Aibu re childcare comments

[sleepdodger]

Im RL and on here alot recently I've been met with gasps when people digest I work ft and then realize DS 17mo is in ft nursery for about 50hrs a week
Do people not realize what full time hours mean?
Why do people assume its ok to question 'couldn't you do pt' etc - presumably no they can't afford it or choose not to...
Often then followed by 'is he (DS) ok there' in hushed tone
Then followed by 'no family able to help?'
It's not been mentioned much until now, he's been in nursery since 10mo but it's starting to get to me a bit :-(

As a mother you will be criticised for whatever you do (unlike many fathers) - I know many people criticise my choice to be a SAHM (even with a school age child ) - lots of people ask me 'when are you going back to work?' - I am older and very thick skinned so I have learned not to take any notice.

If you are confident in your choice then you shouldn't let other people's views upset you.

YANBU

This really gets my fucking goat. My DD is 16mo. I'm a professional and main earner in my household. If don't work then, life wouldn't be as comfortable and I couldn't provide my DD with the life experiences that I had as a child. I don't want to live in less desirable area, I don't want to worry about having enough money left at the end of the month to pay for shoes and I could afford a nanny but I want the nursery environment for my DD.

When I returned to work FT I was asked by many colleagues why I had returned to work full stop. I found comments like 'well I've still got a mortgage' 'no, my mother can't help, she's dead' and 'My MIL works herself and lives 100 miles away' didn't shut them up. One woman said that she didn't think that it was right that women were allowed to return to work until children were school age. Another thought that it was sad that I didn't want to look after my own child.

I've also had the helpful suggestions of downsizing, selling my car, moving in with parents etc.. I've just started to turn on my heels and walk away. If that's rude then I don't care. My family, our choices, our child and I don't have to validate them to anyone else.

You do what you have to or want to do. If it's detrimental, in your opinion, to your child then you will look at alternative arrangements.

Whatever, Kilmuir.

That's crap for you OP. How you care for your children is your own decision.

It happens the other way, too. I am a SAHM who works (from home) when the children are asleep. I get comments all the time. "Don't you think they'd be better off in a nursery?" "They probably won't know how to socialise" and, the most often said and the most hurtful, from working mothers: "I go out to work so that my children can see I am independent and have a life away from them. Don't you think your children will grow up a bit sexist seeing as you're dependent on your husband's income?" I would never ever say anything like that to a working mother. Ever.

I think you get arseholes who go out to work, and you get arseholes that stay at home. Any comments against the way you do it stems from their own insecurity.

I think it's probably true that parents (especially mothers) get criticism whatever they do. If you're happy with your choices, and you know your child is fine, just shrug it off. It's none of their business.

Often I think these comments come from people (usually other women, sadly) who are insecure about their own choices and achievements in life.

You either need to smile brightly and say, 'we're really happy with the arrangements' or make a joke out of it - eg ' yeap, she's in nursery but don't worry, we'll pick her up when she's 18!'

It's worth remembering that you don't know the individual circumstances of these people who make comments. They may not be working for all sorts of reasons- maybe they never liked their job much, maybe they were in a very menial job which wouldn't even cover childcare. Or maybe they do work but can't afford childcare so have no choice but to use granny for free. That doesn't mean granny's brilliant- it means there is no choice there. At least the fact that you use nursery indicates you have decent incomes and choice over these matters.

Try to remember too that many people get very threatened by people doing things differently. It's only a minority who will be rude enough to say it, but you'll probably pick up a vibe from others sometimes . I knew one woman who I'm sure wanted to believe her kids would turn out happier and more confident and more advanced than mine because she was home and I worked 3 days a week. Several years on, with our kids in the same year at school, I'm reckon she's a tad disappointed that our kids are all absolutely fine!

I'm also a bit when a few people come on here to say how terrible nurseries are and they KNOW because they used to work in one. Okaaaay, so you used to work in a poor nursery environment where you didn't interact with the kids... That says more about you and your work abilities than about the choices anyone else makes.

We used both nursery and cm- both really excellent, my kids have many fond memories- along with the fond memories of time at home with me and DH.

My DD was in FT childcare (CM) from 10 months to 3yo and thrived. She then started pre-school half days and I looked after her the rest of the time and she thrived. Now she starts FT school next week and I am sure she will thrive. Children are remarkably adaptable and flexible. I have no problems with any type or duration of childcare.

Iawn well put. Arseholes everywhere!

Kilmuir 'poor child'? Did you mean that comment to sound so rude? Would you say that to her face?

" IMHO these comments shouldn't bother you unless you're a) feeling guilty or b) have no choice"

People making personal attacks against you is bothersome. Especially if they do it passive agressive style as per the comments in the OP.

It is a reminder that you have morons in your life, and sometimes you are stuck with them (colleagues).

I used to get this a lot from people. Ignore them. If you're child is happy and thriving, that's all that matters. My dd is the most confident and chattiest 4 year old ever due to nursery. She loved it. I feel sorry for DS because he won't experience nursery like she did.

YANBU to find this throughly annoying.

