Make sure you repeat that whatever she may do is her choice. She needs to know that she is not going to get you to feel responsible for her choices.

It is very VERY cruel of a parent to threaten their child (even adult offspring) with suicide as a form of control and manipulation. I would not stand for it at all.

Oh thank you all for being so lovely.

DH is a bit irritated by my lack of enthusiasm because he's very proud of himself for getting the job and is so excited.

I just can't being myself to be excited when I'm hurting her so badly

You're right though, I do think I just need to tough it out and stay firm. I just feel like a little girl sometimes who hates it when her mum is mad at her.

She's not going to kill herself and is simply trying to manipulate you. Don't let her. Don't give in to or entertain her melodrama - and if she does say 'I'm going to kill myself' calmly phone the doctor and tell them - she'll stop the ridiculousness as soon as she looks like an idiot in front of other people.

She can go by boat (and then train/coach depending on where in the US you are). If she's that attached to your GC, of course she can still see them.
uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090205182842AABeHBw

sorry, should work now
uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090205182842AABeHBw

Me neither akaemma

We are only in Germany.

Parents were upset-but they´ve lived their life & you have to live yours.

It sounds as if you are used to it OP.

I´m afraid if that was said to me my response would probably be "oh well that´s one less to bother about visiting, then"

So she´s threatened before & done nothing towards it?

You are not doing this to hurt her.

Of course she's going to be upset, any parent would be.

But a reasonable person accepts that their children grow up and make lives of their own and sometimes that involves moving a very long long way away. A reasonable parent does not attempt to manipulate their child by threatening to top themselves!

do not allow her to do this to you.

would you ever, ever tell your children that if they didn't do what you want, you will kill yourself? No? That's because it is abusive behaviour! Don't tolerate it.

She is being very, very manipulative and selfish.

You have to do what is right for your famiy. She will come round because she is going to have to. Can your siblings talk to her and make her see how unreasonable she is being?

Good luck in your adventure. My friends went to the US with her DH's job, they are all so happy and her children are having so much fun and experiencing so many new things. I am really jealous!

I just can't being myself to be excited when I'm hurting her so badly

You're not hurting her, she's doing this to herself. Gradually, day by day, allow yourself to indulgently dwell on the good things about going. You might feel a bit guilty at first but bit by bit, you'll find yourself getting more and more excited. As you should be.

My MIL did this when we talked about going abroad (for a job I'd been offered) Selfish bitch. We didn't end up going.

We're now getting a divorce and guess who has gone back home to Mummy?

She has a history of this sort of behaviour so I probably was expecting too much by expecting her to be excited or happy for me. I just wish she didn't make me feel like a child snatcher for taking my own children away.

The fact she has used this threat at least twice before but not attempted anything proves that it is purely emotional blackmail/manipulation as other posters have pointed out.

I know it's very hard but please try not to let her spoil this for you.

Wishing you and your family all the luck in the future x

Sorry Curiosity that's awful

OK, my experience here from moving away with my parents when I was young.
1- This has NEVER stopped 'destroyed' or 'lessened' the link I had with my gran even though for about 10 years I have seen her every 2 years or so.
2- My parents stayed overseas and I had my dcs here. Being still away and not seeing them more than 1 week a year hasn't stopped them from creating a lovely bond together. Something they have been able to build on when they moved close to us.

They were in a very far away place and we could not afford to see family more often. Telephone conversations were so expensive that it was only once every few month.

You are talking here about the US. You will be able to come back regularly. You will be able to phone. She will be able to have a lovely relationship with her granchildren.

Don't be afraid or terrified (and lean on someone else for support...).
You have taken your decision with your DH. You have taken the best decision for your family and I would stick to it.

YANBU that she could be happy for you to have this opportunity and not to make it all about herself :(

Don't let her 'make' you feel anything.

See her feelings as her own problem and not your responsibility.

You have quite reasonable solutions to offer so that she can stay in contact and she chooses to try to control you by threatening to kill herself.

don't feel guilty - feel angry!

Sookeh.

YANBU and good luck to you and your family.
For your own piece of mind though I would ask for support from your siblings. If you all keep telling her how she is being so unreasonable she will listen eventually. If it was completely out of the blue I can see why she's taken it like this, but it doesn't excuse her behaviour. A big family leaving party will help her cope better too if this is possible as she'll get to hear well wishes for you from many people.

Sookeh, don't feel guilty, at the moment she is the one hurting you. Why on earth does she think being so horrible will make you want to stay more?! Try to get excited about your move, it's a whole new start for your family and if your mother is this manipulative then maybe the distance will be a good thing

Practice your strategy when you speak to her:

Mum, I'm sorry you're upset but we're still going.
We will speak once a week.
Fly over when we agree a date., no problem.
The children will benefit.
DH needs the job and it's fab.

Don't let her bring you down, stay strong and firm.

Sorry I have been too slow. Lots of xposts.

Don't feel bad re your decision. You have to take the best decision for your family.
That's why you ave children. To educate them, parent them so they can become independent and have their own lives. Not to expect them to your own cruches for your emotional well-being (In your case, the GC make you feel better so they have to stay next to you)

My sister spoke to her on the phone and said she thinks it's the best thing for us to do. We'd be out of debt in a year etc my mum has now said that if she sees my sister she doesn't know how she'll stop herself from hitting her .

I just don't think she'll ever forgive me and is going to make the next few months leading up to it unbearable.

She wants DH to go without me and to just send money back. She doesn't understand why it's so important we all stay together.

yanbu. What a vile woman, laying that on you!

She wants DH to go without me and to just send money back. She doesn't understand why it's so important we all stay together.

Really?? She doesn't understand??
She knows she is unreasonable. Seriously she knows.

If she's threatening your sister and wanting you and your children to be apart from your DH then I really wouldn't be worrying about her feelings at all. In fact if she kept on I would limit contact completely

Look. You are giving your mother far too much power. You need to take a deep breath and do what is right for you, your husband and your children.

If she 'never forgives you' - that's her problem.

But that's not going to happen.

It's just another way to try to control you. The fear of her Never Forgiving You.

You have to let her see that your decisions are unaffected by her manipulations.

I suggest you avoid talking to your mother for a bit, give yourself some distance. Try to convert your relationship from parent - child to parent - adult offspring! and be assertive with her.

And tell her that if she can't control herself, then you think it's best if you don't have contact until after you've moved, because you are finding her threats and behaviour stressful and upsetting.