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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu re childcare comments

359 replies

sleepdodger · 01/09/2012 01:17

Im RL and on here alot recently I've been met with gasps when people digest I work ft and then realize DS 17mo is in ft nursery for about 50hrs a week
Do people not realize what full time hours mean?
Why do people assume its ok to question 'couldn't you do pt' etc - presumably no they can't afford it or choose not to...
Often then followed by 'is he (DS) ok there' in hushed tone
Then followed by 'no family able to help?'
It's not been mentioned much until now, he's been in nursery since 10mo but it's starting to get to me a bit :-(

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 01/09/2012 01:22

It's OK for other people to say what they think.

Is it the way they're saying it that's getting to you, or the fact that you feel you're coming across too often and people should mind their own?

foxinsocks · 01/09/2012 01:22

They think they are coming up with alternatives that you couldn't think of yourself

It ain't helpful but you'll carry on getting it.

My children old now and I got told they had turned out very nicely 'considering' lol

You need to oil that hard skin of yours because it won't stop.

HolyOlympicNamechangeBatman · 01/09/2012 01:26

It's your choice and people should mind their own business, though from what you've said no-one has been particularly offensive/nasty about your choice, just a bit nosey.

Honestly, I would never comment on someone's childcare choice unless they asked me, but I hate the thought of a small child being at nursery 50 hours a week. Where does that come from? Working in nurseries.

foxinsocks · 01/09/2012 01:30

I found the best way to stop it dead was to say 'oh yes we are all happy with the arrangements'

Show any sign of weakness and you'll have them on for HOURS about applying for part time, roping in your mother in law even if she is 400 miles away and downsizing even if none of the above are possible or what you want

NoComet · 01/09/2012 01:33

One of my anti natal group did this and yes I did think what's the point in having children you never see?

But I would never say so to her face.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/09/2012 01:35

See, as demonstrated above, you'll even get people posting about it on here. People should just mind their own freaking business. If you wanted to/could work less, surely you would do. Ditto having family to help. How on earth is making comments helpful?

My two seem to have survived full-time childcare without any major long-term damage.

Some children who are home full time are terribly damaged by horrible parents.

Some parents are bad at being parents, some are good at it. I fail to see how hours/week spend in the care of qualified professionals makes any real difference.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/09/2012 01:36

Starball - so you say it to a stranger's face instead? WTAF?

I cannot get over how rude and judgemental some people are about other's choices.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2012 01:39

I would say Star is right to go about it like that Annie, nobody can dictate what you think, but you can decide what comes out your mouth.

I think all sorts all the time, but I keep my trap shut because it's nowt to do with me.

I even manage to keep the catsbum mouth off my face sometimes

It's not being rude not to say anything.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2012 01:41

And the difference on here is that the OP did ask what Star thought, I know that's used sometimes to spout shit at an OP for no reason, but Star didn't say it to point score, she was just giving her opinion.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/09/2012 01:51

AgentZigzag - I read the OP as sleepdodger saying she is upset about people criticising her for using full time childcare. So what do HolyOlympicNamechangeBatman and StarBallBunny do? Immediately criticise her for using childcare, and StarBallBunny even trots out the old "why have children you never see" line, which is just about as insulting to working parents as you can get. Perhaps she didn't say it to the person in her AN group, but by posting on here, she's saying it to the OP.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/09/2012 01:52

I must have missed the part where the OP asked what Star thought, and I still can't see it.

HolyOlympicNamechangeBatman · 01/09/2012 01:57

errr Annie just to clarify I'm not 'criticising her for using full time childcare'. Firstly, I'm not criticising at all, I'm simply giving my opinion and secondly I was commenting on nurseries specifically not general 'childcare'. I'm a nanny now and don't feel the same way about small children being left for 50 hours a week with a nanny or a childminder as I do about them being left in a nursery.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2012 02:01

Posting a thread is inviting opinions about what you've written isn't it Annie?

To me she's asked whether other people realise what working ft means, and why someone might respond in the same way the people she's come across have.

Although Star didn't give any reasons as to why she thought what she posted, it's not in the rules that you have to.

Those are the people who the OP should be questioning if she wants to get into why others might say such things.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/09/2012 02:03

Well, you are criticising her, HolyOlympic. How else would you define saying "I hate the thought of a small child being at nursery 50 hours a week" to someone who has just said that they do that very thing?

Nannies may be ideal but very few people can afford them. Childminders may also be a good option, but not always practical - if you can't arrange alternative childcare at short notice, childminders and nannies have the huge drawback of leaving you in the lurch when they're sick or take leave. Plus they're not always available. I had to go on a 1-year waiting list for one of the 4 cms in our village.

People do the best they can by their children, how on earth is it helpful to make "oooh, I wouldn't treat my child like that" comments?

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2012 02:06

Are you saying HolyOlympic shouldn't have given her opinion Annie?