But I do find it bizarre when people's friends/acquaintances feel moved to comment on their choice of childcare.

No-one I have ever met in real life has batted an eyelid at the fact that DS1 went to nursery FT at 6 months and DS2 will be going PT next week, at 8 months. Everyone just seems to accept it as an entirely normal progression - I only know one mum who hasn't returned to work after maternity leave, or who isn't doing some sort of work and using some sort of childcare, and I know people in all sorts of professions.

I am really happy with our decisions - DS1 has got a lot out of his time at nursery and I am confident that DS2 will also benefit. I'm not saying that every child needs to go to nursery, or even that every child will benefit, but for the DSs and their particular personalities (pretty full on, energetic and wanting to be doing stuff and engaging with people all the time) it is definitely the right choice.

I'm sure someone will say "poor your children" fairly soon, but they will be wasting their time, I'm afraid. When you know perfectly well you have, by luck or good management, got it right (for once!) criticism by people who don't know you or your children is, to quote a non-English speaking family friend who occasionally got his colloquialisms a bit wrong, "water up a duck's arse".

Ignore, OP. No-one is in a position to form an educated opinion about what is best for your family and your children, unless they live in that family unit on a daily basis. And if they did, you wouldn't need childcare!

And as I type, DS1 is hanging over the sofa yammering about going to "big school" today. It is the open day for his new pre-school and I pretty much had to drag him out of there when we last visited!

Namechange- I totally understand that feeling. Dd thrived so much and so enjoyed her days at nursery that I would have felt I was giving ds a less good experience if he hadn't had it. Even though with 2 of them, the nursery cost the same as my income, it was well worth carrying on working just to pay those fees!

Childcare workers aren't really the same as me, I get it. Then again, I AM awesome.

Living in an unheated hovel on rations isn't the same as living in a warm house for my kids, either. I know which I'd prefer.

No I'm not saying nursery workers are cold and detached, I'm saying they are different.
DD2 loved her key worker and called her nursery KWs name nursery to distinguish from pre school. One of the other women from there used to baby sit for me.

However, I used to go to soft play with some twins and their Nanny and yes she was rather detached.

I see CMs about town and they just don't chatter away to their mindees the way I do to my DDs. Well one does, but she's absolutely mad in just the right way.

Holyolympic said that it was okay for posters to criticise other people's child care / child rearing choices as 'they only do it because they care about children'.

To be honest I don't think this is why they make critical comments. I think they do it because they think there is ONE way to raise kids and that is THEIR way. In reality there are many, many good ways to raise kids. I suspect the motivation of the judges pants brigade is the psychological hit they get from feeling that they have found the Way, the Truth and the Light of child rearing.

I don't think the comments you've had in real life sound particularly mean or nasty - if a friend of mine found they had to put their child in nursery for 50 hours a week I would also try to find other solutions.

Long hours in nursery (longer than any of the staff would be expected to do) is not ideal. Some people genuinely do have no choice about it, but most don't - they like the house/lifestyle etc they have. That's a choice, and people will comment on it.

I meant you need to ignore it! That's why it shouldn't bother you. Let it wash over you. I have it too, particularly from colleagues (older ones) and most notably a newly married younger one, who is looking forward to starting a family and leaving work because she doesn't know how us working mums can do it.

*CM, nannies and nursery workers, however good, do not interact with DCs like a parent or grandparent who truly loves the child does.

They are more detached and don't chatter away in the same way as I would to my DDs. They're not as tactile, it's just a different relationship.*

I disagree with saying this as a generalisation about all childcare workers. My DS is at his childminder's 4 days a week. She is fab! He gets all the endless chat/ cuddles/ walks that he gets with me. He also loves playing with the "big children" (including his sister) when they come home from school.

Personally I prefer childminders to nurseries, but maybe that's just because I got lucky with an amazing one. She's a family friend now, and I often see her on days she's not minding my children.

As for the OP, as you are happy with your nursery, then hold your head up and like others have said, just say "it works for us". A good friend of mine put her child in ft nursery from a few months old because she needed to go back to work. She is 12 now, and very independent, sociable and happy!

Very few people have a choice between full time nursery OR unheated hovel on rations.

Rubirosa Hopefully after reading this thread you'll stop helpfully trying to "think of other solutions". What makes you think they haven't considered all solutions themselves?!

the only thing I will say is this, and its not a criticism as it involved me working those hours myself

I worked like this and one of mine went to nursery those hours, from 6 weeks (maternity leave being different in the dark ages).

DC was absolutely fine, I dont think for one second it had a detrimental impact on him at all, - but now he is older and all grown up, I wish so much I had worked less and spent more time with him, I bitterly regret spending so much time in work and away from him, not doing school runs (before and after school care), to the point, where many years down the road, I am on my second family and have slashed my hours in order to spend a lot more time at home.

This is causing us some financial difficulties, and we are building up debt, but they are tiny for such a short time and this time I dont want to miss it.

I reiterate again, thats about me and what I feel I missed the first time around and not DC who was perfectly fine.