Aibu re childcare comments

[sleepdodger]

Im RL and on here alot recently I've been met with gasps when people digest I work ft and then realize DS 17mo is in ft nursery for about 50hrs a week
Do people not realize what full time hours mean?
Why do people assume its ok to question 'couldn't you do pt' etc - presumably no they can't afford it or choose not to...
Often then followed by 'is he (DS) ok there' in hushed tone
Then followed by 'no family able to help?'
It's not been mentioned much until now, he's been in nursery since 10mo but it's starting to get to me a bit :-(

My DM is a CM and I take umbridge at your isea of CMs, Star

She adores her mindees. She talks nonstop to them, gathers them all up on her lap for stories, doles out lashings of hugs and kisses, searches for the perfect birthday and christmas presents for them, literally does everything the same as she did with me and my sister when we were little.

She is like a substitute mother to the children she minds. They adore her.

I totally disagree about the childcarers arent the same.A lot of mums on here say they dislike soft play, arts and crafts, being in woods etc.Childcare staff usually love all those things.

Also nursery staff I know hug the children and the children sit on their laps etc.

Also it is true that everyones opinion I would always choose nursery over a childminder.

I agree that's it's rude to criticise other people's choices but to be honest you're setting yourself up for a lot of opinions both + and - on mumsnet. Personally if I knew the negative comments would upset or anger me, I wouldn't post in a public forum.

You do what you have to do OP
My family were/are the same (they live over 200 miles from me) my DD1 went to nursery full time from 6 months, I had no choice I have a mortgage to pay, she loved it... I wish to god I could afford for DD2 to go when I go back to work in jan but I can't, we've got to get an aupair which is all we can afford, this has been met by numerous cat bum faces by my family. Tell them all to piss off and go watch Jeremy Kyle..

Oh and as for kids not getting the right love and attention my dd is 6 now and the girls from her nursery (most have moved on too) still come and take her out and see her.. They are all amazing and very much part of her life

Both my dcs started ft childcare at 10 month-ish. Due to moves etc, I've also had 1 year with Them in childcare pt (while I was studying) and 6 months as a SAHM. Tbh I'm a crap SAHM and it turns out I am a much better mum now I'm working ft and we really the time we have together.

Eldest dc has just started School (they start age 6 here) and goes to an after School club like All the other children. Since starting that in May, she has been back to her old nursery (where dc2 still is) lots of times because she wanted to say hello and has even spent a full Day there (suggested by her favourite nursery worker at no extra cost to me).

So I disagree that All nursery workers are cold and detached - the ones I've experienced have been very warm and open to the children with lots of hugs etc. You can't tar Them All with the same brush!

OP, it is unfair to keep having to constantly justify your decisions to others but I don't want the answer is, sorry. Can empathise though.

*really enjoy the time together

*don't know what the answer is

Goddammit I need more coffee

Another comment to add to what I said earlier.

The lady who looks after my daughter after school now shows her more love and affection than her Dad who if he can be bothered will talk to her a couple of times a week for about ten minutes.

You will always get comments like this I'm afraid. The best thing to do is just cut them short and say 'yes well that's just the way things are for us' and change the subject.

I ran a baby room in a nursery for years, I used to feel for the parents whose children attended the maximum hours as most didn't have a choice. If you work a 40 hour week and add on travel time its 50 hours!

However we had a policy that stated some point in the year parents must take their children out of nursery for two weeks. Either consecutively or a week at a time, not odd days. They weren't charged for this. This was put in place as we noticed some children were attending 50 hours a week all year round except bank holidays when we shut.

I have no issues with the use of nurseries the nursery Ds has just left was fantastic and I am hoping his new one is as good. I do sometimes feel a bit sorry for the children who are first one in last one out 5 days a week though, I know it's through necessity but it does still make me feel a bit sad. Possibly wrongly so but I can't help that.

A bit of self-selection bias here. Loads of working mums, loads of kids full-time in nurseries, just look at City or Canary Wharf. Lots of women either value their career and choose to work or simply cannot afford not to.
In my circle of friends and colleagues nobody would even consider questioning ft nursery, it is part of life. Those lucky to earn a lot can afford a ft nanny, but that's about it.
I personally worked 80 hrs/week before the baby, and it will be unlikely I could reduce them drastically when I go back after maternity. My company will offer me some flexibility initially, but that's it.
Oh, and my mother worked ft, I was in the nursery from very young, and did not have any issues. Ditto for my brother and may friends

*many friends

OP, I really feel for you. I am through necessity going back to work full time when dd is 5 months, and some of the (rich) women in my village look at me as if I've said I'm going to list her on eBay or something. "But WHO will look after her?" they cry. "Oh, some wolves." I feel like replying. I disapprove of many of their child rearing choices (level of freedom allowed, education, modes of discipline etc) but they are loving mothers who are not abusing their children, so I would never dream of saying so. But I think these types of comments stem from a blend of naivety (as to most people's financial situation), rudeness, and of course rampant sexism - noone says it to dads!

Some people are just rude and ignorant. I bet they wouldn't dream of making the same comments to a father who works full time.

(though probably part-time or SAH dads get their share of ignorant and sexist comments too)

Don't let it get to you (and maybe consider not asking on AIBU if certain opinions are likely to upset you :))

They do it because they are twats.

If it wasn't this, it would be something else. You could simply turn the attention back to them by asking why they are saying these things.

Or you could fight fire with fire and change the subject to something personal about them. People who make the comments in your OP are not on your side anyway.

OP you need to learn to ignore them. Your childcare arrangements aren't unusual or harmful and No one has the right to criticise them.
It fine for people to hold an opinion about childcare but not ok for them to share it unless you ask for it.
As for CM etc. Not showing love and interest I can only assume the poster hasn't met many childcare workers. My dd is showered in love and attention by her cm and often doesn't want to come home!

I made the choice to go back to full time work when DD was 3months old I have my own reasons for choosing a nursery at that time. What it has enabled me to do is climb the greasy pole to be the boss and no my good for nothing ExH has choosen to walk out on us with OW I can take more time off now when to be frank as an 8 year old DD needs me more.
My point is you can only make the best decision for you at the time. But in the long run we all have to make compromises at some point I am really glad I made my compromise at 3 months and that I don't have to make one now.

I was home f/t initially with my twins, moving to p/t when they were about 2.5. My littlest one (now 3) has been in f\t childcare since 10 months. I felt frustrated not working at times when the twins were small. I feel frustrated now not having more time with my daughter while she is little. However, firstly, each time it's been dictated by circumstances, not choice. We couldn't afford 2x childcare for the boys on our salaries at the time so as the lower earner I stayed home. And we can't afford for either of us not to work f/t now. We'd lose our house. And secondly, I honestly can't see much difference in happiness, evilness, gorgeousness, cleverness etc between my youngest and her brothers, despite their slightly different early childhood experiences. I take any comments about childcare 'decisions' with super large pinches of salt, tbh.

OP- snap, except I'm using cm. Are you completely at ease with your decision? Because IMHO these comments shouldn't bother you unless you're a) feeling guilty or b) have no choice and find it heartbreaking leaving your dc. In my case I suppose its a bit of both, and people's rude opinions matter more when I'm feeling particularly bad about it, but luckily I can ignore it most if the time because I'm happy with our choices. Geither way you do have my sympathy. And I agree star is being less than helpful and might as well sod off.

Linecat- good on you. Part of my decision to return to work ft is investment in the family's future.

Why do people have to 'sod off' just because they don't agree with the OP? Touches a nerve I think.