AIBU? So upset.

[Sookeh]

DH has been offered a very well paying job in America. Triple what he earns now in a beautiful city. We want to go. Life has been awful for the last two years and we see it as a new start for all of us. DS is 21MO DD is 4.

Having told my DM a few weeks ago to prepare her I've had to call and tell her he's been offered the job. She's told me if I try and take the DC's away from her she'll end up in a mental hospital or kill herself. She's told me she's too afraid to fly and visit us and that it will destroy her to lose her only two GC. I've told her we'll come back often but she then says in lying.

I know she was bound to be upset but I know we need to do this, for our financial future and for lots of other reasons. We never have enough money and DH will never get a leg up on the career ladder if we don't do it.

AIBU to expect her to be more supportive? Just a little? I hate how unhappy I'm making her but just don't know what to do for the best.

Go gently on me please, in feeling really fragile

Meant dh not dd

I do sympathise with your mum actually, if she has invested a lot of time and emotions into her DGC and now they are going to be on the other side of the world. She must be devestated.

Saying that, what can you do, you listed all the reasons why this will be good for your family. You have to go.

Does your mum not have much else going on in her life? is there any way your siblings can maybe encourage her out of herself a bit more? Encourage her to form friendships etc?

I just wish I wasn't still so scared of her I'm 25 and a mother of two ffs. I need a backbone.

Sookeh, it's not surprising you're afraid of her. She's doubtless been acting like this all your life.

This is the bit where you realise it isn't normal and isn't ok

It will take a longish time to stop feeling so scared of her...but you'll get there.

Don't blame yourself - how would you know any different? You've been manipulated for many years by the person you're meant to trust the most.

oh, i assumed you were older and that in turn, she would be older!! Pictured poor old dear in her 70s with few friends etc.

She needs to get her own life, we have our children for such a short time and we must make the most of it, GC are a privalige not a right. Emotional blackmail is hard to deal with but you will be doing your mum no good whatsoever if you bow down to it, go to america and have a good life, this should be all she wants for you. If you go it will force her to be more self reliant, get out there and sort herself out or stay in and fester, her choice, not yours.

You need to tell her "thanks mum, youve been great helping out with the children, i couldn't have managed without you. You have empowered me to do this and i have to do it, i am going to do it - please be happy for me". Present someone with a fair a complis and you will be surprised how quickly they adapt.

Oh, I didn't stop being scared (not of my mum, of other stuff) until I was 30. [hsmile]

She sounds very manipulative, and you're already starting to break free at 25. Don't beat yourself up, you're doing well.

Let her words wash over you - that's all they are, just words. Sit there, nod and pretend to listen, and concentrate on how you don't need to let the words make you feel miserable. Because that's all it is, you're letting the words get through. It's just habit, long engrained, and a habit you learnt as a child, so it's very hard to break. But if you've already started to try, you'll break it, I'm sure.

She's a massive bully. Who says that about having to restrain herself from hitting your sister ffs? Who goes to see their grown up child and begs and cries and shouts to get their own way?

Tell her you can't see her today while she's being like this. You're only prepared to talk in a civil ADULT fashion.

I know it's hard to break the habits of a lifetime.

Everlong, you'd be surprised - I'm 42, my mother is 75 and 4'6" to say i'm scared of her is actually a bit of an understatement :) But then everyone is scared of my mum [strangely proud]

Sookeh - just want to add my voice to the crowd. Don't know if this will help but maybe you could rehearse a few phrases that you just keep repeating to her calmly e.g:

"I know you're upset Mum, but this is happening."

"This is a great opportunity for us and we are doing it"

"Please talk to me reasonably about it or I won't be able to discuss it with you"

"We will do everything we can so that you can see the grandchildren as much as possible."

etc

Btw, no one's mentioned (I don't think) Skype on this thread. I have friends in Australia who speak to their grandparents back her every single day on Skype.

Also, if you don't mind me saying, I think this amount of distance form your mother will do YOU the world of good.

Not "normal" no, but it would appear, very common.

Try treating her like a toddler who is having a tantrum which is effectively what it is. Ignore the noise and only engage when she's talking about something rationally.
It's a fantastic opportunity for you and your family.

Does your sister know she's threatening to hit her? . What a bizarre thing to say!

