AIBU? So upset.

[Sookeh]

DH has been offered a very well paying job in America. Triple what he earns now in a beautiful city. We want to go. Life has been awful for the last two years and we see it as a new start for all of us. DS is 21MO DD is 4.

Having told my DM a few weeks ago to prepare her I've had to call and tell her he's been offered the job. She's told me if I try and take the DC's away from her she'll end up in a mental hospital or kill herself. She's told me she's too afraid to fly and visit us and that it will destroy her to lose her only two GC. I've told her we'll come back often but she then says in lying.

I know she was bound to be upset but I know we need to do this, for our financial future and for lots of other reasons. We never have enough money and DH will never get a leg up on the career ladder if we don't do it.

AIBU to expect her to be more supportive? Just a little? I hate how unhappy I'm making her but just don't know what to do for the best.

Go gently on me please, in feeling really fragile

Your Mother is being self centred and incredibly selfish and by saying these things is already creating a barrier and resentment that will be hard to repair once you do finally leave..

Rise above it and think long term about the benefits the move to USA will bring to you, dh and your dc's.

It's times like this that test the best of us, difficult Parents are the worst but stay focused and don't let her grind you down.

...so she can't understand why you want to stay together as a family but doesn't want her family to split up by you moving abroad?

You poor thing OP. I'm sorry, but your Mum is emotionally blackmailing you. You must do what is best for your family and it sounds as if this move will be great for you. I say go for it!

My Mum is similar but not as extreme. My SIL and her family moved abroad recently and she said if I did that she 'would be devastated'. Thanks Mum!

Since it's the DGC she cares about, can you appeal to that side of things- eg tell her how awful it would be for them to know that Grandma had taken her own life,

or ( if her threats are just drama) explain that not good for them to see her upset when you go, since it's very important for them to know that all the family is behind the move otherwise they may not settle in.

And also remind her what a great life you will be building for them. If she is too afraid to travel that's her problem and a pathetic one - if she loves them so much she can get over it- your siblings can come too, she can bring a friend, or perhaps you can take her over yourself after a visit home. And if you are East Coast not even all that long a journey really.

Any prospect of your siblings sprogging soon .

Sad that she's spoiling this amazing time for you, big congrats to DH. tell us more about the city, sure it won't out you!

Oh, and how do his parents feel about it? Can she not take a lead from them about appropriate grandparent attitude?

YADNBU - your mum on the other hand is being vvvvvvvu.

I could understand if she was upset you were going,but your DC's are just that. Yours. Obviously it's great she loves them so much but they are your children and this sounds like a fantastic opportunity.

I think you may have to be very firm with her and perhaps introduce her to the concept of Skype if that is at all possible.

You aren't hurting her, she's hurting you.

Any normal mother would be delighted her daughter has a happy marriage with a husband who is trying so hard and making the most of opportunities. Yes, she'd be sad you were going to be far away but the whole point of having children is to see them grow up and make their own lives in their own way.

My mum used to try this on me. Note the 'used to'. When I started ignoring it, she realised it was pointless, eventually gave up, and now we get on heaps better. Ultimately your mother will adapt because she needs you more than you need her - though OMG it was painful while she did it and a lot of toys were thrown out of the pram along the way.

I would tell her that if she really loves the children she will want what's best for them. And that is to be with their mother and father in a happy united and thriving family.

BTW Congratulations to your DH! Be proud of his achievement.

Sounds like it would be very healthy for you and your family to move away and put a healthy distance between you. Does she have form to manipulate you like this?

This thread is making me very very very grateful to my mother. She has a fantastic bond with my son, despite us living 300 miles away. I do feel very guilty that we are moving to Oz, despite her support, but will be sending her tickets to visit as soon as we get settled.

Another thought- you don't mention that she has a partner so presume she is widowed or divorced? Is she still dealing with some sort of grief, hence the separation anxiety? Her wanting DH to go by himself sounds very much like she is resentful of others who are in couples. She may need specialist counselling.

I am very proud of DH and I'm trying to be excited.

The Job is just outside NYC.

Thank you all for being so nice, I don't want to come off as ungrateful because in lucky to have a mum and one that lives her GC so much.

She's just making me want to stay but DH would resent me forever .

She's with my step dad who is gutted but quite excited by the thought of flying out to see us. He's 70! My mum is 50 and says she's too old and too afraid of flying to come see us .

She's not making you want to stay.

She is attempting to manipulate you into being afraid to leave.

There is a huge difference between the two things.

Yes Hecate, that's exactly what is .

Switch off to her. I can't believe how self centred and selfish some people are!

She had her chance and her time to do what she felt was best with her young family and now it is your turn.

You, your husband and your children don't exist for her benefit!

Congratulations to your husband and go and enjoy this new opportunity together.

If she misses them that much she can get herself on a plane and fly over.

Go and don't look back!!!

She's FIFTY?! FIFTY?

I assumed she was 85 at least.

my bloody HUSBAND is nearly 50.

Honestly, OP, I am torn between wanting to give you a hug and wanting to give you a slap!

You are giving her too much power over you. Stop it at once.

YANBU
This is disgusting emotional blackmail. When I told my parents I was emigrating, they got the guide books out and planned their holidays, I'm sure they were/are upset particularly now we have a DS but they would never be selfish enough to try and guilt trip me over it.
Get on the plane now and don't hurry back.

Too old at 50?!

Hecate is absolutely spot on.

I lived in Connecticut for a year when I was 18 and it was fantastic and so beautiful, you will absolutely love it!!!!!!!!!

Rise above the puppy dog eyes she's giving you and think long term about what is right for you and your Husband.

Forget the children for a minute, she is asking you to pick between him and her.

Don't fall for it and stand by your DH.

Stick to your guns, she is trying to manipulate you. I'm sure once you are over there she will manage to sort out her fear of flying

I know it's hard, but try and be happy with your dh , you both deserve to be proud and excited. Don't let your mum spoil this exciting time for you both.

My brother and his wife did just this 16 months ago with two young children. My mum was in bits (her only dgc's) and it was awful to see her so upset in the last few get togethers we had prior to them leaving.

However, we have had a couple of family holidays out there and seeing where they lived, seeing the children's school and nursery etc...
really helped her to accept it. She too didn't want to fly there initially.
They come home a couple of times a year too so it is doable - just
different.

It has been great for my db's career and his wife and the children love the lifestyle and it is a fab opportunity for them all.

Reassure your mum that she will still be in their lives (skype is brilliant) but that she mustn't begrudge them this - it's for them tomdecide as a family - a tough enough decision without your mum emotionally blackmailing them!

Hope it works out for you

Ooh, you lucky thing, what an amazing opportunity. Go without a second thought. It's a no brainer really, and she will come round. Well done to your DH.

And maybe offer to pay for a couple of sessions of hypnotherapy for her if the flying scares her

50!! she's only 6 years older than me and I'm still young and bouncy apart from the grey hair and middle age spread.[hgrin]

Tell her to get a MAHOOOOSIVE grip and get on with it, she's being a huge arse.

This may sound like an awful thing to say but it's probably no bad thing to keep a person like that a little distance away (and yes, NYC is just a little distance away in this day and age).

Otherwise you risk her poisoning more than just your enthusiasm for your move.

If she doesn't get off her arse to go see you, then all the stuff about loving the dc is just a load of crap.

OP this is the most amazing opportunity for you and your family. Grab it with both hands and have the time of your life. I'm going to echo the rest of the thread and say how selfish and manipulative your mother is being. I know how hard it must be for you to go against wanting to please her, but do not let her break you down and stop you doing the best thing for you and your family. You will always regret it if you stay for this reason.