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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu re childcare comments

359 replies

sleepdodger · 01/09/2012 01:17

Im RL and on here alot recently I've been met with gasps when people digest I work ft and then realize DS 17mo is in ft nursery for about 50hrs a week
Do people not realize what full time hours mean?
Why do people assume its ok to question 'couldn't you do pt' etc - presumably no they can't afford it or choose not to...
Often then followed by 'is he (DS) ok there' in hushed tone
Then followed by 'no family able to help?'
It's not been mentioned much until now, he's been in nursery since 10mo but it's starting to get to me a bit :-(

OP posts:
BlackholesAndRevelations · 01/09/2012 08:59

PS To the poster who suggested star had hit a raw nerve: not at all. She can sod off for making an OP feel bad in the exact same way as described in the OP! Unhelpful. Yes everyone is entitled to their opinion but it was just rude and pointless in this case.

Rubirosa · 01/09/2012 08:59

Blackholes, no I'd still suggest it isn't a good idea and there are ways round it. Full days in nursery are hard.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 01/09/2012 09:00

It probably boils down to people thinking that they've made the best choices. Not only do they not understand why other people might have to do things differently, but it undermines they're decision, so to make themselves feel better about what they're doing, they have to make sure that you feel bad. Its madness. As long as the child is being cared for, people can jog on.

I work part time in the evenings, because that's what works for us. If I went back to the sort of full time work I was doing before, I'd probably make less money after forking out for childcare. I assure you, I have plenty of unhelpful comments about not using my degree. You can't please everyone.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 01/09/2012 09:00

Then you're probably one of those people as described in the OP. Think before you speak.

janey68 · 01/09/2012 09:01

Holyolympic said that she wouldn't want to use a nursery because staff don't interact with the children and aren't tactile etc and she KNOWS this Because she used to be a nursery worker.

As I said upthread, that tells us more about her poor working skills and work history than anything about other people's choices and experiences.

I'm waiting for her to backpedal frantically now and say, no, she was amazing with the kids, it was just everyone else who was rubbish Grin

BlackholesAndRevelations · 01/09/2012 09:01

Sorry my last comment was to Rubirosa

BlackholesAndRevelations · 01/09/2012 09:02

Quite, janey! Grin

ll31 · 01/09/2012 09:03

ignore ignore is all u can do op. its annoyinng and upseting cos what we prob worry most about is our children and so take comments like u describe v much too heart whereas if comments were about any other aspect of life we'd dismiss it. for what its worth i prefer nurSery to childminder or nanny anyway

Rubirosa · 01/09/2012 09:08

Janey - I work in an outstanding nursery and most of the staff are indeed outstanding with the children. I've used both a CM and nursery for my ds and have been mostly very happy with the care he has received. However, I have not met many nursery workers who would send their own children to nursery full time. It's not about nurseries being good or bad (there are good and bad nurseries of course) it's about the appropriateness of that kind of care for very long hours and for very small children

procrastinor · 01/09/2012 09:12

I used to get all upset by these comments and had a particularly good weep at a comment posted on MN Blush. Now? Meh. Each to their own. My ds is loved and is a happy man. He doesn't seem to be turning into a feral child because me and his dad work ft (even worse DH lives away from us during the week and comes home on weekends).

I think we all get quite defensive about the choices we make even if we are happy with them. There is this quasi ideal that we imagine people are holding us to so if someone makes a comment even if it's actually non-judgemental and helpful we perceive it to be a criticism. I think in reality people are less judgey than comes across on MN.

NameChangeGalore · 01/09/2012 09:13

Janey, my dd starts school next week, so if I get a job DS will get the same experience and the cost will be the same. I heard that 2 year old's will be getting 10 hours of free nursery in the future. Hopefully that's true! Will definitely help with costs.

randomswitch · 01/09/2012 09:19

Procrastinator I hope you are right that people are less judgemental than they appear in posts as I find it quite depressing sometimes that people are like this. Mind you it is hard to know how else to take comments like ' poor child. Please don't have any more' such as one delight posted earlier.
And actually I have a friend who is so judgemental of other mum's that I rather suspect she may stop being my pal when I have my kid and she sees my parenting style! : )

shesariver · 01/09/2012 09:21

kilmuir
Poor child, please don't have any more children

What a nasty piece of work you must be, and your opinion is so bad its laughable - its certainly not your place to try and dictate this to people.

