AIBU? So upset.

[Sookeh]

DH has been offered a very well paying job in America. Triple what he earns now in a beautiful city. We want to go. Life has been awful for the last two years and we see it as a new start for all of us. DS is 21MO DD is 4.

Having told my DM a few weeks ago to prepare her I've had to call and tell her he's been offered the job. She's told me if I try and take the DC's away from her she'll end up in a mental hospital or kill herself. She's told me she's too afraid to fly and visit us and that it will destroy her to lose her only two GC. I've told her we'll come back often but she then says in lying.

I know she was bound to be upset but I know we need to do this, for our financial future and for lots of other reasons. We never have enough money and DH will never get a leg up on the career ladder if we don't do it.

AIBU to expect her to be more supportive? Just a little? I hate how unhappy I'm making her but just don't know what to do for the best.

Go gently on me please, in feeling really fragile

Lucky you, OP! Go for it!

I'm upset with myself for not pushing for more opportunities to move overseas, in my own career and DH's. And my reason all along was my parents. Having been through the mill with them and worked some stuff out in my head, I wish I had been more selfish and gone for it.

Your Mum's only 6 years older than me! That's not old, not at all [hgrin]

Please don't give in to your mum, do what's best for you, your DH and your DCs.

50??!!

Bloody hell that´s me!!!

My Dad has just given up flying to us-he´s in his 80s & after being very ill last year just can´t do it anymore.

YABU your DM sounds unwell. Some things in life are more important than money I hope all turns out well for everyone in the end

My 60yo mil won't get a direct train from her home town to my little village. No changes required. You can't help some people.

Sookeh, this adventure could be the making of you.
'The Emancipation of Sookeh' - would make a good book title.

I totally agree with the suggestion that you might benefit from looking into how your mental health is might be entertwined with your mother's manipulative behaviour.
You will NOT be lonely - you will have the time of your life.
Your DC will NOT hate it - they will love it. And young as they are, they will make memories for life (we lived in the States when I was between 3 and 6 and I have many, many memories of that time)

If your mum choses not to visit you, that is her good right, but is nothing to do with you.

Oh, I am quite envious of you embarking on this - very best of luck; starting with the trip to the passport office...

Allowing myself to be a teeny bit excited now with DH talking about taking me to dinner and a broadway show .

She's behaving appallingly

Good luck and it sounds a fantastic opportunity.

"the children will hate it, that I'll be lonely and won't make friends." What a load of old tosh! Children are super-adaptable, Americans are friendly and community life is often great - and when you have a family it's easier to make friends I've found. My sister lived in the US for 18 months and had a blast. As will you I am very sure

That's brilliant op . As an aside, I have moved away from my parents and little by little I unravel how and why they affected my view of myself. They have strong reasons why they are unable to be emotionally mature parents and so I am able to forgive them, but am still so grateful that the distance between us helps me to shake off the effects of how they are. As a result of this, and counselling to unravel it, I am a stronger person. You might find that your mental health improves immeasurably when you have less contact with your mum. Good for you for not wanting to speak ill of your mum, you don't have to in order to also acknowledge the effect her behaviour has on you. It's not necessarily her fault.

Really, you'll all love it.

The space, the food and the people will make it a fabulous experience. Everything is bigger in America and fantastic, you'll love it!

She is fifty! I'm 43 and emigrating next year! :) Please start getting excited, this will be so good for you I think, and your mum will hopefully get a grip.

She's my age. Too old to do what FFS? I don't think I'm too old to do anything I want to do.

Tell her to get a grip, or you won't see her at all in the run up to going. DO NOT pass up such an opportunity because of a blackmailing parent, you'll live to regret it.

She is 5 years older than me! I agree with PP who have said this sounds like MH issue. I lived abroad when I was younger. It really is a great opportunity.

Congratulations to your husband - I hope you have a wonderful life out there.

I agree that you need to put yourself and your family unit first.

Either your mother has mental health problems or she's a manipulative bully. Whichever it is, don't let her control and damage you.

Your mother is being really quite bonkers. Don't let her manipulate you.

If you don't go you will regret it forever!

This is such an amazing opportunity for you all - congratulations!

I know my mum would probably have a similar (but hopefully not quite so dramatic) reaction if I was in your position, but she is 73, genuinely cannot travel for health reasons and DD and I are the only child and grandchild.

Your mum is lucky enough to havr a DH who is up for doing the journey to visit you all, plus two more children to support her. Not that any of that makes your little family any less important to her but it's not as if she's dealing with the situation alone.

I know it will be a tough time, but I suspect she will get I've herself eventually. In the meantime, perhaps you could see your GP and make sure you have appropriate support in place to help you cope with all the changes and her reaction to them.

Wishing you the very best of luck on your big adventure!

We had this opportunity when DS1 was a year old. Had the same manipulation. And i will always regret that we gave in to it. [hsad]

50?? 50??? No way that's too old to travel.

I feel your Mum's pain as I already dread the possibility of my DD choosing to emigrate, but I would do everything in my power to keep that to myself and wish her well.

Good luck

She sounds awful and very manipulating. It's a horrible situation for you to be in - but I think you have to keep saying over again to yourself that SHE is the only person that is responsible for her actions. If she did choose to harm herself in anyway, that would be HER choice and not your fault. She's an adult, for goodness sake - you can't let her manipulate you. This is YOUR time to have a life and you should grab it whilst you can. I hope you have a fantastic time.

Let me say very clearly that you absolutely should go. It's a wonderful opportunity for you all and there's no question that you should take it.

However, be kind to your mum. I know everyone is saying about how she is manipulating you with all the emotional blackmail, and yes, she is. But her world has just been shattered. I know that sounds dramatic, but that's how I'd feel if I thought one of my DCs was going away for good and taking my DGCs with them. I wouldn't (I hope) try and stand in their way, but I would be devastated.

Try and get her to understand that it is going to happen and that she needs to make sure that you part on good terms, if only for the childrens' sakes, therefore she needs to stop this hysterical behaviour now.

Would she be open to some form of counselling so that it would help her come to terms and possibly deal with her fear of travel so that she can come out to you?

And well done to your DH!!

OP, I would go in a flash!

Glastocat, is your mum/are you aware that if at least half of your children have emigrated to Australia, parents can go too? That may not be what you want to hear, mind!

My Dad still flies aged 92!
You (and your Mum) can do anything you put your minds to if you choose to.
Support your husband and go with him and your children.
You'll have a ball.

Oh Dear poor you OP. My MIL tried to get Dh to divorce me and let her raise Ds when we said we were moving back to UK (she's in US too) So much for that idea Dh cut her off and she hasn't even met younger two DGC's This was the end of life of stunts like this, Dh had had enough.