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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really let down by dd.

327 replies

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 12:18

I am coming to the end of my studies and will graduate with a PhD this summer. The graduation dates have just been released and dd has told me she can't make it. She can't make it because her dad is taking her to a music festival that weekend. The ceremony is on the Monday and the festival ends on the sunday night. My partner offered to go and collect her on the sunday night (a 200 mile round trip, her dad doesn't drive) but she refused saying that there are good parties through the night on the sunday or something which she doesn't want to miss. I won't admit it to her, but I am really hurt.

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 14/02/2012 13:18

Yeah ... you spend years bringing up children; you attend every sports day, every parents evening, stand on sodding cold touchlines for years freezing your bits off; often you put your career on hold, knowing you'll never really get it back, you stop with the expensive holidays and clothes because you are investing in their future with time and love .... and then the buggers just really are so self sodding absorped to want to go and get wasted elsewhere when you would like them to do one tiny thing that means a lot to you. But not because you want them to do it but because they would want to do it for you.

Miggsie · 14/02/2012 13:18

YANBU, a Phd is a high achievement and families should celbrate each other's achievements, this is a once in a lifetime thing for you and there are millions of festivals all the time and they are all pretty much the same and so are the parteis, she can do them for years.

I think someone should point out to her how hurtful it is for you that she won't sacrifice any of her party time to watch you graduate. It is not much of a sacrifice and if she isn't there your enjoyment will be diminished.

arghmyear · 14/02/2012 13:21

What time is the ceremony on the Monday? Is it possible for her to spend Sunday night partying and then be picked up early (7am or whatever) on the Monday morning so that she can attend both the festival parties and your graduation?

It sounds do-able in some way or another to me. Smacks of a "can't do" attitude if this can't be made to work.

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 13:22

I think troisgarcons you're spot on. Part of me is upset that she isn't making concessions to be there, even ones which have been offered up to help it happen. I don't know, I'm confused. I'm not a selfish person and I'm hurt that it's been alluded to that my education might have created some sort of resentment between us. As I've pointed out, I doubt I would have went back to Uni as an adult in order to better myself had she not been in my life. Bring back the terrible twos, they were easier

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2012 13:26

Well I'm sorry if you feel hurt by it but I can only go on what you're posting here...and it did come across as smug.

Your education is obviously important to you...and your DD's education will be important to you too.

But just maybe, she's finds it all rather dull and would rather celebrate with you when you're home again?

Who knows? Maybe you should have a heart to heart with her?

QuickLookBusy · 14/02/2012 13:30

I can understand why you would upset. My DD has come back early from a festival because of a family commitment. I would have another word nad explain how much it means to you.

However I would leave out the comment about it being more important then a wedding and how anyone can get married but not everone can be a Dr. Whilst that is true it does make you sound a bit twattish, which I'm sure you aren't. I don't know how long it takes to become a Dr, but I suspect not as long as the lifetime you are promising to share with someone when you get married.

OneHandFlapping · 14/02/2012 13:32

YABU. It's for parents to be proud of their childrens' achievements, not the other way round.

I feel really sad for children whose parents say, "I'm doing this to make my son/daughter proud of me" (usually when doing something utterly selfish). How insecure is that? Your job as a parent is to provide pride and various degrees of embarrassment to your offspring.

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 13:36

I've never done this to make my daughter proud of me. And your view is positively draconian. My mum passed her driving test when she was 54 after beating cancer and I can honestly say it was one of the proudest moments of my life, of course you can revel in the achievements of your parents. How narrow minded.

OP posts:

QuickLookBusy · 14/02/2012 13:37

Oh dear MissSayuri, you just sound rude now.

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 13:38

And you sound patronising.

OP posts:

GravityDefier · 14/02/2012 13:41

I agree MissSayuri, of course you can be proud of your parents achievements. I am 23 so not too long out of my teenage years and I certainly am proud of my mum when she achieves something she works hard for! And I always have been too. It is not too much to ask for for your family to be happy with you.

PoohBearsHole · 14/02/2012 13:42

I don't think she sounds rude at all, I am proud of my dh or my parents when they achieve something as I am for my sisters/brother/neices/nephews. Its not about making your child proud though its about something important on one day and being there.

There must be some very entitled children around if only parents are allowed to feel pride in their achievement and it doesn't go vice versa.

