Aibu re childcare comments

[sleepdodger]

Im RL and on here alot recently I've been met with gasps when people digest I work ft and then realize DS 17mo is in ft nursery for about 50hrs a week
Do people not realize what full time hours mean?
Why do people assume its ok to question 'couldn't you do pt' etc - presumably no they can't afford it or choose not to...
Often then followed by 'is he (DS) ok there' in hushed tone
Then followed by 'no family able to help?'
It's not been mentioned much until now, he's been in nursery since 10mo but it's starting to get to me a bit :-(

Yes, in the frankly unbelievable scenario that there is only a choice between baby in full time nursery or homelessness, then nursery is better

Given that that is unlikely to be an actual choice for many people, considering whether particular forms of childcare are more or less suitable for babies and children is worthwhile.

Absolutely rubirosa - but has anyone actually disagreed with that final point?
The issue here seems to be that some posters assume that other parents dont do that. If I knew of parents who paid to put their baby in full time nursery, my first assumption would be ''well they must have very good reasons for that. I don't know those reasons but it doesn't mean they don't exist'
Whereas the default position for some posters is to assume that no other parent is capable of judging what's best for THEIR child!
It's very odd

Ds has a close relationship with a couple of women in his room and I know this because they know absolutely everything about us via ds.

I hate that effectively someone else has some much influence on my son. But what alternative is there? I NEED to work and ds loves his nursery.

But why hate the influence other people have (unless it's a poor influence obviously!)

We don't own our children. Right from when they are born they are starting to build attachments to other people in the wider world. Obviously as a parent one wants those relationships to be positive- hence the huge amount of thought that goes into decisions like nursery, schools, godparents etc But I don't think you should hate the fact that other people are part of the growing up process. It's all part of growing into an emotionally in-tune adult.

Ps- Also Darwin, as parents you are the primary carers and main influence anyway

Just little things, he's picked up the local accent and some of their idiosyncrasies and I really dislike it.

I think there's a huge part of me who feels like Im failing him by not having him strapped to me at all times but then again that's most definitely pressure from other people.

I raised him pretty much alone until he was nearly two and now he's out there without me.

BUT he has learned so much and I'm so proud of him, he's the best at almost everything and I'm certain it's because he has been in childcare and had to develop faster.

He is also extremely well behaved and outgoing and I can't take all the credit for that either.

I'm more scared this time around with the new baby when he/she is born because I won't have the luxury of spending two years with it, I'll have to have childcare for him/her much earlier.

Ah that's the classic Mother syndrome though isn't it, of feeling that we should be the be-all and end-all, and jealously guarding our children less they dare form an attachment to anyone else!

Sounds like your little boy is lovely Darwin. And he would probably pick up the local accent at school anyway!

rubriosa - I know lots of nursery staff who send their own children to nursery.In fact I dont know many that dont send their child to nursery.

Sirzy- Nursery staff ate more likely to use nurseries ime as they dont have to pay or heavily subsidised through tax credits. I earn 6.18 but my childcare isnt any money out my own money.

sleepdodger, its a long thread and i haven't read it. but regarding your original post...
i'm sorry people are making you feel uncomfortable. if you chose to have your child in full time childcare, or if it was forced upon you by your circumstances, it isn't anyone's place to make you feel bad about it.
my dd is very lucky that her dh is willing to support her while she is at home full time with her dd. if he hadn't been willing or able, or if she hadn't been willing to put down her job for a few years, dgd would be in nursery. that's how it goes when people work.

is this another one of those tedious threads where posters insist that a small baby is just as well off, nay happier, in a nursery full-time as they would be at home with their Mother?
Yes, okie dokie then.

Yes, that's an astonishingly accurate précis autumn lights. Okie dokie.

oh you're not on another yet one of these threads again, banging that tired old drum again are you janey, yawn.

I've not met any that have put their children in nursery full time BeeBee, either in my current nursery or ones I have previously worked in.

I've been thinking about this, and to go back to the debate I was having with some people last night: of course people are entitled to their opinions, on all subjects including childcare, and of course they are entitled to express this opinion. Where it changes from discussion to downright rudeness, and becomes acceptable IMO, is when you start to tell people that you think they are wrong for having a different opinion to you.

I know people who use a nursery that I didn't like and removed my child from. But they like the nursery. Do I judge? No, I just assume that she has different expectations from a nursery, or that her child has different needs to mine and is having them met in that nursery. Some people prefer childminders. Some people stay home. I don't. But I don't judge just because they make a different choice.

In fact, my default assumption is that every parent is doing the best they can for their children with the resources they have available.

To assume anything else is really just insulting, and to tell people you think that their best is damaging to their children is even more so.

No- there was some interesting discussion going on here, so please don't feel obliged to stay autumn.
(bet you can't keep away though, you clearly can't resist a chance to have a pop a the op and try to make her feel bad )

and becomes UNacceptable IMO

don't talk to me about making people feel bad. Arn't you the same poster who said you imagined insert posters name to be overweight and have one GCSE in Home Economics on yet another one of these threads? Please don't talk to me about making other posters feel bad.

Oooh autumn you're obviously obsessed , following me around!

Annie- totally agree With your post. We all make our childcare decisions for whats best for our own families... And the right nursery for one child won't necessarily suit another. The key is to accept that other parents are capable of thinking things through and forming their own judgements rather than the default position of assuming every other parent doesn't do it

One of my anti natal group did this and yes I did think what's the point in having children you never see?

(i) Having a child in f/t nursery is hardly "never seeing" them.

(ii) Do you think all parents should work part time or not at all then?

DS (10mo) is in nursery for 3 days a week 7.30-4, with his gran one day and aunt another day. I would dearly love to go pt but can't - work won't agree to it, and as I'm the main wage earner, we'd seriously struggle if I left my job. Changing jobs would be an option if my occupation wasn't so specialist, and these jobs are very few an far between an almost always permanent. I could change career entirely but that would require some degree of retraining/new qualifications and I simply don't have the time- would be spending even less time with DS.

It's not always a choice to work ft, but even if it is, people Gould mind their own and not seek to make others feel bad because of the way they live their lives. Fwiw we spent ages choosing the nursery, the staff are fab and are constantly interacting with DS. He gets plenty of cuddles and the interaction with other kids has brought him along heaps. He's a happy, sociable little boy and actually looks happy when we arrive at nursery, and when I collect him. I feel that bit better about leaving him, even though i wish I could only go pt, as I know he's happy

I have never had one single comment about using full time childcare for either of my dc.

I must mix with mannerly people.

Actually, I think on this subject people post much harsher opinions than they actually hold because they are partly defending their own choices.

I know a few sahm's and we get on very well and can chat about bringing up children and nod in agreement with each other. On here though, it would appear that we should have opposing opinions.

Anonymity really does polarise.

To answer the OP - LOADS of people work full-time without having their children in nursery for 50 hours week - that's why some people will be surprised.

I have friends who have their child in work-based nursery so same hours as they work (about 37-40hrs).
Most families i know do some kind of early/late thing between the two parents so one drops and one collects shortening their LOs day at nursery.
Lots of people live near their work and so are out of the house less than 45hrs a week themselves.

Some families have GPs who like to help a few hours each week.
Some people work from home for some hours and therefore eliminate the commute those days.

There's obviously nothing wrong with 50hrs a week nursery care if that works for your family but it sounds like a lot of hours to most adults so that's why you'll get a bit of a surprise face reaction.

Why does no one think this about the dads who inevitably go back to work full time in a matter of days or weeks after the child is born?

No one says to them 'oh shame you will never see them' whether the wife is a SAHM or a FT WOHM