Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really let down by dd.

327 replies

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 12:18

I am coming to the end of my studies and will graduate with a PhD this summer. The graduation dates have just been released and dd has told me she can't make it. She can't make it because her dad is taking her to a music festival that weekend. The ceremony is on the Monday and the festival ends on the sunday night. My partner offered to go and collect her on the sunday night (a 200 mile round trip, her dad doesn't drive) but she refused saying that there are good parties through the night on the sunday or something which she doesn't want to miss. I won't admit it to her, but I am really hurt. Sad

OP posts:
Lueji · 14/02/2012 15:44

I did invite my parents to go to my diploma day, though.
They were really proud and enjoyed it, with the photos to show all their friends. :o

cerys74 · 14/02/2012 15:49

I'd be so upset if a member of my family said they'd rather be doing something more fun than attending an event which was obviously important to me (I know she didn't actually say that, but that seems like the gist).

Hopefully she'll realise later in life that she was being a bit self-absorbed.

Oh and someone mentioned the possibility of changing graduation dates; during my PhD I made loads of good friends and we all graduated together, which really made the day fantastic. Graduating at a later date with none of your peer group would be as sad for me as graduating without my family present (fortunately I didn't have to choose between them).

You are SO not being unreasonable OP [hugs]

Lueji · 14/02/2012 15:53

Just out of curiosity, how many people are you allowed to invite to your diploma day?

I was only allowed two anyway, so it made sense to invite parents.

cerys74 · 14/02/2012 15:53

Btw, I was more proud on the day of my PhD graduation than I was on the day of my marriage - it had taken 7 years hard work to get the PhD and much less than that to plan the wedding!!

Not that this has ANYTHING to do with the original post... Confused

Flatbread · 14/02/2012 16:03

If OP thinks it is more important than a wedding day, then clearly, this is a very big deal for her.

I wonder how many of you would be ok if there was a thread where a parent didn't attend their dc wedding because of a social or work commitment. 'Er dd, I would love to come but I got this big office bash in Mauritius. Let's have a celebration dinner when I am back, ok'. Wouldn't wash, would it?

I think if you allow teens to be selfish and expect very little, well, that is the kind of person you will get. fwiw, I was considerate to my parents at 17 and did miss my own social events to go to things they wanted. It is just part of not taking your parents for granted and pulling together as a family.

AnaisB · 14/02/2012 16:03

dancergirl in a similar situation I would think it most reasonable for me to sacrifice my wish to have my daughter at my graduation than my daughter sacrifice being at a music festival. (and Sunday night is good fun.)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2012 16:06

I did as well, Flatbread but what's the point in OP forcing her daughter to go when daughter doesn't want to? OP wants daughter to want to go. That isn't going to happen, is it, albeit that the daughter could be pressured to go.

We have no idea what OP's relationship is like with her daughter, do we?

TheSecondComing · 14/02/2012 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flatbread · 14/02/2012 16:13

True, lying witch But I think it is ok if OP makes it clear to dd that she is disappointed with her decision. It is good if dd gets guilt pangs while enjoying herself, as she ought to be aware that she has made a selfish choice.

I think at that age you need to spell things out very clearly and lay down the expectations. Then it is up to them to do the right thing or not. And if they choose the selfish path, then they should be aware that there are some consequences to that, such as mum feeling let down.

mrsjay · 14/02/2012 16:17

flatbread i agree with you teens are so self absorbed witht heir own happiness , that its ok to remind them that the world does not revolve around their happiness , especially at 17 shes almost a grownup fgs and treating parents like this imo isnt on ,

Flatbread · 14/02/2012 16:19

Why second? Are your parents not close family and don't they do things for you?

I don't see why you wouldn't do 'boring things' for people you love. Would you not sit through a 'boring' GP appointment if your sis needed you or a 'boring' visit to a nursing home for your mum?

dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2012 16:24

Dancergirl if it's so important to the OP, that's fine, she has every right to feel that way. I'm just saying it's not objectively important, i.e. not everyone will feel the same way. So expecting other people to take it just as seriously as she does is unreasonable.

Her DD has preexisting plans, which are massively fun, that she doesn't want to cancel. I agree with Anais I would sacrifice my own wants in this instance and let DD do what she wants. I couldn't enjoy someone's presence at my ceremony if I knew they didn't really want to be there.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2012 16:25

That's alright, TSC, as long as you don't expect your parents to do anything they consider 'dull' for you or your children, why should they? Horses for courses and all that.

mrsjay... The only person who will lose in the OP's scenario is the OP. Her daughter has the potential to completely spoil the day if she attends under sufferance. In OP's place, I'd rather daughter stayed away, notwithstanding that OP should tell her daughter how disappointed she is. There's nothing else to be done other than to escalate this to the point where nobody does anything for anybody else anymore... I doubt a parent could sustain that, even if their selfish offspring could.

dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2012 16:28

Flatbread, that is so messed up.

