Aibu re childcare comments

[sleepdodger]

Im RL and on here alot recently I've been met with gasps when people digest I work ft and then realize DS 17mo is in ft nursery for about 50hrs a week
Do people not realize what full time hours mean?
Why do people assume its ok to question 'couldn't you do pt' etc - presumably no they can't afford it or choose not to...
Often then followed by 'is he (DS) ok there' in hushed tone
Then followed by 'no family able to help?'
It's not been mentioned much until now, he's been in nursery since 10mo but it's starting to get to me a bit :-(

It is entirely up to you what arrangements you make for your child.
I hate the idea of such a young child being in institutional care for 50 hours a week.
A good childminder would be better.
To me the best 'investment' parents can make for their children is time not money but not everyone has the luxury of choice and if childcare is essential then I am sure you have researched and chosen the best available.
I went back to teach pt when dd was 8 months old.I used a cm and paid her exactly half my salary because it didnt seem right that I was earning more for working with other dc than she was for caring for my dd.She only had my dd and her own ds.
The arrangement continued until the dc went to school.

Oh yes I'm liking the idea of a guilt cage. I might stick mine in a guilt cage next school holiday instead of childminder

lol,institutional care
rows of whey faced weans,whimpering for absent parents
i pay a lot of money for institutional care ill have you know

I feel for you, its sad how many adults don't think before they speak.

Think of a perhaps sharp 'no' when met with these rude questions.

I wrote an earlier post stating misgivings I would have about a baby/small child being in nursery fulltime.

My misgivings are not so much about whether or not they'll be well adjusted teens/adults, but about what the day to day experience is for a baby being up and out of the house early every week day, regardless of how tired they are or how they're feeling (unless obviously unwell) and spending all day out of the house and with large groups of people, more time than lots of adults do.

Obviously the individual child's personality has big part to play in this, some kids are social and love being around people all the time, some aren't.

I'm not trying to make people feel guilty about whatever childcare arrangement they make. If people are confident and happy that their kids are happy then that's great and other people's comments shouldn't matter.

And no I'm not a SAHM!

I think this thread has shown that parents who use childcare are very aware of the factors to consider when selecting care. Tbh they are more likely to be well informed than a parent who doesnt use childcare.
Most people have also agreed that they personally wouldn't choose nursery care for a very young baby, and would probably opt for nanny or cm, but would assume that where parents do choose it, they are likely to have specific reasons

Btw I don't agree with the point about spending all day with large groups of people. Babies In a nursery are likely to be in a very small group. I don't really understand the point about getting up early. Many young children are awake early anyway... I'm always seeing threads about children waking at 5.30 or 6!

Really though, this is such a hypothetical argument anyway as very few mums return to work really early on now, and where they do they tend to use home - based care. The op is actually talking about a healthy happy 17 month old!

oh janey stop letting logic get in the way of a good argument

Janey68 I was actually thinking much more about toddlers than young babies, who are less aware whether they are in a large group than a 1, 2 or 3 year old would be. My 4 yr old only really started enjoying being in a big group of children at about 3 (admittedly an introvert, I know other toddlers love it).

On the waking up thing, I often have to wake my kids (2 and 4) on the days I work to get them out of the house - I'm glad for their sake that I don't have to do that every day. They never wake up at 5 or 6 (thank goodness!)

Just goes to show kids are different - doesn't change my view that 50+ hours in a nursery isn't ideal for some babies/toddlers/preschoolers.

I don't think childcare has any negative effect on children. I say that as a developmental psychologist who has assessed children who were cared for in really shit circumstances both at home and in childcare. Children are incredibly adaptable - they need certain things and they glean them by whatever means necessary. unless the situation is severely neglectful or abusive most children will come through unharmed.

What strikes me as sad about a child being in childcare 50 hours a week is how much the child's parents are missing out on. I've been a sahm for the past 20 months and the time has flown by incredibly quickly. I think i would feel left out if my son's life if i didn't see him for 50 hours if every week and if someone else was spending those large chunks of time with him, time when he's learning so much. I don't think staying at home with a child is necessary at all but i do think 50 hours a week away from them is too much. And i think that's true for both mums and dads. I know it's unavoidable for many parents. I just find it sad to think that they'll look back in their children's childhoods and feel they missed most if it.

Nope, don't feel I missed out on ds' childhood.

Saw and shared plenty of experiences with ds - just not during working hours. Loved the time I spent with him. Loved the time I spent at work ok, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration

A wise friend once said to me "A first step is the first time you see it - don't get yourself worked up about things that might happen when you are not there" (as it happens, ds' first steps were during the Christmas holidays)

I do not feel I missed out on my DCs childhoods at all. Not one bit. I may have worked full time, but I was the one who was there in the morning, doing all the normal morning stuff and I was the one who picked them up in the evening, had dinner with them, bath, bedtime etc.

I did not want to stay at home with my children full time, it was my choice to return to work full time because I love my job and at the time I became a mother, I did not automatically have to relinquish being me.
And you can say thats selfish and that's your opinion. It's irrelevant tbh.

The point is I do not regret working full time, using full time nursery etc one bit. I do not feel my DCs missed out by not having a SAHP, I think the nursery was fantastic and did loads of activities I would not have done if I was a SAHM, and they are still happy (for the most part) cared for, loved children.

