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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really let down by dd.

327 replies

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 12:18

I am coming to the end of my studies and will graduate with a PhD this summer. The graduation dates have just been released and dd has told me she can't make it. She can't make it because her dad is taking her to a music festival that weekend. The ceremony is on the Monday and the festival ends on the sunday night. My partner offered to go and collect her on the sunday night (a 200 mile round trip, her dad doesn't drive) but she refused saying that there are good parties through the night on the sunday or something which she doesn't want to miss. I won't admit it to her, but I am really hurt.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2012 12:38

How old is your DD?

ProcrastinateWildly · 14/02/2012 12:39

I think you are being unreasonable really. Having been to various music festivals, I can tell you that there is no way I would have been in a fit condition to go to a graduation ceremony the day after the festival, I would have been exhausted tbh, and hungover! I'm sure she's proud of you, but the actual ceremony is probably a bit boring for people who aren't directly involved tbh.

ajandjjmum · 14/02/2012 12:40

It's perhaps one of those situations when you hope she'd be sufficiently mature to think that although it's not top of her list, it means a lot to you, so she'll come to make you happy. We all do start considering others (eventually!) - maybe she still needs to grow up a little.

Spoil yourself - and have a lovely day.

CharminglyOdd · 14/02/2012 12:40

YANBU but I only say that because I've seen some friends go through it and how much it takes out of you. I think it's one of those cases where the old chestnut 'You don't understand what it's like to do a PhD until you're in the middle of it' applies. If she's also not at the uni stage yet then she really will have no idea how much independent hard work is needed (compared to say, A levels) and so how much of an achievement this is - congrats btw!

OTOH I was thinking only this morning about all the hurtful things I said to my DM as a teenager and, at the time, didn't realise how horrid I was being. I think this is one of those situations, sadly. Have you tried explaining how much it means to you for her to be there? She can't understand if you don't tell her.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 14/02/2012 12:41

Did you tell her how much it would mean to you to have her there? She probably doesn't appreciate this. I think given she could go to the festival and come to the graduation I think you should strongly encourage her to do both.

fbnomore · 14/02/2012 12:42

My mothers phd graduation was a bigger day than a wedding. It was a celebration of the hard work they had put in together over the previous four years.
I think by not taking her to the previous ceremonies you have shot yourself in the foot. She has no idea of what it represents and why its important to you.
I went to my own graduation only because my father wanted to go. It was a celebration of his and my parents hard work over the previous 21 years. My grandmothers house still has my graduation picture, in hat and gown and holding degree roll in my hands on the wall, in pride of place, two decades later. It was one of the most boring events ever, but, it was important to people who are important to me. Your dd needs to realise this.

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 12:42

Should point out that there has been no stand off or harsh words. When she mentioned it was the wknd of the festival when I told her the dates she did bite her lip and seem a bit sheepish but I just said never mind and quietly felt a bit sad. DP came up with the offer of picking her up so she wouldn't miss her weekend and I thought that was reasonable but alas that's not going to work either. Please don't imagine I'm some bullish mum who wants everything her own way. I'm only 37, dd is almost 17 and we have a very good relationship. I have been to loads of festivals over the years so fully understand her not wanting to miss it. For years it was just her and I as I ploughed through years of Uni and I'd be lying if I said I was fine with her absence. In a way I don't know if I'd have done it had I not been a young single mum for years. To me she feels part of it all. Oh, I'm blabbering now...thanks for the advice everyone.

OP posts:

pictish · 14/02/2012 12:42

I agree - a person can be proud to pieces of their loved one graduating with a phd, without watching the scroll being handed over, after applauding the first 150 graduates first.
Graduation ceremonies are a drag OP. So sorry but they are. I went to my own mother's years ago.
I was very very proud of her, but the ceremony was long and BORING.

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2012 12:47

I do understand why you're upset but really she is only 16.

She probably doesn't understand what/how much it means to you.

Normally it's the young person graduating and the proud parents going along to see them.

I remember being about 14 or 15 when my Dad got promoted and there was a massive family dinner in a restaurant.

I just couldn't understand what the fuss was about

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 12:48

In response to the graduation/wedding comments, to me it's a bigger deal. Anyone can be a wife, not everyone can be a PhD, and while I'll always be a doctor, there's no guarantee you'll always be a wife

OP posts:

renaldo · 14/02/2012 12:53

yanbu she should be there and she will regret it in years to come

upahill · 14/02/2012 12:54

I get what you are saying but it's your deal!!!

If she hadn't already planned this festival she proably would have gone with you but do you really want her there when she will, more than likely, looking and feeling rough and wanting to be anywhere else but there.

Let her be young and enjoy the parties and you enjoy the graduation and swop stories later.

upahill · 14/02/2012 12:57

I don't get all these comments that she will regret it in years
It took me years of hard work to get through my stuff including two pregnancies and a business that was failing.
I kept slogging away until I got my degree and I was the first person in my family to do so.
Like I said I have never regretted not going to my graduation so I don't see why someone who hasn't gone through all that would.
She will be remembering the parties for years though.

troisgarcons · 14/02/2012 12:57

I think it's quite sad really. part of being an adult is doing things that make other people happy and if you can't make your mum happy, then that is a pretty selfish attitude. But that's teensagers for you.