Either let her go and have fun guilt-free, or insist she stay and go to the ceremony. Don't send her off with a massive helping of guilt.

It's good if she gets guilt pangs while enjoying herself??? That is so emotionally manipulative.

seeker · 14/02/2012 16:29

"Secretly disappointed" yes. "Let down" no.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 14/02/2012 16:32

But DD is not choosing a festival over graduation. Festival was already booked up and OP has already said DD looked a bit sheepish/sad not to be attending graduation. OP has also said that DD is not typically a selfish person. It is not DD's fault that she already has something else booked up, and probably at great expense as well. Making DD feel guilty (even more than she probably already does) is going to put a strain on the relationship.

OP, I am sure your DD is incredibly proud of you and she doesn't have to be at your graduation to prove that.

Flatbread · 14/02/2012 16:34

No, it is not manipulative, Dreaming at that age you can't really can't force them to do things. You have to guide them by helping them understand that their actions impact others.

PoohBearsHole · 14/02/2012 16:34

I know its slightly off the point but I agree - why wouldn't you do something for you parents. My mum was ill on holiday and I asked her if she wanted me to go and be with her (she had suspected food poisoning at the time so nothing major), she said no you have the dc (v little) to look after and it will be very difficult. My SIL offered to drop everything to go and help them out there (her dc are older). My mum declined, but when her symptoms got no better on her return to the uk she asked me to go to the dr with her. I frankly can think of nothing more dull than sitting through someone elses medical history for flipping food poisoning but she asked me to come with her.

Turns out it wasn't food poisoning at all, she had had a stroke Sad and you know what, I really didn't want to be there when she was told that by the dr! But I love my mum and she wanted me there.

titchy · 14/02/2012 16:38

Is this the first case of 'Graduandzilla' we've had on MN? Grin

Seriosuly OP - very many congratulations on your PhD. It's a fantastic achievment. But the ceremony, oh dear God the tedium. I would frankly rather stick pins in my eyes than attend a graduation ceremony. I will do the dutiful thing and attend my dcs' Bachelors ceremonies, but no more.

You, your dd and dp should be very proud of you, and I'm sure they are, but turning up at a ceremony isn't going to make them any more or less proud than they are now.

Oh and IMO very few post-grads turn up to the ceremonies - the overseas ones are really the only ones that do.

Oh and this one's more important than a marriage ceremony Shock Methinks that says more about your views on marriage than your dd's views on grad ceremonies!

KittyFane · 14/02/2012 16:40

My dad completed a masters when I was at University and a PHD some years after.
I was not invited to go to (so obviously not expected to go to) either ceremony.
He believed what another poster said earlier- along the lines of:
It's for parents to be proud of their childrens' (academic) achievements, not the other way round.
This is her time to enjoy life, go to festivals etc.
Presumably she's already bought tickets, it's unfortunate but a graduation ceremony is not the same as a wedding.

Harsh but true - when I qualified, nobody was prouder than me.
YABU if you expect her to drop her plans in favour of this.

titchy · 14/02/2012 16:42

poohbear and flatbread - it's a graduation ceremony not a close relative who's had a stroke or is seriously ill. FGS the two aren't remotely comparable.

Owlbear · 14/02/2012 16:42

I don't know if the ceremony's more important, but I definitely consider getting my PhD a bigger achievement than getting married. I don't think there's anything particularly strange or shocking about that.

KittyFane · 14/02/2012 16:44

Just been thinking- I didn't go to my Mum's MA ceremony or my brother's BSc one either! :o

workshy · 14/02/2012 16:44

I can't get over how many people on this thread are saying 'well I'd much rather go to a festival so you are being unreasonable'!!!

well I'm sorry but if you love someone then you do do things that are dull but are important to them, because you are about them, and that should go for your parents too, not just your children (the amount of allotment shows I've been to is just not funny!)

the OP is not asking her to miss the festival, just one evening of it

I would have the conversation with her, tell her how much it means to you and let her decide once she realises how important to you and if she still chooses not to come back from the festival on the sunday evening then you need to accept that and make the best of it with your DP and fellow graduates

well done

titchy · 14/02/2012 16:44

GETTING the PhD yes maybe, but please nobody say their graduation ceremony was more important than their wedding ceremony Hmm