Like i say, i don't think it's necessary at all for a parent to be at home full time. I just think 50 hours a week is a lot. If i were away from my ds 50 hours a week i'd inly see him awake 1 hour a day on average during the working week. That seems like a tiny amount of time and it's likely he'd be tired/waking up during that hour.

All kids are different - and all jobs are different.

My ds woke up/was woken up between 6 and 7. I would have a lovely cuddle and breastfeed before getting him dressed and taking him to the childminder's at about 8.

Picking him up between 5.30 and 6, I would then have over 2 hours of enjoyable time with him, before putting him down to sleep at 8. He was a brilliant sleeper, which helped.

I could and did do some work occasionally from home - but couldn't have done it if ds was there as I couldn't have given it the appropriate professional attention.

Fair enough pretty. Three hours a day still wouldn't be enough for me though, partly because my ds us grouchy in the morning and quiet in the evening so i would miss out on his lively interactive time.

I can't be bothered to read all of this drivel because I am a truly bad mother. DS went to Nursery 8-4 every day from 16 weeks, as I worked FT. Nobody around us to help but even if there had been I would have prefered to have that control over his upbringing. And I watch in horror some friends and family who abuse GPs, and make ridiculous demands on them. And then leave them at weekends to go out. DS is an only child too and and August born (and he's left handed!). And we sent him to a private school. And when he started there he went to the After School Club - every day. And when he was 11 months, DH and I went away for a week without him - to Beijing! Left him with the GPs. Told you I was a bad mother. But he's happy, well adjusted, 16 and has just done really well in his GCSEs. OP I have heard it all - you do what is best for you and ignore the rest. I got the catsbum face a lot when DS was smaller, mainly from SAHMs, who then had the gall to say that teachers with children understood their precious darlings better. Double standards anyone?

I just find it sad to think that they'll look back in their children's childhoods and feel they missed most if it

But callin you are being very presumptous, projecting how you would feel onto others, where in reality you have no idea how others would feel - "missed most of their childhoods" - still cant get over that, what a pile of crap!!

Quite a few here have said they dont feel they have missed out, and thats me to, theres plenty of time. I think DS3 in paticular would have missed out on some rather essential things if I hadnt gone back to work full time.

I don't think there's any need to get cross. I work ft and I agree with Cailin - DS is perfectly happy at te cm but I miss him which is why I work flexibly and use my holiday allowance as odd days here and there throughout the year.

'I can't be bothered to read all of this drivel'

You can't be arsed to RTFT, but you're quite happy to condemn it as drivel.

Are you thinking yours will be the only good post on the thread in that case? Or are you only slating the posters who wouldn't agree with your views as bollocks?

that's why I worked flexibly and never full time. My friend waked her son at 6am so she can get ready for work, and when she collects him from nursery, he's ready for bed. So she gets about half an hour a day when he's actually awake. That wouldn't be enough time for me. I would've ended up depressed. It is a very personal thing. Most full time WOHM's I know think I'm mad to be a SAHM again (I work from home about 10 hrs a week), but I wonder how they can stand to only see their child for 30 mins a day. If you do what you do through choice and design, you'll probably, even if only at a subconscious level,wonder why someone else does it so very differently and is happy.

it's the reason why a family with one child will wonder what the hell a family with four kids is thinking...it's hard to understand what makes others tick. I bet if you asked a few of the more sneery WOHM's on this thread to list several positives about being a SAHM, they'd struggle. And ditto the other way around.

people will always have a view. I worked FT when older dc were little, did PT for a while, worked FT again for years, recently done career change to fit in with dd3s school hours for the first couple of years and will prob work FT again in the future.

at every level people have commented. i do as i please and take no notice. i never ever comment on others choices. i was told often that i was mad and bad for my choices.

feck em- you will need a thicker skin for the next couple of years.

having an opinion and voicing it are two different things.
I listen to my friend talking about her daily routine- early morning, commute, get baby home, bath him, straight to bed, start the house work, and I know I would really hate her life. And yes, I do think it's a shame for them both that she can't cut her hours. But do I tell her that? No. Because she's my friend. I support her. It's not my place to tell her what I think about it. And she probably has her own thoughts about my situation. It's human nature.

No Zigzag I don't think mine is the only valid opinion but I have seen an awful lot of precious little children wrapped in cotton wool who at the age of my DC (16) still find it hard to sneeze or make a decision without talking to Mummy first. Most of these were never left in childcare. As I said my DS is a LO and it is very important to me that he is firstly happy, then balanced and independent. And I have lost count of the bile that has been spouted at me for leaving him in childcare while my DP and I worked FT. If I dared criticise people who treat their DSs like porcelain I would get short shrift for having an opinion, and yet the reverse is not true. Double standards.

Sweeping generalisations about namby pamby, snotty nosed, still tied to their mums apron strings children have made your opinion very clear luckylavender.

The way your son has turned out is all down to your fantastically great parenting, which is so much better than the rest of us that your superiority shines though without even having to bother reading our posts.

If you're the same in real life as you've posted on here, I doubt any bile aimed at you has anything to do with your opinions on childcare.

So are you trying to say children who have never been in childcare are unable to make decisions and are wrapped in cotton wool?
What a ridiculous statement.