QuickLookBusy · 14/02/2012 13:42

Ok maybe I am, will leave you to it.

Hope you manage to communicate with DD about this problem a lot better than you communicate with posters on this thread.

HazleNutt · 14/02/2012 13:43

YANBU to be disappointed, but YABU to be sad if you didn't tell her that it actually matters to you. If my mum tells me that something is no big deal and doesn't matter really if I show up, I don't immediately assume she is passive-agressive, but I actually assume it's no big deal and no need to change my plans.
If she tells me it would be a big deal then I would show up.

wheredidyoulastseeit · 14/02/2012 13:43

YANBU agree with asking if her 18th and special events are optional for you to attend.

you need to spell it out to her what it means to you.

2rebecca · 14/02/2012 13:43

My graduation day wasn't that important to me, it was more a formal event to attend to keep my parents happy. I was far happier on the day I found out I had passed. The day itself was a few weeks after that so by then the excitement had worn off and I was thinking about work.
I can understand why you'd be a bit disappointed she isn't going, but understand her for not seeing it as a big deal. They are very boring, just lots of sitting down whilst a list of names is read out. Feeling "really let down" sounds like an over-reaction. I'm sure she's proud you passed, that's the important thing.

TheCraicDealer · 14/02/2012 13:45

I went to school with a girl whose mother was a teacher there, and who spent ages studying for a phd part-time. When she graduated I remember saying to the girl in question, "great about your mum, blah blah", and her reply was, "yeah, brilliant, maybe she'll finally get back to being a mother". She was a lovely girl, but she was angry that her mum had prioritised her studies for so long over her. I'm not saying your daughter has the same attitude, but it is possible she has a bit of mum-studying-fatigue.

Also, your DD could be conflicted because of the attitude your ex has taken. He'll no doubt see her leaving even the slightest bit early as impinging on his plans, and his time with her. And because you're the reasonable one, you're also the path of least resistance!

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 13:45

If by posters on this thread you mean you I am happy to communicate as long as I am not addressed as dear. Only my granny is allowed to do that. The granny I am really really proud of, is that allowed?

OP posts:

diddl · 14/02/2012 13:45

I think it´s really sad that she doesn´t want to compromise tbh.

PopcornMouse · 14/02/2012 13:46

I'd rather be at the festival too - but I know I'd move heaven and earth make the effort if it meant so much to my mum.

YADNBU :(

2rebecca · 14/02/2012 13:50

I don't understand why posters think she will regret not going to her mother's phd graduation ceremony. I have friends who didn't even go to their own as they had other committments on that day. She will only regret it if her mum harps on about it and how much she'd have loved her to be there etc.
Getting a phd is an achievement, attending the ceremony isn't.

Flatbread · 14/02/2012 13:50

one hand of course children can and should be proud of their parents achievements.

I don't understand this notion that because teenagers are predisposed to being selfish, it is ok that they do just what suits them. I do think that teenagers need to be told clearly what is expected of them, and OP, you should let her know in no uncertain terms that it is a big deal for you to have her there.

As an aside, how often do we hear on threads that dh went on a skiing trip or whatever leaving wife and baby, and we all think he is a dick. Well, if people are not taught how to be considerate, they go through life thinking it is all about their own gratification.

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 13:53

Just to be clear, I never told her it didn't matter if she didn't come. Anyone with a teenager will understand that you choose your battles and I was aware from the start that a grad ceremony was going to have a hard task at winning out over a festival. This is why we came up with the compromise of picking her up. Negotations are critical with teens as I have learned. I don't want it turning into a full blown row and of course I get that she wants to be at the festival. There is also the element of her father. I suspect I wouldn't feel so sensitive about broaching the issue and expressing how I really feel if he wasn't a factor here. I'm always aware that I don't cross the line there as it can always be turned into something it's not.

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 14/02/2012 13:56

MissSayuri
I think you've communicated just fine - and I can understand your hurt. Pride in those we love should be a two way thing - it's just that it's sometimes a little late in developing.

mrsjay · 14/02/2012 13:56

I think thats a shame she doesnt want to come and support you and cheer you , what age is she a teenager im guessing who are completley selfish anyway they sometimes dont see the bigger picture , nothing to suggest you cant make her go , Be proud of your achievements take your partner and have a lovely time , Yanbu though ,

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