Aibu re childcare comments

[sleepdodger]

Im RL and on here alot recently I've been met with gasps when people digest I work ft and then realize DS 17mo is in ft nursery for about 50hrs a week
Do people not realize what full time hours mean?
Why do people assume its ok to question 'couldn't you do pt' etc - presumably no they can't afford it or choose not to...
Often then followed by 'is he (DS) ok there' in hushed tone
Then followed by 'no family able to help?'
It's not been mentioned much until now, he's been in nursery since 10mo but it's starting to get to me a bit :-(

It was going to be 10 three hour sessions of free education at an accredited nursery or childminder, extended to 2 year olds.

It was one of the first things to be scrapped by the coalition as too expensive.

At present, the entitlement is 5 sessions for 3 to 4 year olds, starting the term after their 3rd birthday. Some disadvantaged 2 year olds are also included in the scheme.

You know, in RL, sometimes you should keep certain opinions to yourself. A former colleague expressed her distaste for full time childcare and said she would be a SAHM. She insulted about five mothers in her proximity. Now, I always thought that particular colleague, who had a chin like Jimmy Hill, was a bit unfortunate looking, but, knowing how hurtful it would be, kept such an opinion to myself.

I get these from ds's nursery and it can be upsetting.

Sometimes I think people would be happier if we went on the dole and sat on our arses all day with everything paid for.

Neither DP or I can get home in time to pick ds up so we have a friend get him and every morning there's some snarky comment from his room head that it's difficult to liaise with us... Even though they see me every morning and have both mine and DPs phone numbers!

One of these days I may have to make the suggestion that it's us workIng parents who pay her wages do she should have a bit more respect!

Do you knw what infuriates me about this? It's only women who have to put up with this shit. My husband is away from home 60 hours a week t least with his job. He regularly gets no more than 30 mins with the kids over the over the course of the day. We realised recently that he has no idea what a lot of the kids clothes look like because they are always in pjs when he sees them.
No one has ever asked him why he bothered having kids if he never sees them. Or even asked him what his child care arrangments never mind suggest alternatives. I bet no one has ever even thought of it.
OP next time anyone comments just say 'oh you'll have to mention that to my DH, he organises all the childcare. He works as well'

I feel sorry for children in nursery 8-6 every day. So do most of the people I work with. We do understand how it is necessary though.

It's irritating when people make judgy remarks about your choices without any knowledge of your circumstances. Some women can't afford to give up work, and some jobs don't have a part-time option.

As others have said, I think a lot of it's to validate their own choices / beliefs. Some people do seem to think that there's only one way to raise a child properly, and if you're doing things differently to them, you must be wrong. And you're never going to please everyone, no matter what you do.

In the OPs case, it seems more likely that her DH could give up work/go part time. I don't think it is true anymore that the assumption is that the woman has to be the one to stay at home - I know several couple where the woman is the breadwinner and the man works part time/from home/is a SAHD.

YANBU
The trouble is ppl often think it's acceptable to make judgements about matters that are not their concern.
There's a difference between talking about the differences in each of our choices and actually trying to make someone feel bad about theirs.
But it's human nature isn't it? Try not to worry too much about it.
Each of us has different circumstances and preferences and unless our choices are harmful to anyone ppl should butt out and mind their own.

Kilmuir: wind your neck back in and stop being so unpleasant.

People are allowed to have opinions about things, even if they are about things that are not their concern.

There are people I am tempted to think shouldn't have had children/hope they don't have any more.

However I'm talking about the ones who seriously abuse and neglect their kids. Not the parents who make sure their child is well cared for in a good nursery while they work hard to provide for the family. That is ridiculous.

I have never, ever heard anyone question why a man bothered having children if he was going to work full-time, or say they hope he never has another child because he goes out to work, or make 'helpful' suggestions to fathers about going part-time. It is incredibly sexist and unpleasant.

Funnily enough, I'm now on the receiving end of comments because I'm in the OPPOSITE position.
I've always worked part time since I had children, yes I agree I've been fortunate to want to and be able todoso.
However, now that they're getting quite independent I regularly get asked why I don't go back to full time. How about because I don't have to and I don't WANT to...... I've decided you can't win no matter what you do!

Agree ephiny.
People should save their concern for where it's merited- ie: where there is abuse/neglect etc. Which I'm sure we all know can go on whether the parents work or not

Not that the sort of snide comments on here have anything to do with genuine concern about children though. It's just unpleasant sniping because of insecurity.

I had my first experience of this last weekend when two women at a party separately expressed their pity at me being a SAHM. I laughed and said "no, I like being at home with him". (And wondered whether the fact that I probably earn more than them working 5-10 hours while he's asleep would have made a difference to their pity ).

Some people can't keep their silly judgements inside their heads. They are not the people it is worth worrying about.