Sirzy · 01/09/2012 09:29

Rubisora - I do wonder if (in the nicest possible way) that is because most childcare workers couldn't afford to send their children to nursery full time? I know of one at the nursery DS went to who did but her partner was pretty well paid, every other member of staff which pre school children sent their child their for some of the week though which I do think speaks volumes.

Born2bemild · 01/09/2012 09:30

Yanbu. They are rude, nosy and mean people imo. They are not trying to help, they are boosting their own self worth.
My dc used to do abiut 18 hrs in childcare, termtime only, and I still got this. Then I remember one of these women telling me she fed her dc ready meals every single night and sent them to nursery , even though she was at home, which I would never do, even with less time. That was when I realised that parents come in all shapes and sizes and that a sahm can make decisions I would not.
As to dealing with them, a long stare and walking away might do the job.

tiggytape · 01/09/2012 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rubirosa · 01/09/2012 09:37

Of course Sirzy, it only tends to be fairly wealthy people who use full time nursery care because they have a lifestyle to maintain. My nursery is in a fairly working class/lower middle area and we have very few full time children, most do three days at most. You have to be a higher than average earner for it to be worth spending £1000+ a month on childcare.

ExitStencilist · 01/09/2012 09:45

People gasp really? I don't believe you. Tonnes of people work full time, especially if they have only one child, I barely know anyone who didn't/doesn't at that stage.

I think it far more likely that it is you, OP, who is insecure about your choices and are overplaying other peoples reactions.

Original poster
sleepdodger · 01/09/2012 09:49

Wow I hadn't expected such a response
I guess whilst I have thick skin and am happy with our decision the confidence gets chipped away when comments become continual
I work in a well paid ft role which isn't possible to do in any capacity or salary pt
I am our family main breadwinner yet because of redundancy threat dh couldn't give up anyway
I guess I posted on here wondering if this was a normal thing for ft workers
Fwiw pre DS I did c70hr week now 45 is pt in this industry Hmm

OP posts:
IawnCont · 01/09/2012 09:51

I agree with whoever said that for some people it can be a choice- We made the choice that I wouldn't work full time, and that we would take a cut in income, get rid of one car, no holidays etc etc. We were lucky to be in a position to make this choice, and it's been absolutely the right one for us.
But that doesn't make it right for everyone. Live and let live.

Original poster
sleepdodger · 01/09/2012 10:00

Fwiw yes people do gasp, intake breath etc
Nursery ft here is c.800 ft less salary sacrifice vouchers, still alot but 2k a year less than you assumed

OP posts:
Rubirosa · 01/09/2012 10:06

If you have decided that full time nursery is the best thing for you, then you just have to be confident in your choices. But, some other people will be suprised and might assume that you would prefer to find a way to reduce childcare hours.

solidgoldbrass · 01/09/2012 10:11

Some people just like to bully women. We're not that far away from the days when women were property, not people, so the idea of them having choices at all is still frightening to some stupid people. And the whole Sacred Cult of Motherhood thing was an invention driven by economics not the wellbeing of children. As soon as there comes a time when the government of the day needs every able-bodied adult to be working, there will be a huge crop of Proper Studies demonstrating that full=time nursery care is the best possible thing for children.
SO basically, do what suits you and your family and laugh at whinyarses who think it's any of their business. They're only demonstrating their own stupidity.

ssd · 01/09/2012 10:13

op, trust me you cant win

if you work you get the catsbunm face

if you dont your you still get it

Kewcumber · 01/09/2012 10:15

OP - assuming your Dh doesn't get these comments (it rarely happens in my experience) then reply with "thats a good idea it might be possible for DH to cut his hours, why don't you suggest that to him"

My DS knew his Cm better than he knew my sister (and probably still does) but there would have been no judgement if my sister had looked after him. AS it happens in our case there is no genetic link between DS and my sister so I can't see the argument that family is automatically better than professional childcare.

Most parents do their best and most children turn out just fine. You can't tell the difference between those friends who were SAHM, WOHP or a combo of both y their children now and I really don't understand why people get married if they're not going to spend all day with their spouse.