Dancergirl · 14/02/2012 12:57

I'm surprised at the responses. I'd be hurt too. The op has worked incredibly hard for this and wants to celebrate with her family, it's a one off thing.

She's 16, not a baby, probably studying for her own exams, she should feel incredibly proud of her mum. Of course shed rather be at the festival but sometimes special family events take precedence. It's tough she has to miss the last night but she should support her mum. Plenty of other festivals to go to. If the feeling is that its ok for her to miss it, what sort of message is that giving about family loyalty/support?

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2012 13:01

Are you generally that smug about your education?

If so, that might be on reason why she'd rather not attend.

Have you in any way made her feel as though she's not as intelligent as you, even by accident?

ceebie · 14/02/2012 13:04

Yes but it's the hard work that made you a doctor, not the ceremony. Passing my viva was one of my proudest moments, but my own the ceremony I mostly went to to please my parents. Means different things to different people, I guess!

EightiesChick · 14/02/2012 13:06

So do we not think our teenagers should ever have to put up with being bored, then, even if it's in the form of a one-off event that would make one of their parents very happy? The 'it's boring' argument doesn't wash with me. Teenagers may well say school's boring, medical appointments are boring, etc - we would still argue that they ought to go. A 16 year old ought to be capable of the maturity to sit through it, especially since she has been (very generously) offered an option where she still gets to go to the festival.

troisgarcons totally agree.

Some misconceptions about PhDs and graduations on the previous page, too: 1) that there will be other graduation ceremonies during the year. Not necessarily so - quite a few universities are cutting down to just one. 2) that PhD graduates don't usually go to the ceremony - again, not true in my experience.

OP, I completely understand. It is a real shame she doesn't feel motivated to do this for you. I would maybe try one more time to tell her what it means to you, and then give it up and have the best day you can with your partner and other family/friends. Organise going out for a meal with them afterwards.
I suspect your ex is enjoying being the 'cool' parent here but he's being an idiot. Be proud of your achievement in getting the PhD.

upahill · 14/02/2012 13:07

Something significant happened to us, well to Dh actually, last summer that could have called for DS1 being there. He was already going to a festival in Scotland and it was his first ever.

Dh andI insisted that he went to that although you could see him feeling that he should be with us although he really wanted to be north of the border. It is part of his youth. There are plenty of other times that he has done the 'duty visits' and supported the family, been on (extended) family meals when other stuff that he wanted to do was happening.

But this a graduation, sitting and clapping hundreds of people that you don't know, will never see again just to clap your mum for a few seconds - nah, I wouldn't put my DS through that (or indeed myself) I didn't feel the need to have applause or someone to hand me my certificate for what I had achieved to be validated. The certificate and what it represented was enough.

upahill · 14/02/2012 13:09

Oh and I think your ex is being a dick with the stupid comments about wasting time with your uni work.
They are the words of a prat tbh.

verytellytubby · 14/02/2012 13:10

I can see both sides.

Congratulations though. Plan a celebration with her later in the week.

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/02/2012 13:12

I was just about to say the same as WorraLiberty, you sound very smug and perhaps shes simply fed up of hearing about your studies and that not everyone can do it. If you've been studying forever, which it probably seems like to a teen, then perhaps she sees it as no big deal as you've always done it.

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 13:13

n.b I am most definitely not smug about my education, I just personally find it more worthy than putting a gold band on your hand, an no I have never undermined my daughter's intelligence, if anything my daughter is potentially likelier than me to succeed academically, she is currently sitting 5 Highers and has a conditional to go and do radiography at Glasgow Uni, something I was not capable of at her age.
Graduating at a later date is not an option, there is only one PhD grad ceremony at my Uni.

OP posts:

PoohBearsHole · 14/02/2012 13:15

I have missed many fun things and sat through many dull things for my parents. I wouldn't miss doing them for something else. My parents would have been hurt too if I had said the same things. 17 is a tricky age and fuck me you are the same age as me and she is the same age as my dn and you know what I think I would be incredibly hurt too. I don't think yabu, I think she will regret it, I also think that she is being selfish as she will have had the weekend there, she doesn't need to have the last night too.

Hopefully she will come round, and if she doesn't I would consider booking a holiday for you and dp to have over her 18th birthday .

I also think I might just tell her she has to be there. But I am truly mean

GravityDefier · 14/02/2012 13:17

I think you should tell her how upset you are and pick her up early. It's only one night she'd be missing out on. I definitely don't think YABU at all. It's a big deal and a family occasion. Festivals are every year, graduations are not. I can't believe people are saying it's ok she's self-obsessed because she is 16. I was definitely not and think 16 is old enough to understand the importance of such an event as well as family.

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