NoComet · 01/09/2012 02:06

Certainly not personal to the OP, people can find themselves in very difficult positions.

Personally I don't think putting tiny DCs in child care 5 days a week is ideal for the child or it's parents.

CM, nannies and nursery workers, however good, do not interact with DCs like a parent or grandparent who truly loves the child does.

They are more detached and don't chatter away in the same way as I would to my DDs. They're not as tactile, it's just a different relationship.

Conversely they may be infinitely more patient.

I love my DDs to bits and am a SAHM, but I still sent DD2 to nursery one day a week from 18 months.

24/7 small DCs does my head in and with her sister at school I loved the peace.

She loved the company.

I think really the whole issue boils down to the fact that neither nursery or staying home with just mum is ideal.
We evolved to live in extended families with siblings aunts and cousins. Modern life can't be a perfect substitute for most DCs.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/09/2012 02:07

AgentZigzag - I guess we interpret the thread differently. The OP seems to me to be asking why people might question her choice of childcare arrangement and suggest others for her. All she has had back is comments that children shouldn't be in nursery for so many hours a week.

So I guess the basic answer to her question is that some people think babies shouldn't be in nursery for 50 hours a week. Hardly a constructive answer.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/09/2012 02:09

Of course she can give her opinion, but forgive me if I have trouble understanding why someone would give an opinion that is purely hurtful. It just seems cruel.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2012 02:15

I think we might be, because I would say posters are absolutely fine saying they don't think babies should be in a nursery for 50 hours a week.

Unless I need to be careful in case the Thought Police start enforcing, it's up to posters to decide how and what they answer (within reason).

There's nothing outlandish in the posts, they just agree with the people the OPs come up against.

HolyOlympicNamechangeBatman · 01/09/2012 02:15

I would define it as giving my opinion. I don't view anyone with a different opinion to me as criticising me tbh.

With regards to the nanny/childminder thing, it's not really relevant to this thread, but it often comes up in rl and on here 'x is wrong with my child's nursery', and then when they're asked 'why don't you try a childminder/nanny/nanny share' they answer 'Oh, I'd never considered that'. It's not always the case that people have tried and failed to get a childminder. Also not relevant to this thread is the nanny/childminder being off sick thing; nurseries don't take sick children and ime children are sick far more than nannies/childminders.

Of course some people have the choice of nanny or childminder, but choose a nursery. I think they're wrong, but I don't think they're criticising me because their choice is different to mine. I also wouldn't comment unless asked.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2012 02:18

Is it cruel to say you can understand someone else's POV?

I would reserve that description for a poster who was deliberately twisting the knife, not politely expressing their opinion.

HolyOlympicNamechangeBatman · 01/09/2012 02:23

'The OP seems to me to be asking why people might question her choice of childcare arrangement and suggest others for her'

Ok, I'll answer that then Annie.

  1. People are nosey and will comment on all sorts of things that don't concern them.
  1. Childcare is an emotive issue. People care about children. People care about what happens to children. This prompts people to make comments when they see someone making a choice they see as detrimental to a child. This is why I commented as I did. It's also why I can't bite my toungue on ear piercing threads or threads about smoking over children. It's why some people get really irate about vaccinations or bf/ff. People care about what happens to other people's children. Simple, and really quite nice I think, certainly better than if no-one gave a shit what you did with you DS.
solidgoldbrass · 01/09/2012 02:35

It's unfortunate that the western world or industry and employment (as opposed to trading as an individual/family) has been structured in such a way that most people have to have their DC looked after by someone else for a large amount of the time. Sometimes the person looking after the DC is called a nanny or childminder and is paid a set wage for doing so. Sometimes the person looking after the DC is called a 'wife' and is expected to do so in return for her keep. And yes, sometimes the person who looks after the DC is a man, but a man who is a SAHP will get the same amount of general whinyarsed (and occasionally well-meaning-but-stupid) interference from other people as a FT-working woman.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2012 02:39

Spit it out SGB, what you're saying is if you look after children, expect to be slated Grin

There are loads of things I could be slated about regarding my DDs, I just can't handle criticism so don't post about them.

marcopront · 01/09/2012 06:16

StarBallBunny said

"CM, nannies and nursery workers, however good, do not interact with DCs like a parent or grandparent who truly loves the child does.

They are more detached and don't chatter away in the same way as I would to my DDs. They're not as tactile, it's just a different relationship."

I find this very insulting. My daughter was with a nanny from 3 months. I had no choice, my accommodation came with my job and her Dad didn't work. Then we moved and she was with a childminder.

Both if them loved her, both of them talked to her constantly, hugged her, played with her and were not in any way detached.

We have moved somewhere else and visited them both recently - guess what they both still hugged her and talked to her.

Maybe you have had bad experiences with childcare StarBallBunny but not all of us have. I love my DD i choose people to look after her who would love her too.