Sleep dodger- the othe thing to remember when the doom and gloom merchants fret about your child, is that nurseries and childminders have been around a fair old while now, so they aren't some new and scary phenomenon.

My older work colleagues were probably in the front line of this, having children in the 80s when nurseries began to become more common and more and more women began to return after maternity leave. The children of these colleagues are now adults. I know, from the office conversation, the photos, having met some of them at parties , these adult children are lovely well adjusted people, most of them have been highly successful at university, have great relationships with their parents and partners. And when you think about it, these are the children who were in childcare from 3 months, because ML wasn't as long then

If it were really so simple that using childcare is damaging to children, and not using it makes them turn out absolutely fine- don't you think we'd be seeing the evidence of that by now?

The fact is: you and your dh are the primary carers and will have the greatest influence, and the children of any loving, caring and thoughtful parents are likely to be fine - whether the parents work or not.
Anyone who can't stomach that truth clearly has their own issues.

Care of children is an emotive issue and I think a lot of people care a lot about what happens to babies/children generally. Just b/c they say something critical about someone else's parenting doesn't mean they're JUST doing it to make themselves feel better. I think questioning whether babies should be in a nursery envt for 50+ hours a week is valid, although I agree it's mean and unhelpful to criticise someone personally without knowing the context.

But I don't agree that people who criticise f/time childcare for babies "are stupid"" or from Born2bemild that "Yanbu. They are rude, nosy and mean people imo. They are not trying to help, they are boosting their own self worth".

FWIW I totally agree with others' comments about the gender difference, I think it's just as sad that fathers are expected/have to/choose to work such long hours that their kids hardly see them. And not fair that women are the ones made to feel guilty or that childcare is all their responsibility.

Casting aspersions on someone's professional abilities because you disagree with their opinion is equally unpleasant and judgey, wouldn't you say, Janey?

Tanith- if someone comes on here admitting that as a worker in a childcare setting they didn't interact much with the children and weren't tactile enough, then it's hardly 'judging' them to acknowledge that their capability is lacking. They have judged themself. Completely unintentionally I expect !!

I agree with janey.

I would be concerned not just with that individual but the whole nursery if there is minimal interaction between staff and children.

Janey, that's not what she said.

It just wears a bit thin after a while doesn't it definitelydarwin, because there always one or two who pop up on these threads to tell us how they have cast iron proof that nurseries are terrible and the staff aren't competent because they used to work in one.

They don't seem to realise that a) they are shooting themselves in the foot by admitting their own lack of ability and b) the rest of us are probably pretty astute about selecting childcare for our children

I remember a classic one where an ex nursery worker expounded forth about how the children were all put down for their nap at the same time and fed at the same time regardless of whether it suited them. She obviously hadn't heard of child led nurseries where the little ones do those things when it suits them.

So say for example, a couple splits, father only sees the dc for one day a week, does that make him a worse parent, not as good as the mother who spends 6 days with them? Absolutely NOT! It's the time you spend with them that counts, unfortunately, bills have to be paid. Yanbu OP

Even in a brilliant nursery though, the staff aren't going to have the relationship with individual children that a parent or nanny has because you are dealing with children as a group so you don't have the individual contact. Older children particularly get a lot from their peers and doing group activities but it's of little or no benefit to babies.

Rubirosa- it's certainly of benefit to the baby if the alternative is the parents being homeless.

Honesty- why is it so hard to understand that people make decisions based on many variables.

Fwiw I would only use a nursery full time for a very young baby if I had no alternative- but i wouldn't judge anyone who does because i don't know the intimate details of their life and financial situation

Anyway someone who can afford full time nursery has no doubt got other options available such as nanny or cm, so I would assume they were making their decision on factors I know nothing about (and why should I- it's their life)

It's ironic because the one childcare set up which people genuinely have no control over is where they need to work for financial reasons but cannot afford childcare so use unpaid relatives. Those relatives may be great, or they may not be (often the latter judging by many of the disatisfied threads on here !) but the point is- there is NO choice there. Yet you never hear people banging on about how bad that situation is !

FWIW, ds was at a childminder's FT (roughly 8.15 to 5.45, sometimes slightly longer) from 4.5 months old (only got 4 months maternity leave back then :() and he was very happy - as was I. :)

The childminder was more like a mini nursery as there were 3 people doing it: my neighbour, her mother and MIL.

He would go in in the morning with a happy chuckle - and greet me in the evening in the same way. He was bf until he was 1, so I supplied bottles of ebm (and had to express at work).

Ds stayed there full time until he went to nursery (12 hours) and continued there part time (in the afternoons) until he went to school. He's nearly 12 now and still talks of his time there with fondness. He got plenty of love, stimulation and kindness. These are not uniquely restricted to family members.

You need to be confident in your own decisions. As someone has said, if the "judgers" sense doubt in you, they will home in on that. If you are happy, then nothing they say should matter - and you'll find that they soon shut up.

Your child. Your decisions.