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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really let down by dd.

327 replies

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 12:18

I am coming to the end of my studies and will graduate with a PhD this summer. The graduation dates have just been released and dd has told me she can't make it. She can't make it because her dad is taking her to a music festival that weekend. The ceremony is on the Monday and the festival ends on the sunday night. My partner offered to go and collect her on the sunday night (a 200 mile round trip, her dad doesn't drive) but she refused saying that there are good parties through the night on the sunday or something which she doesn't want to miss. I won't admit it to her, but I am really hurt.

OP posts:

OTheHugeManatee · 14/02/2012 12:23

Don't know what to suggest but I can completely see why you would feel hurt.

ThunderboltKid · 14/02/2012 12:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 14/02/2012 12:24

I would be hurt too, but I'm guessing she is a teenager and parties are high priority at that age. I wouldn't take it personally, I'm sure she is very proud of your achievement and it just hasn't occurred to her how much her presence at your graduation would mean to you.

Is there any way she could be collected on the Monday morning? She might look and feel a bit rough though!

Congratulations on getting your PhD!

ChickensGoMeh · 14/02/2012 12:25

I don't think YABU. Not sure what you can do, though, to make her understand the importance? Would your Ex be helpful here?

TheMonster · 14/02/2012 12:25

I'd rather be at a festival too. The graduation means more to you than her. Enjoy it.

DurhamDurham · 14/02/2012 12:25

I would be disappointed but wouldn't feel 'let down' by my dd. She already had the music festival weekend planned, it would have been different if she was going to your ceremony then dropped out to go to the festival.

Don't make her feel guilty, in the grand scheme of things it's not worth the fall out. Enjoy your big day and then you can tell your dd all about it

troisgarcons · 14/02/2012 12:27

I'm pondering going to a music festival with my Dad .... nah! would never have happened!!!

CakeMixture · 14/02/2012 12:28

I get why you are upset but I think yabu tbh.
I would much rather be at a party/festival than a graduation ceremony.
I didnt go to my own..............

I would plan a nice meal/restaurant trip on another suitable date.

SarahSlaughter · 14/02/2012 12:28

YANBU there will always be other festivals, you will only get your PHd once.

I'm sure she wil regret it when she is

SarahSlaughter · 14/02/2012 12:29

Sorry posted too soon.

I'm sure she will regret it when she is older and less self absorbed.

Meanwhile many congratulations and have a lovely day.

featherbag · 14/02/2012 12:30

YABU - she's got something (pretty expensive!) booked and arranged with her dad, grad ceremonies are boring unless it's your own or your child's. Why not go for a nice meal together that night, or the following weekend?

Scholes34 · 14/02/2012 12:30

If it's really important to you that your DD is at the ceremony you can always opt to graduate at a later date. The university will have a number of graduation ceremonies throughout the year.

pictish · 14/02/2012 12:31

Totally understand your hurt feelings, but yeah the Sunday night through to the Monday morning at festies is often the best night.

I'm 36, and would still rather be at a festie than a graduation ceremony. Sorry.

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 12:31

Ex is no use. He asks dd is 'your mum is still wasting her time at that Uni?'. We don't talk. I'm aware grads are dull for kids. I didn't take her to my BA or MA grads as she was too young and I knew she'd be bored but I thought she had matured a bit and might want to be there. I'm probably being unreasonable yes, but it's sort of taken the shine off things for me. I mean, to me, this is a bigger day than a wedding and I'm sure lots of people would be bereft if their only child missed that for a festival!

OP posts:

jesuswhatnext · 14/02/2012 12:31

i do understand your hurt but try and remember that she is just being thoughtless, not deliberatly cruel!, she is a teenager i assume? why not go with your dp, book a wonderful restaurant/maybe hotel for the evening , one which would perhaps have been out of price range for the 3 of you and really treat yourself, you have earned it! congrats btw!

upahill · 14/02/2012 12:32

YABU I didn't even go to my own graduation - much to the disgust of my nann who wanted a picture of me in a cap and gown to go on the wall!! if I had a music festival I would have gone to that in a flash!

So I don't blame your daughter.
I would plan a celebration meal tbh.

ceebie · 14/02/2012 12:32

Oh my sympathies. She doesn't mean to hurt you, you know that. I went to my Mum's graduation ceremony (didn't have alternative plans like a music festival) but I secretly thought it was a real chore and very dull - it was really important to her for me and my sisters to be there although we really couldn't appreciate why at the time. I think brains must work in a different way at that age! Now that I'm in my 30's I think (hope) I understand these things a bit better - although who knows? I might discover in years to come that I am in fact letting down my mother in other ways. I certainly hope not though!

pictish · 14/02/2012 12:32

YY to celebration meal...or even a wee party!

DavidaCottonmouth · 14/02/2012 12:33

I don't think many PhDs go to their graduations, tbh. That might be the real reason why she isn't really bothered.

It's a shame for you though. I was gutted when my PFB didn't want to go to his A-level certificates presentation; I can't imagine what it is like when they become a doctor.

DavidaCottonmouth · 14/02/2012 12:34

Oops, sorry - thought that you were talking about her graduation. My bad.

upahill · 14/02/2012 12:35

I'm sure she will regret it when she is older and less self absorbed

I don't think so. Why would she? It's for you and your DP to enjoy.

I really get why she doesn't want to go.

Congratulations. It's a massive personal achievement that you have done.

fbnomore · 14/02/2012 12:35

does she know how hard you have worked to acheive this degree? does she know what a phd means? My feeling is that she has no idea. The ceremony might be boring, as someone has already suggested, but thats not the point. Its a celebration of your hard work, and of you as a scholar. what your dd needs to understand is that this ceremony is about her mother and celebrating her mothers acheivements.

I think you need to let her realise this. Dont push it, because that will go badly for you and your future relationship. But her father and step father maybe need to make her realise how selfish she is being. A~unts uncles, grandparents, best friends etc. someone needs to make her realise this stuff.

Kayano · 14/02/2012 12:36

I would be hurt too

ceebie · 14/02/2012 12:36

A bigger day than a wedding? Um, you've really lost me there... (I have a PhD and a husband and I know which ceremony I'd prefer to attend! One is a ceremony followed by a party, the other is just a ceremony).

Dustinthewind · 14/02/2012 12:38

How old is she?
How did she feel about all the time you took whilst studying? Did she feel that you were being selfish and not being 'a proper mum' or was she pleased and proud of what you were doing?
Is she thinking what you did was for you, so she's not interested in going to the ceremony? How are you at showing support for her? Does she take you for granted?
FWIW, I think completing your PhD is a magnificent accomplishment, and I'd celebrate with friends and something lovely for me.

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