Does she imagine behaving like this is going to make family members want to spend time with her? If she's worried about being lonely or abandoned or whatever, she might want to try being pleasant for a change!

What squeaver said!

Sorry to be so blunt but I really think you might be better off being away from your DM for a few years. She appears very selfish and I don't think she'll ever be the mum you want her to be so a bit of distance may be for the best.

Have fun on your amazing adventure (and can I come and stay when you are settled? )

Oh yes Skype -the most irritating and fantastic thing ever invented

She's behaving appallingly. If it gets really out of hand, toddler style, you could always try the "you are starting to really concern me mum. I'm starting to think you might actually be a threat to yourself and I should see a doctor about whether or not you need to be sectioned and get professional help!"
........... feeling very evil this morning but seriously, it sounds like a great opportunity for you and your family. Do something that can't be reversed like sell the house and present her with fait accompli !

YADNBU. You must go. It's not healthy for your children to be influenced by this kind of emotional blackmail.

Let her know (among all the love-you, miss-you, will-skype stuff) that you are not and will never feel responsible if she decides for whatever reason to take her own life. The full responsibility for that decision is hers and hers alone. If she does it when you move abroad, it will not be because you've moved. it will be because she has not developed a life for herself which is full and robust enough to tolerate change. Not Your Fault.

It's really hard to untangle yourself from family who behave this way but please don't let her wreck all your lives by this.

My SiL moved abroad, taking her DC. MiL had a stroke. Cue the family blaming her, never forgiving her. They spite themselves. She rarely comes back to the UK. Not her fault. She's living a good life abroad. She was not responsible for her mum's lack of life other than her grandchildren.

I love my MiL - love all of them. They're not manipulative in the same way as you describe. But they have shown me how never to behave. And they used the 'trauma' of being parted from their grandchildren as the 'reason' they didn't want to get too close to my DC. In case it happened again. FFS. We're all grown ups. They lead their lives as they choose. We lead ours. We hope, as grown ups to enjoy each others company as often as we're bale, but we don't issue threats.

Sookeh, have you had a look at the threads on here about emotionally abusive family relationships? The 'Stately Homes' threads? Go and have a look...

I agree with however said upthread your mum sounds like she might have a personality disorder, which would make her a very difficult person to deal with, nevermind grow up with. And virtually impossible to grow up with AND have a health sense of selfworth and selfesteem.

I also agree, the physical distance between you will do YOU a world of good!

Sookeh - my mother is exactly like this. She threw a major wobbly and prevented my sister moving abroad a few months ago. Several years ago, my then-boyfriend (now DH) had an opp to go to work in USA and didn't take it because I refused to go with him as I knew what my mum would say/threaten. As it turned out, staying was the right decision but it should have had nothing to do with me fearing upsetting my mother,

God, I wish I knew what to say, but I don't because I am so bad at handling my own mother.

My only advice is what I know other people have said to me in the past - there is nothing she can actually 'do' to stop you, obviously I don't know the situation but I suspect killing herself is a threat to manipulate and not a reality. She WILL GET USED TO IT. You have to go, I think you know that, it sounds an incredible opportunity. So that is the way the cookie will crumble and your mother WILL get used to it, she will fly if she has to, she will moan and whine but eventually that will stop upsetting you.

Very very best of luck and I am so sorry - I long for a different kind of mother but I guess we are stuck with the ones we have :(

xxx

Parents who care about you, not just themselves, want you to have the best possible life. Parents who love you won't deliberately hold you back in order to make themselves happy. OP - your mum doesn't really give a shit about your happiness, so why would you care about hers? Any parent who would do this doesnt really care enough.

Quite frankly, even if you were staying in the UK, I'd be limiting contact with someone who would act like this.

She sounds like a selfish narcissistic pathetic person.
Go.
You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't.
And I would put good money on her visiting you if you pay the fare.....

Sookeh - I agree with all the other posters; this is good for your family for so many reasons so dont let your mother take the shine off it.

Disengage - when she makes these dire threats say "I'm sorry its upsetting you mum - but plenty of people do it, and its not forever. Flights to the US are cheaper than ever and with skype, you'll probably see us just as much as you see us now - if not more!"

My SIL lives in the US - my MIL sees her and her dd on Skype more than she sees DH and I and our 2 boys (we live a couple of hours drive from her) as they skype daily and she flies over there to see them 4 times a year and SIL comes back once a year.